


Are You Lost?

by whythehellisbucky



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Eventual Romance, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kidnapping, Protective Bucky Barnes, Shy Bucky Barnes, Slow Burn, Swearing, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-05-16 03:43:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 80,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19309927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whythehellisbucky/pseuds/whythehellisbucky
Summary: “Are you lost?” A soft voice wakes him from his daydream. He looks up from his phone to see a young woman dressed neatly in business clothes, feet in running shoes, brown hair tied up in a bun. He looks her over, estimating her height and weight subconsciously. No weapons, no visible sign of brutality, and yet he feels sharply alert. As if he needs to pay attention, as if something dangerous or possibly significant is happening.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky Barnes meets the reader and basically they fall in love. The events of Civil War didn't happen and all the Avengers are happy and living together. 
> 
> Sorry, I don't know how to summarize this at all. It's a self indulgent, dialogue heavy story that I'm actually really nervous about posting. My first ever fanfic so please be nice :)

“Are you lost?” A soft voice wakes him from his daydream. He looks up from his phone to see a young woman dressed neatly in business clothes, feet in running shoes, brown hair tied up in a bun. He looks her over, estimating her height and weight subconsciously. No weapons, no visible sign of brutality, and yet he feels sharply alert. As if he needs to pay attention, as if something dangerous or possibly significant is happening. “Sorry, what was that,” he says, knowing exactly what she had said, but wondering if she would take it back now that his eyes are locked on hers. However, no gasp or sudden look of recognition occurs. Instead, she steps closer and repeats shyly, “I just asked if you were lost and maybe needed directions.”

Staring into her eyes he finds himself saying that yes, he is lost, and he would very much appreciate some help. Before he can take it back, or wonder why on earth he said that, she speaks again, this time faster and more certain of herself. “I would love to help you out, where are you going?” Then with a short pause and the shyness creeping back into her voice, “I probably won’t be much help though, I’m actually terrible with directions.”

He grins easily and then immediately forces his face back into neutrality. “What am I doing?” he asks internally, but something about a person who’s bad at directions offering to help with directions is just so funny to him. Foolish even he considers, but then glances at her and the soft blush on her cheeks and he changes his mind. Innocent, he decides, she just doesn’t know what the world is like yet. Allowing for a slight smile, he answers her, “I’m trying to get to Avengers Tower, have you heard of it?”

“Yes,” she beams up at him, “Stark Tower. I’ve been there before, and I think I know how to get there from here.” “Great,” he says excitedly, realizing that although he does not at all need directions, he is truly excited at the prospect of her giving them to him. Maybe he’s just excited because of her excitement he tells himself. It seems reasonable, her excitement, which has her cheerfully explaining how to get from here to Stark Tower, is palpable.

She’s eagerly explaining the best path to the Tower now and he has to remind himself to pay attention. Only a few sentences into her instructions, she backtracks, uncertain if its tenth or twelfth street that has the Starbucks to turn right at. Her nose wrinkles at this doubt and he finds himself enjoying it. Enjoying the sound of her voice, the dimpled smile, the wrinkled nose.

“That’s alright I’m sure I can figure it out from there, thank you.” He finds himself disappointed in his words, realizing that he does not in fact want this conversation to end. Thankfully, she shakes her head saying, “I’m bad at explaining directions, I'll know it when I see it, I could walk you if you wanted.” She blushes again more obviously this time, ducks her head and continues, “only if you want me to, it’s probably not.” He cuts her off, “that sounds great, thank you!” He is shocked by his own enthusiasm, but before he can overthink it, she’s grabbed his gloved hand and begun to walk off.

Thankful that it’s October and that the temperature is cool enough that his gloved hands do not seem to surprise her, he follows her lead. As they walk through the streets of Manhattan, he finds himself watching her as she taps her foot waiting for the cross walk, and as she stands on her tip toes eyes to the skyline trying to see the Tower on the horizon.

She makes a few wrong turns here and there, but he gets them back on track with explanations that she doesn’t question, such as he recognizes that bar so it must be there that we turn left or that he thinks he can see the top of the Tower from here so we should keep going straight. She is agreeable to all of his adjustments and they chat casually as the sun sets around them.

He asks her why she would walk somewhere with a stranger, let alone talk to one. She gives a vague answer about how she had a bad day at work, and how it makes her feel better to do something good. He was the perfect opportunity to do something good. He doesn’t know what to think of that. No one has thought of him as something good in the last eighty years. He’s not sure what to say, but there’s no need because she’s smiling at him again and asking him about what he was doing. He tells her that he was out on a walk and got lost, she nods knowingly and tells him that it happens to her all the time.

She holds up her phone and nearly drops it, laughs out loud at herself and lifting it up again, explains that she would be lost without it. She uses it to find her way home, she explains. As she dives into the differences in using different mapping apps, he wonders if she realizes that her phone is at five percent. Before he gets a chance to mention it to her, she stops at a bench beside the subway entrance. In his confusion he too stops and turns to her. She gestures forward and to his disappointment Avengers Tower is straight ahead. Just a few more blocks and no way of getting lost now.

She smiles at him and he knows that he just needs to say thank you and move on, but he doesn’t want to. “Will you go there with me?” he asks, regretting it instantly. She’s confused, sitting on the bench retying a shoelace. Realization finally hits her and he’s bracing himself for it now. For her to yell or run away or just shy away in fear. Instead she smiles kindly at him in a softer, gentler way that he doesn’t understand.

“I understand," she says standing up and adjusting her bag, “nothing to be ashamed of, lots of tourists want their picture taken next to it. Although it’s closed now, you should go tomorrow in the morning, it’s much cooler when all the people are inside working.” She’s going on now about how she would love to work there, that she applied a few years ago but had never heard back. For the first time he isn’t listening to a single word she says. He is in complete shock. She still doesn’t know who he is.

“Well are we going then?” she asks him still smiling and he quickly rushes to her side once more. “I think I need to explain who I am,” he says. She laughs and replies, “you already told me that you're James and that you're somewhat new to New York. I’m taking you to Stark Tower so you can have your picture taken by the entrance.”

He frowns, “my name is James and I am somewhat new to New York, but there’s something else.” He pauses to gauge her reaction, but she isn’t paying attention to the meaning behind his words. He grabs her arm, too harshly he realizes instantly, and easing up, he pulls her slowly to a bench.

Confusion is written all over her face, and he needs to explain himself quickly. “My name is James, but I go by Bucky. You may have seen me on the news or on TV.” At this she scoots away horrified. “You, you’re not one of those guys on channel nine, are you? The ones that kidnap girls and make them into prostitutes?” He’s shaking his head frantically now trying to find the words to say. How could he explain that he was so much worse than a kidnapper, but that it also wasn’t his fault that he was? How could he explain who he is without freaking her out even more?

She’s standing up now and ready to run away but is still looking at him. She stares at him as he shakes his head, his mouth open with no words coming out. He closes his mouth. He opens his mouth, but still no words. She sits back down, far away from him on the other side of the bench. The New Yorkers buzz around them, unaware of the strange interaction that was happening right before their eyes. “So, who are you, cause if you don’t tell me right now, I am gonna run away and then possibly call the police.”

He believes her and thankfully his brain manages to turn back on and figure out how to make sentences again. “My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I was the Winter Soldier, Captain America saved me from Hydra which.” She cuts him off, eyes wide, “Captain America? As in the Steve Rogers who fought Nazis and saved New York from aliens with the Avengers?” He nods solemnly. “Holy shit!” She shakes her head in disbelief.

He starts up again, “So Hydra is.” “Wait a second,” she interrupts, “so you’re not going to Stark Tower because you want a picture, you're going there because you.” “Yeah,” he finishes her sentence, “I live there with the rest of the Avengers.”

“Fuck, I’m such an idiot,” she says shaking her head, still staring at him with those big brown eyes. He smiles awkwardly, then says this time thankfully without interruption, “I did some really bad things, so if you want to forget any of this happened, I understand. But if you want, maybe you could walk me back and I could get my picture taken like you said.”

She laughs, much to his enjoyment. “I, I just can't believe it,” she says, standing and gesturing him to stand as well, “I’ve given directions to a lost Avenger.” “I’m not really an Avenger,” he explains, “plus I was never actually lost.” “Hmm makes sense,” she nods, “you’d be a pretty shitty superhero if you couldn’t find your way home after a walk.” He laughs, surprised at how easy it is to enjoy himself with her. Surprised at how happy he is that she didn’t run away or call the police.

By the time they reach the side entrance to Avengers Tower, the easiness from laughter has dissipated. He can feel the nervous energy bouncing off of her and he doesn’t know what to do about it. “This is a bad idea,” she announces loudly the second his hand touches the cool metal door handle.

“It’s eight-o-clock and I don’t belong here. I should go home right now.” Her eyes are wide, and her face is scared. His hand stills on the handle, “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but please at least come in and let me call you a cab home.” She whispers a quiet “okay,” nods her head, and he opens the door to let her inside.

The main entrance is magnificent, glass walls and a long large granite counter with security guards constantly prowling about. The side entrance, however, is hidden simply by the fact that it is the most plain and boring metal door, replicas of which are found in millions of buildings all around the world. This one, however, was very different. The handle, for example, only allowed those whose fingerprints which had been scanned in the system to enter, and the rest of the security measures, well, let’s just say Tony Stark didn’t go around telling people his secrets, not all of them anyway.

The door opens to a small yet elegant waiting room. An elevator and a desk with a comfortable chair are all that it contains. No one is in the chair, much to Bucky’s relief. He isn't on the best of terms with Happy or really any of the security team and bringing home a stranger whose background check Happy didn’t have would not have improved their relationship.

Bucky moves to the desk and pulls out the chair for her. She sits hesitantly on it; hands nervously clasped in her lap. “Relax, nothing’s gonna jump out at you,” he says smiling, realizing that he too is nervous. He had just brought a girl home, something he hadn’t done in a long, long time. “Here you go,” he says, handing her a charger Happy kept in the desk. “Thank you,” she says smiling, but still nervous. “How did you know?”

“How did I know what? That your phone’s dead?” he asks, sitting on top of the desk. “No, where the charger was, but I guess that too,” she says, plugging in her phone. “I saw that your phone was almost dead when you were talking about apps back on 17th street. And as you’ve probably noticed I pay attention to little things, so yeah I know where Happy keeps his phone charger.”

“Happy? Happy Hogan?” she asks, her eyes wide again. “You know of Happy Hogan, but not of the Winter Soldier?” he says laughing happily. “I guess so,” she replies laughing, “hang on this cord isn’t gonna steal all of my information and upload it to some Stark database is it?” “Hmm I’m not entirely sure but I think you're just gonna have to risk it.” She laughs again and he leans back, happy that maybe the easy-going flirtatious Bucky, the one that Steve told stories about, is still there.

The elevator doors open and they both spin around in shock to see who would approach them. “Oh, Bucky. FRIDAY should have realized it was just you, Tony’s been messing with some algorithms or something and she’s been warning us about intruders all night. And of course, it’s when Happy wants a spontaneous night off so.”

The one and only Pepper Potts looks up again from her tablet to realize that, no it isn’t just Bucky, there’s someone else with him. Trying to hide her shock, Pepper quickly recovers, turns on a stunning smile and reaches out her hand. “Pepper Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, and apparently security detail as well. It’s nice to meet you.”

Awed by Pepper she manages to reach out her hand. “Wow, it is such an honor to meet you, you're just incredible at running this company and.” Bucky interrupts, “this is Y/N, she was just walking me home. I was just about to call a cab for her to go home.”

“Right,” she says dropping Ms. Potts’ hand. “Umm could I maybe have access to the Wi-Fi, I kinda need to check my balance,” she blushes again, “money’s a little tight right now, so I just need to see if I need to move some stuff around.” Her voice is small and she’s embarrassed, embarrassed to have to admit to Pepper that she doesn’t know if she has enough money to pay for a cab ride home.

Before Bucky can save her, Pepper steps up, shaking her head and typing on the tablet. “We’ll cover the cost, it’s the least we can do.” She’s still blushing but looks relieved, so he looks at Pepper hoping that his face is conveying a look of gratitude. “Alright, a cab is on the way,” Pepper states, giving him a look he’s not sure he understands.

“Thank you, Ms. Potts,” she says, offering the tall CEO a smile. “Not a problem,” Pepper replies, still typing away at her tablet. It’s clear that Pepper is not leaving to let the two of them have a private moment alone.

The three of them stand there in silence, listening to Pepper’s nails on the tablet and the air flowing through the ventilation. Finally, in a moment of bravery Bucky says, “let’s go outside and wait, I’m feeling a bit warm." Pepper gives him another look, but Y/N appears grateful for the escape. The women bid each other good night and he leads her back outside into the cool October night air. They sit on the steps together looking at everything but each other.

Finally, the cab arrives, and they stand up and walk towards it. A simple goodbye or maybe a hug, Bucky isn’t sure what to do and it’s clear that neither does she when they end up shaking hands to say goodbye. Her small hand in his larger one, they both laugh a little before Bucky speaks.

“I’m really happy I met you today, get home safe, alright?” She nods and he opens the door for her to get in. She does and he closes the door, thankful that the cab’s window is still down. Her hand reaches out, acting seemingly of its own accord, and lands on his which is resting on the top of the window. “I’m really happy too,” she says and smiles at him, her eyes sparkling. Her hand returns to her lap and as the cab drives away, all Bucky can do is stand there mesmerized by her.

A few moments after she leaves, the secret side door is opened and Pepper’s head peeks out. “Are you coming in or not?” she asks, grinning at him with a knowing look. He heads back inside the Tower still thinking about her hand on his. Pepper is speaking, and he gives his head a small shake to clear his mind. Pepper repeats herself, “well did you get her number?”

“Fuck,” Bucky says loudly, angry at himself for forgetting about modern times again. Pepper steps into the elevator, “well I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there Barnes, it’s a big step forward”.

“Hmm,” he mumbles as the elevator climbs to the upper floors, his mind running through everything she had said to him during their walk. “Meeting new people is such an improvement, I’m sure you’ll find someone great,” Pepper says kindly. She exits the elevator saying, “goodnight, Bucky.” “Goodnight,” he calls back to her as the doors close. Moments later, as he walks to his room, all he can think is, “I already found someone great.”


	2. Chapter 2

Thankfully the driver knew where he was going because you didn’t pay attention to a single thing as you stared out the window. Your mind was daydreaming about the man you had just met, who you had also just left. This person who, if you weren’t sitting in a car with Stark emblazoned seats, you would have assumed you had dreamt up.

As the car drove through the busy streets your mind scolded yourself for not asking for his number, and then scolded yourself again for even thinking that asking for his number would have been appropriate. Soon enough you were home and thanking the driver. Wishing that you had cash on hand to at least give them a tip, you climbed up the stairs to your fourth-floor apartment.

Living with three other girls had never been a goal of yours, but a New York City apartment was no small price, so you had bitten the bullet and moved in with strangers. Three years later and they were still mostly that, strangers. The three girls had lived together for only a few months before their previous roommate had a mental breakdown and you had moved in, but they all got along so well you couldn’t help but feel jealous at times.

You didn’t like to go out to parties, or gossip about boys, you generally felt uncomfortable talking about your sex life, and you weren’t interested in taking drugs other than those which had been prescribed to you by your doctor. Not that your roommates were wild or terrible people, you had just never taken the chance to get to know them properly, and now it was too late to do so. Perhaps you were just boring, but you preferred the solitude your roommates provided you with over any alternative you could think of.

The three girls going out just about every night, for example, allows you to come home and not have to deal with finding the right words to say. This night, however, you are looking forward to having some company, you have a story to tell for once, and you figured the girls would even find it interesting.

Energized at the prospect of telling your tale, you enter your apartment with a smile. Immediately admonishing yourself for getting your hopes up, you sit on the floor of the empty apartment to take off your shoes. All the feelings of happiness and excitement from meeting James (no, he goes by Bucky, you remind yourself) disappear, leaving you with the reminder of the horrible day of work you had had, and all the work still left to do tonight.

You had heard tales of your boss from coworkers long before you had ever met him, but not even the stories could explain the man who acted as if he owned you. You loved your work as a data analyst, but the environment you worked in was starting to wear you down. Nevertheless, you persisted. Deciding that your work can wait until tomorrow, you take a quick shower, dress in comfy pajamas, and crawl into bed exhausted from a long busy day.

You sleep poorly, waking when the girls come home and again when a storm’s lightning strikes. Despite your erratic sleep, you only snooze your alarm once before you’re up and quickly rushing to get ready for work. Work drags on and on with you mostly stuck answering emails instead of actually getting any work done. Finally, it's nearly two and you can’t put off having lunch any longer. Eager to make the second half of your day shorter than the first half, you always wait until you’re starving before breaking for lunch. Plus, the added benefit of not having to deal with office small take made late lunches part of your everyday routine.

Unfortunately, the break room isn’t empty when you arrive with your leftovers. Sasha, a middle-aged woman known for her need to chatter, is at one of the tables with her laptop. You quickly move to a table far from Sasha’s but before you have a chance to sit down, Sasha is calling you over. “Oh, I don’t want to distract you from your work, Sasha” doesn’t work either, and you find yourself at the talker’s table.

Sasha is persistent with her prying and you grow more and more frustrated with the personal questions being hurdled at you. After Sasha’s comments on how interesting it as that you, a 25-year-old woman, do not have a husband or even a boyfriend, you crack. Setting down your fork with newfound confidence, you announce, “actually I met someone really great last night.” Sasha is intrigued and fires off another round of questions. You answer only half of them, and Sasha isn’t having it.

“What’s his name? How do you not know his profession? I'll look him up online for you!” Annoyed again by all of humanity, you tell her, “Bucky Barnes, he’s an Avenger.” “You're lying,” Sasha says with an honest to god laugh. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time,” she roars with hysterics. “There’s no way an Avenger would just run into someone like you and.” Sasha is laughing too hard to continue, but you already get the idea.

Standing up and throwing the rest of your lunch away, you leave Sasha in the breakroom without a goodbye. Crashing into your office chair with a huge sigh, you wonder if maybe you did dream it all up, that there was no way that an Avenger would take a second look at someone like you. Before you can mull it over, your boss strolls into your office without warning. “Ahh, there you are. I’m gonna need you to stay late again tonight, I need you to look over my presentations like last time.” You stand up and slam your hands on your desk. “No.”

“Great, so I’ve already sent the slides over and.” “I said no,” you interrupt him furiously. Your boss freezes in confusion, unsure of what to say next. “In fact, I’m leaving early today to make up for the last 200 days I stayed late.” You grab your bag and start throwing your things inside, rushing to get out of the claustrophobic office. You dash by your boss who is still standing in the doorway to your office in shock.

Running on endorphins you decide to take the long way home. Walking through the New York streets cursing your boss in your mind, you find yourself lost in another daydream. This time wondering what it would be like to hold hands with Bucky as the two of you walk around town. Realizing that you had missed your turn and now don’t know where you are, your first thought is not to panic, instead it is to daydream about how this would be the perfect time for Bucky to show up and now offer you directions to get back home.

An angry driver’s honks wake you up once more, and although your first thought is to wonder what Bucky would have done if he were there (call the driver rude while also pulling you onto the sidewalk, you decide), your second thought is reasonable enough: to get out your phone and consult maps before you get more lost. You remind yourself once more that you are an independent woman who can find your own way home, adding in that you in fact do not need Bucky or anyone else’s help. Although, you think to yourself after passing a couple holding hands, it would be nice to have someone around to help when things got tough.

Admonishing yourself for being so caught up in a boy you had just met, you head into your apartment with a new plan: to learn everything you could about the mysterious Bucky Barnes. After all he had thought you would already know him, so there had to be some good information online about him. Scoffing at the reminder of Sasha and her offer to stalk him back in the office, you pull out your laptop. You would just be doing some research, no harm in that. Just checking to see if you even did have a chance with this man.

Pages and pages of google results later, you realize how entirely crazy your situation is. You got your chance and you lost it. There was no way to contact this man unless you went to Stark Tower and then what, you’d ask Happy Hogan if you could have a word with the Winter Soldier? It was altogether ridiculous, and you become even sadder when you realize that Sasha was probably right. An Avenger wouldn’t give a second glance to someone like you. Dismayed by your love life you resort to trashy daytime TV while searching for new jobs. Even if you weren’t already fired for being so rude, you desperately needed to find something new.

Before you knew it, the roommates were arriving home. “Oh, didn’t think you’d be here already,” Kelly says with a look of shock or maybe even horror on her face as she watches you on the couch still in your work clothes with an entire tub of ice cream on your lap. “Ooh I love The Devil Wears Prada,” says Dakota and soon you find yourself surrounded by your roommates for the first girl’s night you’ve had in a long time.

When the Notebook ends it is nearly midnight. You’ve all eaten too much pizza and you’ve all cried, but you feel better now than you have all day. “Thank you for this you guys. I really appreciate it,” you say as you all sit in the dark sprawled out on the living room floor.

“You need to hang out with us more,” Ida says confidently. Kelly and Dakota nod and yawn, respectively in response. “So, what’s going on with your life? You usually get home so late we don’t get to invite you to the bars,” Dakota asks. “Did you lose your job?” Kelly whispers. You sigh and move to sit on the couch next to Ida. “No, at least not yet anyway. I kinda freaked out on my boss and walked out today.” The girls stare in surprise, their faces begging to know more.

“Well, I met this guy.” Squeals of excitement are heard and encouraging nods are seen. “He’s famous I guess, and I don’t know why, but I just can’t get him out of my head.” Kelly can't hide her joy at this, “Love!” she exclaims, “did you not pay attention to any of the movies we just watched? You can’t forget him because of love!” “Woah, hold up,” Ida chimes in, “she just met the guy, what else do you know about him, who is he?”

After much explaining, you are feeling much better about your prospects. The girls have all heard of the one and only James Buchanan Barnes and they all make it clear that they are very much attracted to him. Despite their fawning over pictures of Bucky from the forties as well as the fact that they have never met him, they are all convinced that you are the one for him. Or at least they pretend to be convinced.

They discuss Bucky and his history until you can barely keep your eyes open. Listening to their stories, you wonder how you had never heard of him before. Sure, you tried to avoid things that made you upset at the advice of your therapist, which included the news, but it was still strange. You promise yourself to open up more and pay attention to the world outside. After all, if you hadn’t been so closed off, you could have had lots of nights like these with your roommates from the start.

Finally, at two in the morning, the girls have determined that you have told them every last detail about the soldier. As you lay in bed your mind drifts unsurprisingly to Bucky, wondering if he’s asleep, or if he’s thought about you at all, especially since he is all you seem to be able to think about. Wondering what his arms would feel like wrapped around your body, you drift off to sleep, dreaming of blue eyes and a certain smile.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two days since he had met her, and he still hadn’t been able to shake her from his mind. Bucky didn’t know the right way to react to most things anymore, but a pretty girl was a whole new level of confusion. Steve had noticed his distracted state, but Bucky had explained it away by blaming headaches, a lie he felt bad about, but it was still a truth in a way.

This girl had him thinking constantly and it was in fact hurting his mind, as he thought of every possible outcome for every possible action he could take. If he called her up she could hang up, or not remember him, or call the police, or a million other things, and his mind had of course decided to think of all of the bad options.

Thankfully, Pepper hadn’t seemed to mention her to anyone. There hadn’t been an increase in whispers as he walked around the Tower, and Sam hadn’t made any jokes based on relationships yet. Not that there was a relationship, more of an acquaintance really, but wow did he want to get to know her more.

He had considered looking her up, but he didn’t know much about her, not even a last name, and the internet was still mostly a mystery to him. Sure, he had many people he could ask for help, but the idea of asking Natasha or Bruce to help him find a girl he met on the streets of New York was just way too weird.

So instead he had attempted to resume life as he had lived it before. Training constantly, and just trying to pick up the pieces of his life or what was left of it. Wanda, one of the first people he had learned to trust, had been most helpful in this regard. Meeting someone with the power to control his mind when he had already dealt with so much brainwashing in the past was terrifying, but Wanda had been understanding. After all, she really did just want to help.

Wanda had somewhat taken Bucky in as a pet project; quite strange considering Bucky was over seventy years older than her. Bucky, however, was very appreciative of the welcome. She had worked extensively with Dr. Banner to try to bring back as many of Bucky’s memories as she could.

His memory didn't improve much, but the effort they had put into the task had warmed him tremendously to the team. Soon after, he would often find himself sitting in on Steve’s cooking lessons, taught by Wanda. Every once in a while, he’d help slice and chop, his knife skills coming in handy, or he’d learn something completely new like making donuts.

Cooking wasn’t something many men did in the forties, and Bucky was no exception. He didn’t have many memories of food, but there was something so comforting about making something with his hands, working with people who cared about him, and doing something good. Plus, the food usually turned out delicious.

So, he’s in the kitchen, mind still distant, as he chops onions for Wanda’s recipe when Pepper walks in. She’s not with Tony and she doesn’t have her tablet with her, which is all quite odd, but Bucky is too lost in dreamland to notice. “Barnes. Barnes, you alive in there?” Bucky jolts up, scanning the room for danger. “So, have you managed to meet up with that girl again?” Pepper asks, a slight smirk on her face.

“What girl?” Steve and Wanda say simultaneously, both setting down their utensils to stare at him. “Just a girl I met the other day,” he answers in what he hopes is a very casual tone.

“You didn’t tell me about this!” Steve announces, sounding a little upset. “Sorry,” Bucky says, “it’s not a big deal. I’m probably never gonna see her again anyway.” “Well, tell us about her,” Wanda says, picking up her spoon and resuming cooking, “who is she, how’d you meet, everything.”

“Everything?” Bucky groans, shaking his head at Pepper who laughs. “I do love the sound of that,” Tony says, arriving from probably his workshop, considering the large amount of grease on his hands. He gives Pepper a kiss on the cheek and says, “so what’s got Barnes looking like a tomato?”

Bucky frowns, he can’t possibly be blushing right now, can he? Putting the knife down once more he sighs. “Don’t know why anyone cares, but I met a girl and now I guess everyone wants to know everything.” “Oh,” Tony says, pointing a finger, “the real cute brunette in my house Tuesday night? I do want to hear about this.” Bucky gives Pepper a look, but she only shrugs in response, “I had to tell someone about it”.

“You know I didn’t believe her until I saw the tape myself,” Tony says, teasing. “FRIDAY, be a dear and play the security footage of Barnes and his girl for us.” FRIDAY displays the video recording on the TV in the kitchen, showing her sitting in Happy’s chair with Bucky on the desk talking, just moments before Pepper showed up. Bucky puts his head in his hands as the others watch, captivated.

“She’s cute,” Wanda says simply, still stirring her stew. Grateful that there’s no audio on the recording, Bucky shakes his head again saying, “this is such an invasion of privacy. Besides, it’s nothing, I have no way of contacting her again.”

“An invasion of privacy?” Stark says, “that’s funny, I was thinking it was more like a security risk, I can’t have random strangers entering my home all willy-nilly. That being said I won’t post the video online or share it with anyone else.” Bucky lets out a sigh of relief. “Unless of course, I don’t get to hear more about this lovely lady.”

“Come on Tony, cut Bucky some slack,” Steve says. “If he doesn’t want to see her again then he doesn’t need to.” Bucky speaks before thinking, “I do want to see her again though, I just can’t.” “Can’t?” Tony says, mocking Bucky, “you do know who you’re talking to right?” Steve’s grinning wildly now, knowing that he has made Bucky admit what he had refused to admit before.

“So, did you find her?” Bucky asks, turning back to Stark. “Actually no, your girl was where my security is supposed to be sitting and I just have the one camera in there since, well, only a handful of people can enter that door. The recordings from the cameras in these private areas are on a different program, so I haven’t run facial recognition yet. I could rewrite the system which I probably should do anyway, but I figure you’ve got more information on her,” Stark speaks quickly, fiddling with a screwdriver he must’ve had in his pocket.

“Not much,” Bucky frowns, “I don’t know her last name, but I do have a general idea of where she lives and works.” “I know!” Pepper announces excitedly, “the driver from that night knows exactly where she lives.”

“A little creepy maybe, but definitely an option,” Tony says. “So, what about work, what does she do?” “She’s a data analyst,” Bucky answers, “she hates her boss but she’s not ready to quit. Oh, and she applied here three years ago, but she never heard back. Do you keep applications from that long ago?”

“We keep everything,” is Tony’s answer as he happily taps away on his Stark phone. Displaying his phone to the TV, he presents, “a list of all applicants we’ve had in the last five years with the same first name as your girl.” There’s over a hundred and Bucky is dismayed.

“No worries grease lightning, well just add in a filter for age, no one less than 20 or over 35.” The list drops to 50 applicants. “Now we want to check all of the data positions, I’m guessing she didn’t apply for janitorial staff. And look at that just 20 left.”

“Twenty’s a lot,” Wanda says, unimpressed by Tony’s work. “Well,” Tony huffs, “I’ll narrow the application date and duh, I’ll make sure they’re all the rejects.” A few more clicks and Bucky is staring up at just 10 names. “This would be so much easier if we had photos.” Tony decides, “make sure all future applicants include a headshot, Pep.” Pepper scoffs at her boyfriend but pulls out her phone to do what Bucky assumes is to take note of it.

Tony is scrolling through the resumes now, Bucky reading quickly, desperate to find a connection. “You do know that at this point you could just google the names,” Steve says, proud of his knowledge of modern technology. “Yeah,” Wanda agrees, pulling out her own phone. “See look at this,” Wanda hands her phone to Bucky, an image of Y/N smiling on the screen.

“How’d you get that so fast?” Bucky says in shock, slightly horrified at how accessible everything seemed these days. “Yeah Stark, I was way faster at finding her,” Wanda says laughing as Tony makes a face. “Sure,” he responds, “you took the easy route, takes all the fun out of it. I like to challenge myself.” Pepper rolls her eyes as Wanda laughs.

Tony changes the topic, focusing on the screen again and selecting the correct applicant. “Hmm, I wonder why we didn’t hire this one?” Tony asks, reading the impressive resume. He swipes back to look at her background check which is cleared. He swipes again to see her cover letter.

“And there it is,” Tony announces, reading part of it out loud, “however, I plan to live in New York City for only a year before returning to my hometown, so this would not be a lasting position.” “What a weird thing to put on an application,” Wanda says, pouring her stew into bowls for the group. “It is odd,” Tony agrees, taking the first bowl. “But what’s weirder is that it’s been three years and she’s still here.”

“Plans change, it’s not a big deal. I’m sure she just changed her mind after living here for a while,” Steve says, patting Bucky on the back. “But to put it in an application makes it seem like she had other plans, so I wonder what happened,” Pepper says. “Well I guess Bucky’s gonna have to call her to find out so he can tell us,” Wanda decides in a matter of fact tone. “Now someone go call the others before all of the food’s gone."


	4. Chapter 4

“Knock, knock,” Jane says entering your office. “A little birdie named Sasha told me you’ve gone crazy and think you’ve met a superhero. Wanna tell me about it.” Not asking a question at all, Jane perches on your desk staring at you. Groaning, you begin to tell your tale to your coworker. Jane was somewhat of a friend to you, being one of the only other women your age in the office, the two of you had a somewhat natural bond. 

You finish your story, occasionally pausing for Jane’s reactions or to answer her questions. “Just because you fall in love every time someone holds the door for you doesn’t mean this is love,” you explain to Jane after she has finished fawning over what had happened. “Oh, don’t act like you aren’t a romantic, I know you love love,” Jane practically sings. “Well don’t get your hopes up. I’ll probably never see him again.” You respond sadly with a sigh.

It’s been three days since you met Bucky and he was still on your mind. You knew you should move on, but it hadn’t been easy to think of anything other than him. As a result, you had put your energy into moving on in a different part of your life. Although you were thankful that you still had your job, you still needed to find a new position. Your boss, oddly enough, had been nice to you since you had walked out on him, but you knew it wouldn’t last.

Jane hovers in your office, looking through your things casually as you try to focus on work. “Take a break,” Jane whines, “it’s Friday you should go out with me tonight!” You sigh, standing up to usher Jane out of your office. “You know I have lots to get done, so can you please let me focus? Plus, you’ve got plenty to do yourself,” you remind her.

Before you can kick Jane out, your phone rings and she pounces on it. “No this is Jane, but I’ve got her right here, who is calling?” Jane answers brightly. “Oh really,” she says her eyes widening, her hand covering the receiver as she whisper yells, “it’s your lover!”

You roll your eyes, “not funny Jane, give me the phone. It’s probably Max from accounting calling me back.” “Fine, don’t believe me,” Jane mutters, handing you the phone. “Hello?” You say, sitting back down behind your desk.

“Hi, um, this is Bucky, Bucky Barnes from, uh, the other night.” You leap out of your chair at the sound of his voice, Jane laughing at you. You manage to squeak out, “hi, Bucky, how are you?” and shove Jane out of your office, shutting and locking the door. Thankfully Jane doesn't call out or try to get back inside and so you begin to pace around your room nervously.

“I’m doing good, how are you?” the voice on the phone asks. “Oh me? I’m, uh, I’m so great, thanks for asking.” You hit yourself on the forehead, you sound dumb and you know it. “So, uh what’s up? Why are you calling?” you say in an attempt to recover.

“Oh, well I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out some time today.” Bucky says all rather quickly. You pause in shock and he must take it as a bad sign because he begins to backtrack. “I mean sorry, that’s probably super weird, I’m sure you’re busy, or already have.” “No,” you interrupt, “no, I’m not busy at all actually. What did you have in mind?”

“Really? Great!” He answers, sounding quite possibly relieved. “Um, maybe we could go on a walk again tonight? Maybe I could pick you up from work if you’d like? I could show you around the Tower or we could do something else if you’d prefer,” he rambles.

Grinning widely, you answer, “no, that sounds perfect I’ll be done with work at five thirty today.” “Okay, I’ll see you then!” He tells you. “Oh, I work at PLN Corporations at the office on 29th Street,” you add quickly. “Oh, I know,” he responds.

Smacking yourself in the head again for your stupidity, you respond, “right, you called me at work.” “So, I’ll see you there at five thirty?” he confirms. “Yes,” you say, your grin making a reappearance. “Great, goodbye.” “Bye,” you say and gently hang up the phone.

You realize your heart is pounding as you sit back down in your chair only to leap up again when you hear a knock on your door. It’s Jane and she heard your half of the conversation. She’s excited to hear about the other half, but more importantly she stuck around because you hadn’t let her grab her phone before you had kicked her out. You tell her of the invite, and she congratulates you, then heads out of your office finally leaving you to get some work done.

Of course, even though she’s gone now and you’re alone, the distractions have not stopped. It’s nearly three and in just two and a half hours you’ll be seeing Bucky again. Your mind is racing as you quickly type up your reports for the week, counting down the seconds until you’re free.

Somehow it feels like both twelve hours and twelve seconds have passed, but then it’s 5:15 and in just fifteen minutes you will be face to face with Bucky again. Your hands shake as you pack your bag and shut down your computer.

You pace your office for a few more minutes until it’s 5:20 and you head out towards to the elevators to go downstairs. Jane catches your eye before the elevator doors close and you are forced to wait for her. “Don’t be so nervous,” she tells you as you rock back and forth on your heels.

“Easy for you to say,” you respond, taking in deep breaths. Your work bag is slung over your shoulder and you adjust it nervously as you check your watch for the millionth time today.

The elevator of course stops at every floor possible so it’s 5:30 on the dot when you step out of the building with Jane by your side. “So, are you just gonna meet up here or what?” she asks you curiously. Bucky standing just outside, hands in his pockets, answers her question.

“Hi,” you manage to say, giving a short and awkward wave. Jane introduces herself and shakes Bucky’s hand jovially. He politely introduces himself, and thankfully Jane understands the look you give her and leaves before starting a conversation.

Bucky shyly offers to carry your bag for you as you walk, but you refuse, explaining that it’s heavy. Bucky nods politely at this and the two of you walk the next few blocks in silence. It’s awkward and you both know it, but neither of you seem to know what to say.

You finally get the courage to speak, asking Bucky, “so how’d you get my phone number?” He blushes, which makes you giggle. The tension breaks and soon he’s laughing too, which only makes you laugh harder. Once you’ve both gotten your giggles out, he answers. “The team helped me find you online so I could call your work.”

You nod solemnly, “well tell them thank you from me because it was a great surprise.” He smiles at you and offers again to take your bag. “I promise I won’t run off with it,” he jokes with a smile.

This time you agree and hand it over. “You weren’t kidding, this thing is heavy,” he says, surprised at the bag’s heft. “Is it too heavy for a super soldier?” you tease with a laugh. He smiles back at you, “so you looked me up, huh?” It’s your turn to blush. “I had to figure out who you were, especially since you thought I’d already know,” you explain. “Makes sense,” he says grinning, leading the way through the crowded sidewalks.

The two of you converse easily as you walk to Stark Tower, or as Bucky corrects you, Avengers Tower. You find yourself more and more relaxed the more you talk. Once the Tower is in your sights, however, those feelings start to fade, and your heart starts to speed up again. Trying to wipe your sweaty hands on your dress without Bucky noticing, you attempt to force yourself to calm down.

Bucky, almost as if he can hear your heart pounding, grabs your hand in his and squeezes it. “Pretty much everyone is out right now so you don’t have to worry about running into Pepper or anyone else again.” He says in an attempt to soothe. You nod, still nervous at the prospects of entering the home of the Avengers.

“Besides,” he adds, “I told them you were coming and to stay away.” “You told them about me?” you ask, surprised to hear that the Avengers might know who you are. “Well I didn’t really have a choice,” he says with a laugh, “they were the ones who convinced me to call you, remember?” “Right,” you say softly. “Not that it took much convincing,” Bucky quickly adds nervously. You smile up at him and squeeze his hand tight.

Even closer to the Tower now, you can't help but admire its grandeur out loud. Bucky smiles as you compliment the modern style and uniqueness of the building. “If you think this one is cool, just wait until the Compound is done,” he says as you look up at the giant A on the building. “The what?” you ask, assuming you misheard Bucky.

“The Compound, we’re moving upstate real soon. Tony says it’s getting too crowded here and I for one agree.” You hide your shock and mentally make note to look into this once you get home. He continues, “of course we’ll still have to do some work in the city, but it’ll be nice to have more space and some nature other than pigeons.” You agree cheerfully, adding in that you too wish for a change of scenery every once in a while.

Bucky opens the side door for you and again the room is empty. “Still no security?” you ask Bucky, curious about the seemingly perpetually unoccupied desk. He shrugs, “Happy’s usually in and out, but the building’s pretty secure, so don’t worry.”

Of course, at the mention of worrying you begin to remember where you actually are, and all the worries fall back into place in your mind. Bucky repeats himself, “really, please don’t worry about anything.” You smile to reassure him, and he moves to push the button for the elevator. Almost instantly the doors open, and Bucky selects the 50thfloor.

You clasp your hands together tightly as the elevator rises. Unsure of what to expect, you focus on making your breathing as calm as possible. Bucky sets your bag on the floor and pulls out his phone. Looking at his metal hand, which until this moment had been covered by a glove, move so fluidly distracts you from the thoughts scrambling your mind. However, once the doors open you feel yourself forgetting how to breathe.

It’s positively beautiful, the entrance area you see before you. It’s modern and bright but comfortable and cozy all at the same time. Bucky picks up your bag once again and steps out of the elevator. “Some of the rooms are pretty much all packed up now,” he explains, leading you through a wide yet bare hallway, past a beautiful and mostly empty kitchen, and into a massive lounge room with a long couch.

True to his word, no one is around, but you are still a little nervous as you move to sit on the giant couch. “Here let me take your coat,” Bucky offers as he sets your bag on the ground near you. You shrug it off and hand it over, Bucky moves to a corner then turns back, setting your coat on the arm of the couch. “Sorry, I keep forgetting. Ever since we’ve been packing up, things keep disappearing around here.” “Right,” you say, nodding carefully.

The two of you chat about the Compound upstate, and the frustrations that come along with moving. Eventually the conversation dies down and you two are stuck sitting on the couch without much to look at. Just as you are about to ask Bucky to tell you more about himself, he jumps up, his face revealing nothing.

You join him on your feet quickly, “what is it? Is something wrong?” You turn in a circle looking around at the room trying to spot something amiss. “Nothing’s wrong,” he answers, “I just realized how rude I’ve been. I should have offered you a drink or a snack or something when we got here. Please sit and tell me what you’d like.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” you say, “I had a late lunch, I really don’t need anything.” “Are you sure,” he asks again, “we have pretty much anything you can think of.” You pause to think, “um, water would be great actually.” He nods and rushes off to go get it before you can say another word. You uncross and recross your legs, uncomfortable to be alone. Pulling out your phone you aimlessly go through apps, wondering how long it’ll take Bucky to return.

Before you know it, something is on top of you. A hand covers your mouth before you can scream, another grips your throat painfully. You’re pinned to the floor, unable to move your head to see what is going on. You try to scream, but the hand only tightens. Trying to focus on breathing so as to not have a panic attack, you attempt to wiggle free.

Footsteps approach and a voice calls out, “I wasn’t sure if you wanted bottled water or.” You hear the sound of glass breaking, a thud, and then the weight is off of you. “Natasha, what the fuck!” Bucky is yelling at a redhead dressed in black, the woman he had just tackled. You get up and back away quickly, unsure if the environment is still hostile.

Bucky stands, the redhead sitting casually on the floor, looking just as angry as Bucky as he shouts at her. “What the hell were you thinking? You can’t just do that to every stranger!” The woman stands, “and how was I supposed to know she wasn’t dangerous?” “Because she’s sitting here doing nothing wrong for fuck’s sake!” He yells back at her.

“She wasn’t in the system!” The woman yells back, “FRIDAY said no guests were checked in, that it was just the team, so when I saw someone who is clearly not part of the team, I attacked!” Bucky sighs, sinking back onto the couch, his head falling into his hands.

Footsteps approach again, this time people running. You quickly move over to Bucky, unsure if these people will move to attack you too. Two men arrive, looking confused. “What is going on here?” the blonde asks. You gasp, hand moving to cover your mouth. “That’s, that’s Captain America,” you say softly, “and you’re the Falcon, so.”

“So Black Widow attacked you, yes,” Bucky says, his voice spiteful. Falcon is clearly amused by all of this, but Captain Rogers looks upset. “Sam, go clean up that glass,” he commands, looking at Bucky trying to read him. Sam moans, “no way, that is not my problem.”

You stop staring at everyone around you, remembering the first crash you had heard. Sure enough, a water bottle along with broken glass and spilled water cover the floor by the door. “I'll do it,” you say, “it’s, uh, it’s my fault anyway.” “No, it’s not your fault,” Natasha speaks, rolling her eyes at the boys and moving to help you. “It’s this idiot's and mine,” she adds gesturing to Bucky who also moves over to help pick up the broken glass.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so rough.” The boys look surprised at this apology and Steve responds, “it’s unacceptable, Nat. Although Bucky, if you had just informed FRIDAY, then none of this would have happened in the first place.”

Bucky shakes his head at Steve, “she was supposed to be at Clint’s until tomorrow morning, how was I supposed to know she’d be back early. No one would have been here that wasn’t in the kitchen when we discussed all of this earlier.” You blush at this, a reminder that the others do know who you are.

Once Sam has fetched a broom, dustpan, towel and a trash can, and the mess is cleaned up, you realize how weird all of this really is. You had no business being in the Avengers Tower with the Avengers and yet here you were face to face with real life superheroes. “I really should get going,” you say turning to look for your bag, “thank you so much for having me.”

“Wait, don’t go,” a new voice says from above. Leaning over the balcony from the 51stfloor are two more people, a woman and what looks to be like a robotic man. “I’m Wanda, and this is Vision,” the woman explains, floating down in a red cloud to shake your hand. Your hand is embarrassingly sweaty, but thankfully Wanda doesn’t say anything about it.

Once Wanda and Vision are caught up on the story, told by Sam with Natasha and Bucky correcting every other sentence, you all sit in silence. Wanda stares at you curiously, and you uncomfortably readjust your bag. Your stomach, betraying you, suddenly growls loud enough for all to hear.

Feeling your face turn red, you quickly grab your coat and announce that you really do need to go. The Avengers protest, but Bucky stays quiet, watching you carefully. “Stay! Wanda’s making dinner tonight it’ll be great!” Sam informs you. “No, I’m not,” Wanda says then corrects herself, “I mean, sure I am. I can make anything you’d like!”

They’re clearly eager to have you stay for dinner, but Bucky neither asks you to stay or to leave. Shaking your head, you refuse once more, and hide your shaking hands behind your back. Seeing your apprehension, Wanda once again changes fronts. “I’ll walk you to the entrance and get you a ride home, if you really want to go.” Afraid your voice will betray you and show your anxiety, you only nod. Wanda stands as the team uncomfortably shifts in their seats.

Bucky stands too, uncertain of himself, refusing to make eye contact with you. Calmed by the knowledge that maybe he is just as nervous as you are, you move towards him. Before your reasoning can defeat your impulses, you wrap your arms around him in a hug.

He squeezes you back, a quick yet comfortable embrace. The rest of the team tries not to stare but fail miserably as you finish your goodbyes to Bucky. He smiles at you and whispers a goodbye in return. You wave to the rest of the team, thank them once more, and leave with Wanda leading the way.

Wanda’s curiosity takes over less than a minute after you’ve left the large living area. “So, I know how you guys met and all, but tell me everything, I want to know.” You laugh a little and say, “you sound just like my roommates, always begging for more details.”

“Sorry,” Wanda says with a frown, “you don’t have to share if you don’t want to. I just don’t get a lot of opportunities to talk about stuff like this.” “Hmm,” you say, thinking about what life must be like for Wanda. “I’ll try my best to give you all the details, ask away.” And she does, asking questions until you're at the front entrance of the building.

Wanda leaves to talk to a security man, presumably to get you a ride home. She returns and informs you that a car will be here in five minutes. Your stomach growls again. Wanda laughs at this and hands you a candy bar. “Here, hopefully this will help.” You thank her and accept it, being a complete sucker for anything chocolate. Wanda leads you to a waiting area with a couple of arm chairs and the two of you sit.

As you eat the chocolate, she says in an offhand voice, “it really is a shame isn’t it?” You don’t respond due to the food in your mouth but instead raise your eyebrows at her to display your confusion. “I just mean,” Wanda starts over, “it’s a shame what all happened. Bucky was really looking forward to this. And with it being his second chance and all,” she pauses giving you a look, “it really is just too bad.”

Still confused, you toss the candy wrapper in the trash and ask her, “what do you mean second chance?” “Well, he thinks he messed up your guys’ first encounter, and this one hasn’t gone so great either,” she responds carefully. “That’s ridiculous,” you say. “Besides, third times the charm, right?” you add awkwardly. Wanda positively beams at your words.

The security guard walks over and tells you that the car is outside, and he will take you to it. Wanda leans over to give you a hug, despite the fact that you’re still sitting down. She moves to leave, but you catch her arm.

“Wait,” you say opening up your bag and pulling out a piece of paper and a pen. You quickly write down your phone number and hand it to her, “please, give this to Bucky.” She grins wildly and turns on her heel to dash to elevator, calling out goodbye to you. Laughing, you zip up your bag and follow the guard outside and into the car. Once again, you're leaving Bucky in an expensive car, but maybe this time it won’t take him so long to call.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Once she has left with Wanda, Bucky falls back onto the couch with a loud groan. “It wasn’t that bad,” Steve soothes. Sam laughs and adds, “you do need to get better at this, Barnes. She is way cuter in person.” Bucky wants to yell at Sam, but there’s not much to say. Sam is right, he is bad at all of this, and wow she is cute in person. Turning on the TV, they lounge on the couch, flipping through the channels and waiting for Wanda to return.

Ten minutes later Wanda runs gleefully into the room and drops onto Vision’s lap. His arms wrap around Wanda easily, and Bucky frowns, jealous of the effortlessness of their relationship. Wanda waves around a piece of paper and smirks at Bucky.

“What is that?” Vision asks her, curious to understand his girlfriend’s excitement. “Take a guess,” is all she says in response, still overly enthusiastic. The others turn to look at her, but no one guesses. “Just tell us already,” Steve says impatiently.

“I got her number,” she sings, “or really, our sergeant did.” “What?” Bucky asks, not fully understanding. “Her number, you idiot, her phone number,” Sam says, standing to grab the paper from Wanda.

Steve pulls Sam back down onto the couch and takes the paper from Wanda himself. Handing it over to Bucky, he congratulates him with a pat on the back. Staring down at the numbers on the scrap of paper, Bucky finds himself unsure of what he should do. She wanted him to have this, but would it be in her best interest if he did?

“Seriously grandpa, you do know what a phone number is, right?” Natasha teases. Bucky ignores her, still upset about the incident earlier. He understands what Natasha did, probably would have done the same thing himself, but he could still be upset with her for messing up his date. If it even was a date, he wonders to himself, unsure how to define the relationship he had with this new girl.

“Hang on,” he finally says to the group. Turning to Wanda he continues, “you didn’t mind trick or manipulate her or something to get this, did you?  Did you steal her phone number out from her mind and write it down yourself?”

Laughing at this, Wanda explains, “of course not, I may have said a few things to convince her, but it was all the truth and there was no mind reading involved.” Bucky doesn’t know whether to believe her or not. Wanda had been one of the first people he had opened up to, and although he trusted her intentions, he didn’t always agree with her methods.

“Trust me, I didn’t have to read her mind to tell that she was into you,” Wanda says in a much more serious tone. “Some things are just obvious to a woman.” “It’s true,” Natasha adds with a smirk, “she definitely has a crush. She trusts you too, not sure why, but she does.” Thinking it over for a moment, Bucky pulls out his phone and carefully types in her number.

“You can’t text her yet,” Sam says to him, eyes still glued to the TV. “You gotta wait a few days, play the game with her.” “Play the game?” Natasha scoffs, shaking her head at Sam. “Women like the chase,” Sam says knowingly, “you gotta keep it interesting, keep her on her toes, have her waiting for you to call.” “I think it’s already been plenty interesting,” Vision comments sagely.

Wanda nods, “you should definitely text her soon, let her know that you got her number.” “Whatever,” Sam concedes, “just give it a few hours.” “Hours?!?” Wanda says, unimpressed with Sam’s compromise, “just do it right now, Bucky.”

After twenty minutes of debating back and forth with his teammates about whether enough time has passed, he decides to text her. “Hi, it’s Bucky. Wanda gave me your phone number. I hope you got home safe, I’m sorry about what happened.” Hoping that he sounds casual but also cool, he sends the message. The rest of the team crowds around his phone trying to see what he wrote.

Wanda, not playing any games, grabs it and reads it out loud. “Too long, man, way too long,” Sam says shaking his head. However, Y/N doesn’t seem to find a fault in it, because Bucky’s phone buzzes just seconds later. Wanda again reads out loud, “Don’t worry about it, I had a great time. I’m actually still in the car, traffic’s crazy right now.”

Bucky groans, “I should’ve waited longer, she’s not even home yet. Now she’ll think I’m just desperate.” “I don’t think so,” Wanda says rereading part of the message, “she said she had a great time, and I already told you, I know she likes you.” Bucky mulls over this, she likes him, she actually likes him?

Sam wakes him up from his reverie, “so what should he say, something like ‘traffic may be crazy, but not as crazy as I am for you’?” Everyone groans at the horribleness of his idea, but Sam doesn’t seem to care as he grins broadly and reaches for the phone. Luckily, Steve grabs it and tosses it back to Bucky.

“He can figure it out himself, Bucky can charm a lady just fine on his own.” Giving Steve a nod in thanks, Bucky leaves to come up with his own response, the rest of the team now arguing on what to eat for dinner.

Later that evening with Bucky already in bed, a knock is heard at the door. Bucky calls out to tell them to come in, and Steve enters and sits on Bucky’s bed. Climbing out from under the covers Bucky joins his oldest friend at the edge of his bed. “So, how’s it going pal?” Steve asks, clearly curious about Bucky’s new girl.

“It’s going pretty good I think,” Bucky answers handing his phone to Steve so he can see for himself. Steve slowly reads through the messages, laughing softly to himself every once in a while.

“Time and technology sure have changed, but some things don’t,” Steve says handing Bucky his phone back. Bucky grimaces and softly sighs, not wanting another reminder of how different life has become for him since his youth, what he remembered of it anyway.

“Bucky Barnes, still a flirt,” Steve adds with a chuckle, not having noticed Bucky’s change in demeanor. Bucky sighs again, louder so Steve will pay attention to him instead of whatever else he had been reminiscing about.

“What’s wrong, Buck?” Steve asks. “It’s not the same at all Stevie. I’m a mess now, I got so scared talking to her today. She looked so good sitting there smiling at me, I just lost it. Ran away to go get drinks and well, you know the rest.” Steve starts to respond, but Bucky isn’t done talking.

“It was just so overwhelming being normal again. And yet it was all so abnormal. I couldn’t stand it, me sitting there pretending to be a good guy, like I wasn’t about to mess up her whole life.”

Steve wraps an arm around Bucky’s shoulder. “You are a good guy. And she sees it too, I know she does. And hopefully the more people we surround you with that see you for who you are, a good guy, the more you’ll believe it.” Bucky thinks over Steve’s words.

“Besides, whatever happens, happens. Okay pal?” Steve adds, suddenly worried about his friend and his attachment to Y/N. Bucky doesn’t like the sound of that at all. “But I really want this to happen, Steve. I really don’t want to mess this up. There’s something about her. I can't explain it, but there’s something special.”

Steve nods in agreement. “Just remember that whatever happens, happens. And that I’m with you.” “Yeah, yeah to the end of the line, I know,” Bucky finishes, feeling slightly exasperated. “I’m really happy for you. Now go get some sleep.” Steve says before leaving Bucky alone once more with his thoughts.

It takes Bucky a long time to fall asleep, but he still wakes early like every other morning. Annoyed with his inability to sleep past six, he lays in bed for another hour, checking his phone every fifteen minutes for a new message from Y/N.

Assuring himself that she’s probably just asleep, like a normal person on a Saturday morning, he starts to daydream. Wondering if she was dreaming right now and if she’d remember it when she wakes. Curious about what she likes to eat for breakfast or what she likes to do on the weekends. Basically, he wants terribly to know as much as he can about her.

Tired of lying in bed he gets up and heads out to work off some energy in the gym. Having hoped to be alone, he is disappointed to see Natasha already working out in one corner of the expansive gym. Picking a treadmill as far away from her as possible, he starts his run. Sure, he could run outside with Steve and Sam, but he doesn’t like the stares that are bound to happen whenever he steps outside with the famous Captain America.

People still have their fears surrounding the Winter Soldier and only time will heal those fears. It wouldn’t hurt to have the UN be a little more supportive either, but Tony was still working on negotiations for both Bucky and Wanda. Keeping a low profile was the best way to let the public heal. That was Pepper’s mantra to him these days, and she was probably right. Pepper always helped to sort out things for Tony in the past, and this couldn’t be too different, could it?

Slowing down to a walk, he finishes his run, surprised to see Natasha still in the gym. She’s no longer exercising, just sitting there on her phone, waiting. Not in the mood to talk, he decides to skip the rest of his cool down and head out quickly. Natasha of course isn’t fooled by his escape and is over by Bucky’s side before he can step off the machine.

“I just want to explain myself, Barnes,” she says calmly and points to an exercise bench. She sits, but Bucky continues to stand with his arms crossed, glaring at her. She sighs, “I know you’re still mad at me and I don’t blame you, just hear me out, okay?” Bucky doesn’t nod or move to signify he has heard her, but she continues anyway.

“I had just gotten back from Clint’s and it wasn’t a bad trip, just not exactly a good one either. Just had me thinking a lot about my own childhood after seeing those kids and how good they’ve got it.” Bucky nods once, softening slightly at the mention of Barton’s children.

“So, the whole flight home I was thinking about my childhood in the Red Room. There were so many of us you know, and we were so innocent and so young before.” She gestures her arms aimlessly, “before they turned us into murderers.” Bucky’s resolve is slipping away now.

“Anyway, there was this one girl, sweeter than the rest of us, even after we had been trained for some time. And well, she looked just like her, Y/N looked just like her. And suddenly I was back there in the past, and I just lost it.”

“I get that I really do,” Bucky tells her gently before pausing to reevaluate what she had said.  “But do you really expect me to believe that Y/N looks just like a murderous spy from your past?” Bucky argues, getting upset again now that he has been reminded of how Natasha had attacked Y/N. “Don’t underestimate her Barnes,” Natasha warns, “the best spies are the ones no one suspects.” Her voice drifts off and Bucky knows exactly what she’s thinking.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he says angrily, “don’t you even think about turning her into a spy. You’re gonna leave her alone, you hear me?” Natasha smiles, clearly still thinking about it. “You get those thoughts out of your mind, she’s not becoming a spy for SHIELD or for the Avengers or for the KGB or for anything else,” Bucky adds. “Alright, alright,” Natasha says, her eyes gleaming. “Go take a shower, Barnes. You stink.”

After Bucky has showered, he heads down to the kitchen to get something to eat. Wanda is still in her pajamas curled up next to Vision on the living room couch when he arrives. “Ugh, I am so sick of packing, aren’t you, Bucky?” she whines, nibbling on a piece of toast. Bruce enters the living room carrying a large stack of pancakes.

“How can you be complaining, Wanda?” he asks. “I have to pack the entire lab and everything there is fragile. Besides you’ve got Vision doing all the work for you.” Bruce sits on an armchair, stuffing his mouth with the pancakes.

Vision replies to defend his girlfriend. “I enjoy helping others, Dr. Banner. If you would like I could help you with the laboratory equipment, now that I’ve finished helping Wanda.” Bruce nods enthusiastically at this, unable to speak due to his mouth being very full. “Really, Bruce? Eat in the kitchen like everyone else,” Natasha says teasingly to the doctor, hair still wet from her own shower.

“Wanda’s eating here right now!” Bruce exclaims once he has swallowed. “Yes, but she doesn’t make a mess,” Steve responds having just emerged from the kitchen. “Last call for pancakes, there’s only a few left,” Steve tells Bucky. But after having seen Bruce eat so much, Bucky’s not feeling quite as hungry as before.

Bruce, now finished with his plate, starts a new complaint about how he hasn’t been able to work on any new projects due to all of the packing. “I'll be glad when we’re all settled,” Wanda says, still eating the same small piece of toast. Everyone nods in agreement. “Won’t you miss it though?” Bucky asks, looking around at the comfortable sight.

“No, it’ll be more or less the same at the Compound,” Natasha answers him. “More of the good with less of the bad,” Sam laughs. “No more hearing disgusting noises at night from Stark’s room, cause I will be far, far away!” “Yeah,” Steve agrees, “we won’t all be on top of each other anymore, more room to spread out.”

“Are you no longer looking forward to moving to the Compound, Sergeant Barnes?” Vision asks. “I thought you were excited, Buck?” Steve says, sounding worried. “Being around more nature and less people. Having more room to yourself.”

“It’s because of the girl,” Wanda explains, teasing Bucky. Before Bucky can explain or even consider if it is because of Y/N that his feelings on moving from the city have changed, they are all asking him questions. They all want to know what they've been texting each other about, and if they're going to meet up soon.

“Invite her over again,” Wanda begs once the rest of the team has quieted down. “Now that everyone knows who she is she doesn’t have to worry about one of us attacking her,” Sam says, looking at Natasha pointedly. Natasha rolls her eyes at Sam.

“I’ll think it over. I’m just trying to take things slow. We’ll probably hang out soon, but not here.” Bucky answers, unconfident that she will indeed be up for any of this. “No, invite her over here tomorrow!” Wanda pleads. Bucky shakes his head saying, “no, you’re all way too crazy.” The team erupts at this, promising that they’ll be on their best behavior and that they just want to get to know her, no harm in that.

Bucky shakes his head again about to speak when Wanda decides, “I’ll just invite her over myself. She gave me her number after all!” Horrified at this, Bucky turns to Wanda. “Don’t you dare, you’ll ruin it all and then I’ll never let you see her again.”

“Fine,” Wanda mutters, “but you had better take her out some time soon, so that she’ll be back here again soon.” The rest of the room murmurs in agreement and Bucky is forced to admit defeat. Annoyed with how pushy his teammates can be, he heads into the kitchen, suddenly starving for breakfast.


	6. Chapter 6

Your phone buzzes and you dive across your bed to grab it and see if it’s Bucky. The two of you have been texting on and off for a week and although things have been moving slowly, your feelings haven’t seemed to get the memo. Unfortunately, the notification is just an email, and you are annoyed both at the fact that Bucky hasn’t texted you back and that you are so desperate to hear from him.

Distracted and unable to focus on the novel you were reading, you choose to scroll through the texts between you and Bucky. There aren’t many, you aren’t much of a texter and you can’t imagine Bucky being one either, and besides, you are both very busy people.

You have plenty to do at work and ever since you started your job search, you’ve been updating your resume and scrounging the internet for open positions. Bucky had seemed interested in hanging out again though. He’s asked about your work schedule twice now, but things just haven’t lined up.

You have an interview tomorrow, Friday morning, with a new corporation, and normally you’d be nervous about that, but instead you’re distracted with thoughts of Bucky. Frustrated with yourself, you put your phone back down telling yourself that you will not look at it again until you finish this chapter, even if it buzzes.

Your resolve lessens once your phone buzzes again. Telling yourself it’s nothing important, you return to your book. Rereading the same sentence for the third time, you can’t handle it; you have to check your phone. Setting yourself up for disappointment you convince yourself that it’s going to be a wrong number or maybe a reminder from your dentist.

You flip your phone over. Sure enough, it’s Bucky. You squeal with delight, too excited and nervous to care about how ridiculous you know you sound. “Haha that’s a great idea. I’ll have to tell Steve,” the text reads. Sighing a little that it’s not more interesting, you start to write a response.

Before you finish your witty and clever response, three little dots show up; he’s typing again. “So, it turns out I’m free tomorrow night, would you want to have dinner with me?” the message says. Mouth falling open you start erasing your unwitty and unclever response to type up, “That would be great! What time?”

The two of you decide on a time and location before Bucky admits that he has to go and can’t text right now, although he wants to keep talking to you. You haven’t stopped smiling in the past ten minutes and you are certain you won’t be able to stop all night, now that you’ve read that. You tell him you understand and wish him a good night. Still grinning, you put away your novel and get ready for bed, the interview completely forgotten.

Friday night arrives after a long rough day. You had slept great the night before, imagination turning into dreams as you fell asleep, but the morning had been a disaster. You had arrived at work on time and in a great mood. That was all crushed when Jane had walked into your office confused. “What are you doing here, don’t you have a ‘doctor’s appointment’?” she had asked, putting air quotes around doctor’s appointment.

You then had to dash to your interview, and although you weren’t late, you had felt very frazzled. Unprepared, you had made a poor impression that not even your resume could improve. You had left the interview feeling like an idiot just to return to your job that you hated.

Telling yourself that everything would be great in just an hour, you hop in the shower to get ready for your night with Bucky. Your phone rings and you check to see if it’s Bucky, but it’s just an unknown caller. Ignoring it you return to the mirror. Your phone rings again, unknown caller. Weirded out you flip your phone over, not wanting anything to ruin your night. Finishing your makeup, you check your phone to see if Bucky has texted you at all. Surprised, you see that the unknown caller has left a voicemail. Curious, you listen to it.

“Hey it’s Bucky. I am so, so, so sorry,” the voicemail says, your smile disappearing from your face. “I can’t tell you what happened, but something came up and I didn’t have a choice. I have to get on the quinjet soon, so I won't be able to call you again for a while. I am so sorry, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. I have to go now. Bye.”

Tears threatening to fall from your eyes, you quickly call the number back, but there is no answer. You call twice more before giving up. The tears have fallen now, ruining your makeup, but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway. You text Bucky at his normal phone number, telling him that you understand and to let you know when he’s home safe.

Crawling back into bed in your pajamas after yet another shower, you tell yourself to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You had had a rough day, but you were safe in bed while Bucky was off fighting bad guys or aliens or who knows what. Suddenly afraid for Bucky, you send another text, “please be safe.” Holding your phone tight to your chest you fall into a restless and uneasy sleep.

Waking early Saturday morning you find that your grip on your phone has weakened overnight and your phone is nowhere to be seen. After removing the covers and remaking your bed, you find your phone on the floor. There’s a voicemail from Bucky as well as a few texts and you read them voraciously.

He sent one a few hours after you had fallen asleep saying that he would be careful. Another a few hours after that, saying that everyone was fine, and they were on their way back. The voicemail said more or less of the same, but you were still worried about him.

Deciding to forego responding the texts, you call him back. His voice sounds sleepy as he answers with a muffled, “hello?” “Hi, its Y/N, just wanted to hear from you I guess, make sure you're alright. I didn’t mean to wake you though, I’m sorry,” you ramble, realizing that you probably sound insane.

“No,” he says pausing for a yawn, “It’s fine, I’m glad you called. I’m still on the quinjet, but we’ll be back in,” he yawns again, “a few hours.” “Great,” you squeak out, regretting calling him.

“Would you want to come over later today to hang out?” Bucky asks. “Today?” you manage to say. “Or do you already have plans?” Bucky asks. “No, no plans. I could hang out today.” “Great,” he responds with yet another yawn, “well I’m gonna try to get some more sleep, but I’ll be by in a car at two?”

“Sounds great, see you then,” you respond. After saying your goodbyes and hanging up, you begin to pace your room, nervous again. What did hanging out mean? Would you be with the team or just the two of you? What would you be doing? What did the Avengers do in their free time? What would you say? What would you wear?

Realizing that it’s not even ten in the morning, you decide to worry about all of this later and pour yourself a bowl of cereal. You putter around the kitchen for a few hours, mindlessly cleaning while your roommates sleep in. At noon you make a sandwich and the nerves start back up. Your roommates are curious to know what’s up with you, but you give vague answers and head to your room to pace in peace.

After much deliberation you have dressed in what you hope is an appropriate outfit for hanging out.  Changing into a pair of old jeans that make your butt look good and a simple t-shirt, you check your phone to see if Bucky has texted. No messages from him, you decide to read your book until he arrives.

The closer it gets to two, the less information your brain retains. Ten minutes until two, your phone rings and you jump to answer it. It’s Bucky calling to say that it’s a bit early, but he’s already outside and ready whenever you are. You rush to put on your shoes, grab your coat and you’re out the door. Bucky is parked illegally in the street, standing outside of a very fancy looking black car. He looks so good that it should be illegal, you think as you walk over to him smiling.

“We could have just walked you know,” you say to him once you have settled into the car. “Well, I thought it looked like rain, besides it’s a pretty long walk to the Compound from here,” he says with a smile. “The Compound?” you ask, nerves increasing.

“Oh, did I not tell you?” he asks, surprised. “I’m sorry. I could’ve sworn I mentioned it when I called.” You shake your head but add, “it’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“If you want to go to the Tower, we could do that instead,” Bucky offers sounding worried. “No, no the Compound’s perfect, I can’t wait to see your new place.” “Alright to the Compound we go,” Bucky says, turning onto the highway.

As Bucky drives, you listen to a strange variety of music. Things you would have never thought a man who fought in World War II would be interested in. When you mention this, Bucky explains that Steve is adamant that he and Bucky understand all of history, which includes things like music.

Looking through Steve’s playlist on Bucky’s phone, you line up a few songs you recognize to sing along to. Soon you and Bucky are both singing, laughing, and thoroughly enjoying yourselves.

Pulling up to the Compound after going through a series of gates and codes, you are shocked by the beauty of it. Despite it being a cloudy and gloomy October afternoon, the land is wonderful. Nature surrounds the massive collection of buildings and you even spot deer among the trees. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Bucky says, admiring the Compound as he drives to park in the garage next to a dozen other expensive looking cars.

He’s a complete gentleman as he opens your car door for you, giving you a hand as you step outside. He guides you through a maze of hallways pointing out rooms every once in a while, with comments such as, “I think that’ll be Happy’s new office,” or “soon a hundred people will be in there typing away at who knows what.” Bucky is excited, almost like a little kid, and it excites you in return.

After entering a new area with new passcodes and a fingerprint scanner you are greeted by everyone. Or just about everyone it seems. Wanda bounds over to you, dragging Vision with her and gives you a quick hug before collapsing back down on a couch. Natasha, Sam and Steve call out and wave from another couch. And is that Dr. Bruce Banner with Tony Stark?

You’re in awe of the people in front of you, so much so that you fail to see a box on the floor in front of you. You trip, like an idiot, in front of the Avengers. Or at least you half trip, since Bucky catches you before you hit the floor. Either way, everyone is definitely staring at you now and you can feel your face go red.

Tony Stark dressed in a sophisticated suit strolls up to you. “So, you are the girl that has our Winter Soldier going soft.” You don’t know how you’re supposed to respond to that so you just nod, too nervous to speak. “Tony, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Tony.” Bucky introduces you calmly, his arm still around your waist from stopping your fall.

“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Stark,” you manage to say politely. “And Y/N, this is Dr. Banner. Doctor, Y/N,” Bucky says introducing you once more. “Please call me Bruce,” the doctor says with a friendly smile.

“Well I’m off to actually get some work done,” Stark announces, turning to leave the room, “you coming with, Greenie?” Bruce follows him, but not before turning to Natasha. Tossing her a set of keys, he tells her, “Tony and I finished setting up the sim, should be more fun this time around.” The two scientists leave, discussing replication of some sort of particle with each other.

Natasha is on her feet, pulling Sam up with her. “You guys all coming?” she asks the group. Bucky looks at you and you shrug, unsure of what is happening and whether you want to participate in it or not. Steve joins her and Sam, but Wanda claims she’s too comfy on the couch and Vision stays as well. The trio leave and Bucky, taking your hand in his, follows them.

You follow Natasha through another maze of hallways, these ones more decorated than the others you’ve seen, not that you manage to get a good look at any of the photos or really anything else. Hoping that you won’t be expected to find your way back alone, you arrive in a large and mostly empty room. Inside is a few lockers and a strange looking machine that you have never seen before.

Noticing the confusion on your face, Bucky explains, “it’s a driving simulator, we use it to train sometimes. But mostly Nat uses it to mess with us. Put us in crazy situations that she knows will never happen.”

“Never say never, Barnes,” Natasha replies with a laugh. Oddly enough, Natasha isn’t interested in taking a turn. “She likes to boss people around if you haven’t noticed,” Sam informs you. “I’m training you to be better and smarter,” Natasha explains. “Look at Wanda, she was a terrible driver at first and now.” Sam interrupts her, “and now she’s a horrible driver.” Natasha glares at this comment but Sam doesn’t seem to care.

Natasha offers Steve the keys to the simulator, but he refuses, muttering something about how they’re much better in Wakanda. Unsure of what the hell he’s talking about, you turn your focus back to the machine. Sure, maybe it looks kind of like a car if you think about it, it does have a steering wheel after all.

“Y/N!” Natasha shouts, apparently Sam had also refused to be put to the test, “can you drive?” “Yeah, I have my license, but I don’t think I’m qualified for this,” you say, trying to get out of doing what you still didn’t fully understand. Natasha doesn’t seem to care; she tosses you the keys and gives an expectant nod. You nervously climb into the simulator waiting for further instruction.

“Is this a good idea?” Bucky asks, sounding worried again. “Fine,” Natasha says smirking, “you can join her, sit in the passenger seat, Barnes.” Sighing, Bucky follows her orders and joins you in the strange machine.

Once he’s buckled in, you start the machine just like you would a car and just unlike a car the machine starts to spin. Before you can get dizzy from the spinning room, the place where the windshield and windows would be become like screens, taking on the appearance of a typical road.

You feel the machine stop spinning and you grab the steering wheel and nervously test out the pedals. As you step on the gas the landscape moves around you and the machine moves as though you are speeding down a deserted road. You glance over at Bucky in shock at the technology. He’s unimpressed, but still looks a tad bit nervous.

“Alright, we’ll start slow so you can get the hang of it.” Natasha calls out. She’s only been probably a few feet away from you this whole time, but you had completely forgotten about her and the others, the view from inside convincing you that you were somewhere far away. “You ready?” Bucky asks you. You give a brave nod and announce to everyone, “ready as I’ll ever be!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took me so long to upload! My life has been really hectic lately and I haven’t been very motivated to write. Please let me know if you see any grammar errors because I’m sure there’s a bunch. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Bucky grips his legs nervously, glancing at Y/N as she drives along a busy road. It’s not real, just a simulation, he reminds himself, as Y/N swerves to avoid a car that pulls out in front of her abruptly.

“Excellent!” Natasha calls out to her, “I’m gonna keep making it trickier so pay attention!” Bucky is feeling horribly nervous, even though neither of you are in any real danger. He fears that Natasha will push her too hard, or that something crazy will happen and he’ll end up fighting with Natasha again.

He desperately wants her to have a good time with him. And although he’s certain that she wasn’t expecting any of this, she does seem to be having fun, Bucky judges from her expression. She’s concentrating on the road and doing what is a really good job. She hasn’t crashed yet, and although Natasha is upset that Y/N doesn’t follow her directions perfectly, he for one is proud.

“Turn right!” Natasha hollers, trying to force Y/N into making split second decisions, which she clearly doesn’t like. “Give me more of a warning!” Y/N yells back at Natasha, much to Bucky’s enjoyment. Bucky reminds Natasha, “it’s her first time, take it easy Nat.” “Fine,” Natasha answers, “Barnes, you try giving her directions, if you think you’ll be better at it.”

Bucky sighs at this, knowing that as soon as he starts, Natasha will up the ante on the simulator and put them in a whole new level of risk. “You ready?” he asks Y/N. She glances away from the road briefly, “bring it on,” she replies with a laugh. Bucky grins and starts giving instructions. She improves with each narrow turn and does well, even when Natasha tries to trip them up with a police chase on one-way streets.

Once they’ve escaped the simulated police sirens, Bucky relaxes, figuring Natasha has had her fun. Telling Y/N to pull over to give the others a turn, shots are fired. He’s knows they’re not real from the sound alone, but Y/N doesn’t, and he can hear her panic in response. Her breathing is rushed and her heartbeat fast as she puts her hand to her shoulder to feel the wetness on her shirt. She pulls her hand away from her shoulder and looking at it, is confused. Her hand is green, not red with blood like she had expected.

“It’s just paintball,” Bucky explains carefully, hoping that she isn’t going to freak out. Instead she laughs, hysterical at the revelation.  “I could run a marathon right now, my adrenalin is through the roof,” she says with a huge grin on her face. “Too much?” Steve’s voice asks, sounding far away.

“Can we go again?” Y/N asks in return, still exhilarated by the incident. Bucky, who had been ready to get out of the simulator and kick ass, sighs in relief. She definitely is having fun, and watching her laugh, he realizes that he is too.

Natasha has Y/N run through a few more courses, complete with paintballs flying as she avoids the enemies. Natasha has taken over being in charge again, and Bucky is left to mostly watch from the passenger’s seat, sporadically calling out warnings about cars that surround them, or which turns to take to escape. Natasha has them doing crazy things, such as telling Y/N to get down for cover while Bucky takes the wheel, but she takes it all in stride, thoroughly enjoying the experience.

After a fantastic crash into what Bucky guesses to be a simulation of Lake Ontario, you both get out to give Sam and Steve a turn. They run through the sim a few times each and then finally Natasha takes a turn with Steve as passenger. Sam gives them the hardest trial yet, knowing that they’ve both already experienced similar moments in real life. Happy and covered in paint, the five of you rest on the floor of the room smiling at each other, all worn out.

“Whew,” Natasha lets out a breath, “I haven’t had that much fun in a car since the Winter Soldier himself attacked us, huh Rogers.” “What?” Y/N asks, confused about what Natasha had just said. She turns to Bucky, looking for an explanation. Bucky grimaces, annoyed that Natasha would bring something like this up.

“A while back when I was still being controlled by Hydra, I attacked these three on a highway.” He explains as calmly as he can. Gauging Y/N’s reaction, he continues, “it wasn’t much, they all got out alive, obviously.”

“Not much!?!” Sam responds in shock. “You threw a grown man into oncoming traffic, shot at us from on top of our car, got thrown off our car, jumped back on top of our car, and ripped the steering wheel out of my hands! And that was all before the real fight even began!”

Bucky sighs, shaking his head, feeling ashamed. They’ve been over all of this a million times before, but he still doesn’t like to be reminded, especially not in front of Y/N. “But you’re over it?” Y/N asks the others curiously, “I mean it wasn’t his fault, so you’ve forgiven him, right?” Steve grins at this and gives Bucky a look that clearly says, I told you so.

“Yeah, man. I just like bringing it up because that was the scariest moment of my life and now, I live with the guy.” Sam says grinning, “makes me sound tough, to have made amends with someone as badass as this guy.”

Y/N is laughing now, adding in, “he’s not always such a badass. When I met him, he looked like a lost little puppy dog, wandering around.” The others laugh at this new information. “Anyway,” Steve says, “we’re all over what happened in the past, he wouldn’t do any of it now that he has his own mind again, which is what really matters.”

“I don’t know,” Natasha says teasing, “sometimes I bet Barnes would love to shoot me again.” “Again?” Y/N says in shock. “He’s done it twice now,” Natasha says showing the scars on her stomach and shoulder, “doubt he’ll get a hat trick though.”

“Wow,” Y/N says turning to look at Bucky, “you must be some shot, if you got Black Widow twice.” Bucky laughs at this and shakes his head at them all, cheered up that Y/N doesn’t seem to be bothered by his past. “Well, he’s never gotten me,” Sam says with a smirk, “and I think that clearly shows who is superior on the battlefield.”

Laughing, you all stand up to head out of the simulator room. Bucky pulls Y/N up to her feet and as he does so, he notices a bruise forming on her arm where she had already wiped the paint away. Shocked, he pulls her closer to take a look at the mark.

“Don’t worry, Bucky,” she says in response, “I bruise easy, they don’t hurt too bad.” Unhappy about this, Bucky carefully guides her out of the room and leads her back to the elevator, feeling very protective as well as upset that he hadn’t noticed it earlier.

In the mirrors of the elevator they can all see how much of a mess they’ve made. Paint covered and happy, Bucky can’t help but stare at Y/N as she tries to wipe paint out of her hair. Natasha catches him staring and starts to laugh. Thankfully Steve steers the conversation away from explaining Natasha’s outburst by telling Y/N that she’s staying for dinner once they’ve all cleaned up. She doesn’t argue, whether it’s because she’s worn out and tired or because she just wants to stay, Bucky doesn’t know.

Exiting the elevator, the others go to their own quarters to shower before food, leaving Bucky alone with Y/N. He nervously leads her to his own place in the Compound, worried about what she will think of it.

“It’s not much,” he explains once they’ve entered. “I haven’t unpacked much yet either.” It’s an unnecessary explanation due to the numerous boxes that cover the floor, but he doesn’t want her to think that he’s normally like this either. He shows her the small kitchen and living area, then through a door to the bedroom. She doesn’t seem to mind the mess, and instead heads to a large window in an alcove with a seat.

“You have a great view of the land,” she says, engrossed by the sight. It is indeed a beautiful view; he thinks as he looks at her watching a flock of birds fly across the lake. “Here,” he says opening a drawer and grabbing a t-shirt and his smallest sweatpants, a pair he had shrunk in the wash the first time he had done laundry.

“They’ll be too big, but it’s the best I can do for you.” “Thank you,” she says smiling and taking the clothes. He awkwardly moves to open the door to the bathroom. “And here’s the bathroom,” he adds needlessly.

“Wow!” she says, impressed. “Just look at your bathtub, it’s like a hotel in here.” Bucky smiles at that and explains simply, “well, Stark designed it.” She spins around taking in the view of the spacious bathroom. “So, uh you can shower or even take a bath if you’d prefer. Get the paint out of your hair and, uh I’ll be out here. Let me know if you need anything.” She thanks him again and closes the door.

Once he hears the shower start up, he sighs, sitting on the floor. Let me know if you need anything, he was always sounding like an idiot. Wiping off more paint with a towel, he decides to work on unpacking while she showers.

Proud that he has managed to put away almost all of his clothes, he has almost forgotten about Y/N in his bathroom, until the door opens, and he is acutely aware of everything once more. “All done,” she says simply, still drying her hair with his towel. “Thank you,” she adds, and Bucky quickly turns back to the pile of hangers, realizing that he had been staring.

“You’re welcome,” he manages to say, “this wasn’t what I had planned, but I hope you still had a good time.” She laughs at this and says, moving closer to him, “well you’ve made up for your last-minute cancellation, but maybe fourth times the charm?”

Realizing that she is flirting, he brightens and nods. Then remembering the conversation with Steve on the flight home from the mission, his smile fades. “Actually, I don’t think we’ll be able to go out next weekend like how we had planned. I talked to the team, and they think that it’s too dangerous for you to be seen out with me.”

Her smile fades, and he explains quickly, not wanting to hurt her feelings. “It’s not that I’m embarrassed of you or anything like that. I want to go out with you, let anyone see, it’s just that I don’t want you to be in danger either.”

“Danger?” she asks, confused. “But we’ve already been out together walking around, and I wasn’t in danger then.” “No,” Bucky agrees, trying to explain, “it’s just that it would be different if I took to you a restaurant like we had planned before. Someone could take pictures, and then it could end up in the news, and then you could end up being a target.” “A target?” she asks, still confused.

“They could hold you hostage, use you to get to me or to the team, that sort of thing.” He explains as he watches her face fall. “But this way you don’t have to worry about any of that, you’ll be safe and everything.” He promises, but her face is still sad. “It’s not that, that I’m worried about,” she says sadly, “I was just really looking forward to going out with you and now we’ll never get to.”

“Well, we can still have dinner,” he decides, not wanting her to be so upset. “Sometime soon I’ll take you out and we’ll have a real dinner out, but for now we can have a dinner here.” Her face gives him a weak smile, but he knows he can do better than that. “At the Tower,” he says thinking quickly, “next Saturday at the Tower we’ll have dinner. I can't cook much, but I’ll get Wanda to help or I’ll cater or something. Everyone will be moved into the Compound by then, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

At this she gives a real smile and nods her head. “Alright, but if you cancel last minute again, I might just think you're pulling my leg, Barnes.” “Barnes?” he fake groans, “don’t tell me you’re turning into Natasha.” They laugh and she leans into him, her arms wrapping around him in a hug. “I’m really happy right now,” she whispers. Not sure if he was supposed to hear that or not, he doesn’t know what to say.

She pulls back to look at him, her wet hair dripping onto his shirt that she’s wearing. He moves a strand out of her face and tucks it behind her ear. It’s natural, as if he’s done it a hundred times before. Then she’s leaning in, her eyes closing and he’s leaning in and his eyes close and knock knock knock.

She jumps away from Bucky startled by the noise. Embarrassed, she rushes out of the bedroom to the front door and opens it to see Natasha. Bucky is still frozen in place, his brain unable to comprehend that his lips were centimeters from hers just seconds ago.

Natasha and Y/N come back into his bedroom. Natasha makes a joke or at least Bucky assumes she does, because he’s hearing Y/N’s laugh and Natasha is smirking again. “Go take a cold shower, Barnes you look like you need it,” Natasha calls out to him, “I’ll take Y/N downstairs to the others.”

He nods and Y/N gives a wave in goodbye before following Natasha out of his bedroom. Bucky shuts the door and quickly undresses.  He gets into the shower, desperately trying to not think about how Y/N was here, in his shower, naked just minutes before.


	8. Chapter 8

Natasha leads you out of Bucky’s bedroom and into his living area. Taking the towel out of your hands and tossing it out the couch so “Barnes can deal with that later,” Natasha takes you back into the hallway. “So,” Natasha asks, “is that arm gentle enough or should I get Stark to add more sensitivity receptors?”

Shocked at her insinuations, your mouth falls open; you don’t know how to respond. Thankfully Natasha just laughs, “don’t worry, I’m messing with you. I know Barnes is an old-fashioned guy, emphasis on the old.” At that you give an uncomfortable laugh, hoping that Bucky will hurry up or that you’ll be with the others soon.

The time in the simulation had warmed you up to Natasha but being alone with her in an empty hallway only reminded you of how you had met. Her hand clamping down on your throat, her knees digging into your back. The memory flashing through your mind, your hand reaches up to your neck, as if to make sure that no one is in fact trying to choke you. Natasha, fully aware of your emotions, had assumed that you had been uncomfortable due to her suggestive comments, but seeing your subconscious reactions, feels guilty.

“I really am sorry about what happened that night,” she says as you wait for the elevator. You, finally noticing the odd placement of your hand, realize what Natasha is referring to. Before you can tell her that it’s fine, that you’ve forgiven her, just as she, Sam, and Steve have forgiven Bucky, she continues talking.

She talks how you would assume to be a rare occurrence for the master assassin, rambling on about her past in the Red Room. It’s a bit bizarre seeing and hearing her like this, but in the end, you wonder why she doesn’t display this side of herself more often. Her emotional side is wildly effective, you find that you have not only forgiven her for her brutality but have found compassion for her.

This display of emotion seems to have worn Natasha out, so once you have told her that you have completely forgiven her and understand the reasoning of her actions, you fall into silence. Silence that is quickly ended once the elevator doors open and you arrive in the large living room from earlier. Wanda, Steve, Sam, Bruce, and Vision are there all loudly talking and laughing. “Y/N, come sit,” Wanda calls out, pulling the chair beside her out for you. You sit and watch the group as they continue their noisy conversations.

Soon talk calms down, and the team notices your presence and Bucky’s absence. Natasha explains that he’s cleaning up still and Bruce mentions that Stark is out with Pepper and won’t be back for dinner. Talk turns to food and everyone has opinions. “We just had Thai two days ago!” “No one wants sandwiches for dinner, we want a real meal!” After much yelling they compromise on pizza, and order so much it’s guaranteed to cost a fortune.

“Now that food is sorted, who wants drinks?” Natasha asks the group, a bottle of vodka already in her hand. “Maybe after we eat,” Steve persuades, and she pours just the one glass for herself. “Can you get drunk though?” you ask the Captain curiously, “I read online that your body metabolizes it too quickly.”

“It’s true,” Bucky says, entering the room his hair still damp. Captivated by how good he looks in sweatpants and a t-shirt that leaves his metal arm on display, you forget how to speak. “Yep,” Steve says smiling, your attention turning back to him, “that guy too. We can’t get drunk on alcohol from here, but thanks to our pal, Thor, we have other ways.”

Faster than you would have thought possible the pizza arrives and conversation stops as everyone eats ravenously. Bellies full, the team moves to the couch, leaving the dishes for later. Bucky takes your hand and you follow the Avengers’ after dinner routine.

Bruce talks about his newest developments in technology with Vision while Wanda fakes dozing off to amuse you. Once that conversation has ended, with sighs of relief from most of the team, Sam begins a lively tale of his best route in the simulator. This leads to more stories of narrow escapes both in real life and in training.

“So, what did you think of it all, Y/N?” Bruce asks you. Suddenly nervous again with all eyes on you, you forget how to explain the thrill you felt of being behind the wheel. Bucky steps in for you, “she was great at it.”

“A real natural,” Natasha adds standing up. She moves back to the bar and brings back the vodka with a few shot glasses. “We have to celebrate!” she explains when Steve gives her a look. “We have discovered a talented new candidate!”

“Not this again,” Bucky sighs. You turn to him beside you, wanting an explanation. “I should have told you before, but Natasha here thinks you should become a spy,” he says sarcastically. At this new information you laugh, but you can't help but feel both intrigued and confused at the idea.

A spy? Natasha, the best spy you knew, thought you’d be good at the same things she was good at? It was ridiculous, but something about it definitely excited you. “Anyway,” Natasha replies handing you a shot, “drink up!”

One shot turns into two, which turns into a mixed drink, which turns into a very tipsy, drunk you. The rest of the team isn’t too far behind you though, everybody including Bucky visibly loosening up as the drinks flow. Bucky’s arm has traveled from by his side to around your shoulder and although you’re unsure of when or how it happened, you know you like it. The team asks you about yourself and you answer to the best of your ability, but it’s getting hard to concentrate, now that Sam’s refilled your drink yet again.

“So, what do you do for a living?” Bruce asks, the second least intoxicated of the group. “We all know already,” Wanda says giggling, “we looked up her, remember?” Vision, the least intoxicated, reminds his girlfriend, “Dr. Banner wasn’t there that night.”

Nodding enthusiastically, Wanda looks to you for your answer. “Right,” you say, trying to focus in order to not make a fool of yourself, “I’m in data analytics. I work for PLN right now, but I’ve been looking for something new.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” Bucky says, his hand moving to stroke your hair. Distracted by his touch, you stumble over your words. “Got um, an interview at, uhhh, Rutherford, but it was a complete disaster.” Telling how you were late and subsequently had the worst day of your life and then found out that Buck had bailed on you, sobered you slightly. “Well,” Steve said reasonably, “they’d be idiots not to hire you.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Sam says pouring another round of shots. Ignoring him Natasha says, “you should apply here.” The rest of team nods, even Dr. Banner and Vision. “If we all put in a good word for you Stark’ll have to hire you,” she adds jokingly. Too drunk to understand nuances of conversation, you argue. “No, no don’t do that!” “Why not?” Wanda says, suddenly turning somber, “don’t you want to work with us?”

“Yes,” you say, finding yourself on your feet, albeit quite wobbly. “It would be a dream to work here, but I can’t work here because of nepotism!” Bucky pulls you back down to sit beside him and soothes, “don’t worry, doll, it wouldn’t be because of nepotism.” “Who’s her nephew?” Sam asks, bewildered by what was happening. Shaking his head at his friend’s foolishness, Steve pulls the drink out of Sam’s hand, cutting him off for a while.

“Whatever, this is a problem for later, now we need to dance!” Natasha announces, turning the music up way too loud way too fast. Once everyone’s flight or fight response has been triggered, and Natasha has turned the music down a few notches, the dancing begins. Wanda is up on her feet quickly and pulls you up with her and before you can think of how to say, “no, I’m comfortable here with Bucky,” you too are lost in the music.

After an indiscernible amount of time has passed and you’ve taken two more shots, definitely a mistake, you’re ready to crash. And crash you do, right back down onto the couch and into Bucky’s lap. Too drunk to recognize anything other than the fact that you are happy and comfortable you lay against his warm chest. Soon bored with this, you turn sideways, still in his lap, so that you can see his face. Your hands dance along his metal arm, feeling the ridges beneath your fingers.

His other hand reaches out to gently touch your face, then tucks a piece of hair behind your ear. “You alright there, doll?” he asks you, his Brooklyn accent stronger than ever. You blush at his words, “doll” you say in response, grinning at him. Bucky opens his mouth to speak, but the words aren’t coming.

Then suddenly from behind you, “you’d better watch out, that man will steal your heart if you’re not careful,” Steve teases. You turn around in Bucky’s lap, and sure enough sitting there the whole time had been Captain America.

Turning red you start to get up out of Bucky’s lap, but as you stand you stumble on the too long sweatpants that you borrowed from Bucky. Bucky’s arms wrap back around you to catch you before you fall. You want so badly to sit back down with him, but you don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so you center yourself and walk away.

Wanting to sober up so that you don’t cross any more lines, you head to the kitchen to get a glass of water. All the glasses are up high in the cupboards, good for tall superheroes, but out of reach for you. Sighing, you climb up onto the counter to get a glass. Careful not to drop it, your focus is not on the footsteps that appear.

“What are you doing?” Bucky asks, scaring you so badly you almost drop the glass. “I’m so sorry,” you say, afraid that you’ve made him angry. You can tell that he’s upset. Normally his emotions are veiled, but with this Asgardian liquor he’s much easier to read. “I just wanted some water, I am so sorry, Bucky,” you repeat as he helps you down onto the floor. Taking the glass from you and filling it at the sink, he sits you at the kitchen table to talk.

“You should be more careful, you’re too drunk to be climbing on things and using glass.” You drink and stare at him wordlessly, concentrating on the way his mouth moved rather than the words he said. He sighs again, but before you can feel too bad about it, he perks back up.

“I love this song,” he says excitedly, dragging you with him back to the common area. Everyone else is gone, but you’re too drunk to notice anything other than Bucky and his arms around you as he spins you in a dance.

The two of you dance as he mumbles the words softly, half singing. You grin and lean into him, blissful but also feeling very, very sleepy. The song ends and despite no song taking its place, you continue to sway in the large room. Your body feels heavier and heavier, but Bucky’s body holds yours up as you slowly rock back and forth. You lean back slightly so you can properly watch Bucky’s face smile at you. Then you’re both leaning in again for a kiss, just like back in the bedroom and just like before, you're interrupted.

“Well what do we have here?” Tony Stark’s voice says loudly, causing you to trip over Bucky’s feet and almost face plant. Thankfully Bucky’s reflexes are still intact, and he catches you and hoists you back up to lean against him once more. Pepper is beside Tony and she’s grinning broadly, but you’re too far gone to understand why or what is happening. “I should take you home,” Bucky says, and you try your best to nod in agreement.

Somehow you end up in the backseat of a car with Bucky beside you. He gives you sips of water and crackers as you travel back to Manhattan. By the time you arrive outside your apartment, not only is Sunday’s sun rising, but you are feeling very tired and very hungover. All too aware of the fact that you’re still wearing the too large clothes of Bucky, and that you smell like a bar, you say goodbye to Bucky with a brief hug and a long thank you.

You haven’t slept in far too many hours, so you rush up the stairs to your apartment, eager to get into bed. Thankful that your roommates are still asleep and that all is quiet, you text Bucky another thank you. All comfortable in bed, still in his clothes you fall asleep, grateful for the man who had given you one of the best days of your life.


	9. Chapter 9

Saturday arrives like any other day, but from the moment his eyes open at 5:45 AM, Bucky knows it is not at all like any other day. His dinner with Y/N is today and he has lots to do. He’s already told everyone he can think of to stay away from the Tower tonight, not wanting a repeat of a Natasha situation (tackling) or a Tony situation (interrupting). The meal has been planned for days now, and he has gotten Wanda to promise to help him, but despite all the preparation he feels unprepared.

He’s still unsure if their dinner tonight is a date, having avoided that specific language when inviting her over in person and clarifying it over text. He wasn’t sure if she just liked hanging out with him because the team was there, or if she was actually interested in him. Sure, they had almost kissed twice now, but the first time was surely a fluke, and the second time they had both been so drunk, assuredly it would have been a mistake.

Deciding to follow a somewhat normal schedule, he heads to the gym. After a long strenuous workout and a few destroyed punching bags, he showers and heads to the kitchen. He looks over the groceries he had ordered online. The process was new to him, Dr. Banner teaching him how to check the delivery date and location and which credit card numbers went where, but he wanted everything to go perfectly. Everything is still there, the pasta, ingredients for the sauce, even strawberries that he knew she liked.

Wanda arrives as he looks over each individual strawberry, checking for mold. Her hair a mess and still in pajamas she laughs at him and his neurotic behavior. “Gonna taste them all to make sure they’re not poison?” she teases, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.

“You don’t think they could be poisoned, do you?” Bucky asks, suddenly afraid. “Of course not, silly,” Wanda reassures, “you didn’t say they were for Bucky Barnes, did you?”

“No,” Bucky admits, “Bruce told me to make up a name and have them sent to the offices. But,” he adds, thinking it over, “no one would order groceries to be sent to their office.” “It’ll be fine,” Wanda says kindly, “don’t overthink it.” Sighing he retreats to his room, deciding to do some research before cooking with possibly contaminated foods.

Hours later, now convinced through various Wikipedia articles that there it is unlikely that the food is damaged, he heads back to the kitchen ready to cook. Wanda is there, making cookies with Vision and he is immediately irked. “You promised!” he says, feeling betrayed. “Calm down. It’s just pasta, Bucky,” Wanda says. “I’ll be done with this in a minute and then you can bring some with you as well.” Soothed by the promise of Wanda’s cookies at dinner, he washes his hands, ready to begin.

Once the meal is cooked and airlifted to the Tower, courtesy of Stark, Bucky quickly gets dressed, nerves increasing exponentially. Soon he’ll be on a date, a real-life date with a real-life girl, and he can’t believe it. Steve wishes him good luck as he gets on the quinjet, the fastest way to get to Manhattan on a Saturday night. Once in the Tower, seeing that everything is still set up and perfect he paces nervously.

He had offered multiple times to pick her up at her place, but she had refused, saying that he was doing all of the work by cooking the meal and hosting. In the end they had compromised with a car coming to pick her up, so that Bucky could stay at the Tower to figure out any last-minute details. These last-minute details mostly ended up being Bucky nervously adjusting his tie in the mirror and fiddling with the bouquet of flowers he had bought for her.

His phone buzzes, the driver informing him that they will be arriving shortly. He takes in one last deep breath and heads down to the main floor to let her in. Opening the car door for her, he is shocked by her beauty. No, not shocked, he was expecting her to look beautiful, but he is certainly mesmerized by her beauty as she steps out of the car.

A little shaky in high heels, she gives him a hug and compliments him, “you look great, Bucky!” He grins at this and manages a compliment in return, “no, you, you look like a dream.” She’s pleased by this and seeing the flowers she takes them and breathes in their scent.

“Oh, I love flowers,” she says looking at the colorful bouquet. “Yellow ones are my favorite,” she adds, selecting a sunflower and putting in in the buttonhole of his suit jacket, “they’re just so happy.” She smiles broadly at him, “these are beautiful, Bucky. Thank you.” Excited at how well his night is starting, he leads her inside and upstairs.

The main room, he had thought would be too big for just the two of them, but he is grateful for Wanda’s insistence now as he watches Y/N’s reaction to the set up. The large room, still mostly bare, is lighted softly by candles and the sun setting beautifully in the sky. He guides her to her seat and places the flowers in a vase in the center of the table. Informing her that he’ll be back in a second with the food, he dashes off to the kitchen, his nerves starting back up again.

In the kitchen, he begins to panic, feeling unprepared for this dinner and not knowing what to do about it. Leaning over the sink, he takes deep breaths to calm himself down.  Before he has managed to steady his heartbeat, he hears bare feet on the floor, and she’s beside him, her arm wrapping around his slouched shoulders.

“Are you alright, Bucky?” she asks gently, softly rubbing circles onto his shoulder. He shakes his head; he still can’t calm down. “Just breathe okay?” she says, still caressing him, “in and out just like that.” She breathes with him patiently and finally he feels himself relax.

Embarrassed by his anxiety, he starts to apologize for his actions. She shakes her head, not needing an explanation, and giving his hand a squeeze, together they return to the living room with the food in their arms. Back at the table, she leads the conversation for a while, complimenting the food, talking, and eating happily. “I’m sorry,” he says once his voice has returned. “Don’t be,” she says easily, “anxiety happens to everyone.” He nods, “but I’m still sorry, I shouldn’t have freaked out there. I’m not sure why it happened.”

 She sets down her fork and looks up at him, “I’ve had pretty bad anxiety in the past, so I understand how you feel, but really it’s no big deal. My mom left us when I was young, too young for me to understand what had happened, but once I was old enough to understand, I started having some pretty bad anxiety attacks whenever something went wrong. I used to be afraid that my dad would leave me too.”

Bucky is shocked to hear this, unaware of her tragic past. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” he tells her. She just smiles and returns to her food. “If you don’t mind me asking,” he pauses, curious to know more about her life, “was it just you and your dad when you were growing up, or do you have siblings?” “No siblings,” she says, not offering up anything else, but smiling so that he knows he can ask more.

“So, you and your dad must be pretty close then?” “We were,” she says, her hand reaching up to nervously smooth her hair, “he actually passed away a few years ago, shortly after I moved here.”

“Oh,” is all he can say in response, her answer connecting the dots for him. “Is that why you’re still here in New York?” She’s confused at this and he backtracks to explain. “Sorry, it’s just that when I got your number Stark had your resume and stuff. You had said you were only going to live here for a year before going home.”

She frowns at this, then laughs a little. “I forgot about that,” she admits, “what a weird thing to put on a resume.” Another pause before she continues, “but, yes I was planning to move home after a year. I came to New York to escape from some things, but I never intended to leave for good. After my father died, it was a heart attack, all very sudden,” she pauses again to take a deep breath. Bucky reaches across the table to give her hand a squeeze.

She continues, “after his funeral I knew I couldn’t stay. It was just too painful so I packed up what I could, sold the rest, and moved out here for the unforeseeable future.” Squeezing her hand again he tells her about how he understands what it’s like to realize that things have changed and that there is no going back to the past.

His words must make sense to her because she smiles, and they begin to talk of happier things.  He tells her stories of his youth, ones that Steve has told him so many times it’s as if he remembers them for real now.

Finishing their dinner and now snacking on cookies, Bucky finds himself asking her about her childhood. “It was really great, what do you want to know?” she asks him. “Well you said your mom left, I don’t mean to pry, but I am curious.”

She nods in understanding and begins to explain how her mom had left when she was very young and that she had no memories of her. She tells how heartbroken her father had been and how he didn’t talk much about her mother. When she was around ten, kids at school started teasing her about it, so she begged her dad to tell her more. Her dad told her all that he knew but had no idea where her mom had gone.

“After a few months of searching, we found her. I visited her grave, she had died of a drug overdose. And that was that,” she ends unenthusiastically. “I am so sorry,” Bucky tells her, genuinely empathizing with her. “Do you have grandparents, or cousins or anything?” he asks hopefully. “Nope, just me,” she answers. “I don’t have any family left either,” he says softly.

Changing the conversation to something a little less somber, he asks her about how her job search is going. “Not well,” is her short response. “Well,” he offers, “the team really wasn’t kidding about offering you a position. I don’t want to seem pushy, but I can get Pepper to call you to set up an interview if you’d like.” “Wouldn’t that be weird?” she asks worriedly.

“I don’t think so,” he says smiling, “you’re qualified and all, and we’ve been hiring lots of new people since we moved upstate. Plus, Tony’s been beating himself for not hiring you the first time around.” She laughs at that and agrees that she wouldn’t mind talking to Pepper about a position.

Meal completely finished now; Bucky starts to clean up the table. Y/N immediately joins him saying that she has to the dishes since he cooked. Bucky, reminding her that he had a lot of help with the cooking, refuses her assistance. Ignoring his insistence to stay and relax, she joins him in the kitchen to wash the dishes. Together they wash and dry and put things away until there’s nothing left to do. Not wanting the date to be over Bucky pulls out his phone to turn on some music.

“Maybe we could continue that dance?” he asks, grinning. Blushing from the memory of the drunken night, she agrees and the two begin to sway in the large kitchen. His hands on her waist he breathes in the scent of her hair, closing his eyes wanting to remember this forever. A few songs later, she recognizes the old-fashioned tune and quietly sings along. Bucky joins her soft voice and now they’re looking into each other’s eyes.

This is the moment, surely this is it, he thinks as he leans in. But, of course, not even Bucky’s careful plans could account for everything. Happy Hogan, looking very tired and very confused, comes charging into the room a taser in his hand. “What is going on in here?” he asks angrily. Deeply annoyed, Bucky answers, voice snarky, “what do you think?” Giggling a bit at that, Y/N introduces herself politely.

Calming down slightly, Happy stares at them for a few moments before explaining. “I was at home, just trying to relax when I saw the living room lights on at the Tower. No one tells me anything, so I figured it was a break in. I came to investigate.”

Unimpressed by this explanation, Bucky asks him why he hadn’t called Stark, or checked with FRIDAY. Ignoring these comments, Happy informs them that he will be talking to Tony about this and that he needs a full background check on Y/N. Reminding them that security is a very important issue, he leaves them alone in the kitchen laughing.

The mood from before is gone, and it really is late, so they too head downstairs once the giggles have subsided. “Well I was very happy to meet him,” Y/N says with a giggle at her poor joke, “but I really thought third time would be the charm, don’t you?” Laughing at this, Bucky calls the driver to take her home. As they wait, they sit in the cool night air on the steps by the main entrance, watching the New Yorkers pass by.

The car arrives too quickly, and they stand to say goodbye. “I really am glad to have met you,” he tells her, taking her cold hands in his to warm them. “Me too,” she says and kisses him on the cheek before entering the car. “Good night, Bucky,” she calls out of the window as the car drives away. He waves goodbye in return, already planning their next date in his mind.

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay they finally got their date! But still no kiss :(  
> Hopefully this chapter didn't seem too rushed, but I did want to sort out some of her background history for the plot.  
> Thank you for reading!!!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there is vomiting in this chapter, nothing too graphic or descriptive, but just figured I’d say it in advance so that you don’t read this while eating or anything like that. Hope you enjoy!

Time passes and Friday rolls back around. You’ve been officially unemployed for only a few days now, but the pressure to find a new job was increasing. You had however, put in a lot more thought into working for the Avengers. After an extensive discussion with Bucky on how this job would not change how he views you; you had scheduled an interview.

November first had seemed a good a date as any for your interview, but it being the day after a Halloween party thrown by the one and only Tony Stark, made the day a struggle for many. As you wait in the lobby of the Avengers Compound you watch the hungover employees complain about not getting a long weekend.

Bucky had invited you to the Halloween party of course, but you had declined. It wasn’t like you to go to a party on a Thursday, even if it was Halloween. Add in the fact that you would be getting drunk with your potential boss the night before your interview, and it became highly unprofessional.

Perhaps you should have gone though. You hadn’t slept much the night before, worrying about the interview and how embarrassing it would be for you if they found you unqualified. Maybe a few drinks would have helped, after all networking was an important part of any career path.

Trying to ignore these conflicting thoughts about things you cannot change, you nervously look through your portfolio. All that it contains are your resume and a few letters of recommendation, but you flip through them rereading just in case of a grammatical error. Realizing that even if you find a spelling mistake or a forgotten comma you will be unable to do anything about it, you put it aside, nervously checking your watch.

It’s five minutes past your scheduled appointment time and you begin to wonder if you should talk to the front desk again to ask if your interview has been cancelled or if Pepper is just running late. Before you can make a decision, the secretary calls your name. “Miss Potts will meet with you now,” she informs simply. Another employee leads you to the elevator and escorts you to a higher floor. The employee leaves you outside of Pepper’s office, your anxiety levels skyrocketing.

You knock and a familiar voice tells you to come in. Pepper is lounging on her office chair, a beautiful view of the lake behind her. You nervously hand over your documents, but she just gestures for you to set them on her desk. You nervously sit, not sure if you should have introduced yourself or if you should just wait for questions. Pepper gives a cursory glance to the papers and stands.

“So, Y/N why do you want to work here?” You gulp, this is the big question after all. Without a proper answer you would never get hired, and the pressure of this knowledge is eating away at you. You clasp your hand tightly in your lap and respond, “I think I would be a good fit here at the Avengers Compound. I have all of the necessary qualifications and I think that my experience from PLN has prepared me for this opportunity.”

“Yes,” Pepper responds, looking at you curiously, “but why do you want to work here instead of any other place?” You pause, unsure how to phrase your desires to work here in a professional and understandable way. Pepper sits back down and gives you a kind smile. “Just be honest, tell me why this particular job should be yours.”

You nod understanding, but still anxious and unsure how to answer. Why do you want to work here? Is it because of Bucky, or because it’s what you’ve wanted since you moved to New York? Or maybe it’s not what you actually want at all?

“Well,” you begin, deciding to be as honest as possible, “I’m not entirely sure. I’ve wanted to work here for a long time, which you know from my previous application. But also, since I met Bucky, my perspective on life has changed. I’m not sure if I believe in fate,” you add, hoping you don’t sound too ridiculous, “but I do think that for some reason I am meant to be here right now. I think that this opportunity came at the perfect time, and maybe it is just a coincidence, but I am extremely grateful for the chance to work here.”

Blushing now and hoping desperately that you didn’t sound crazy or have made a fool of yourself, you watch Pepper’s reaction. Thankfully, she’s smiling and hands you a pen. You take it from her, slightly confused. “Well, I won't lie, this interview was really just a formality. If you wanted the job it’s yours, but I did want to make sure you wanted it.”

She hands over a packet of paperwork for you to fill out. She sees your shocked face and reassures, “just some basic information, we’ll do some more background checks, that sort of thing.” But you aren’t surprised at the paperwork for you to fill out, you are shocked that you had gotten the job automatically. Not pleased with this information you falter.

“Ms. Potts, I can’t take this position if I only got it because of who I know. That’s wrong!” She shakes her head vehemently. “I’ve seen your resume and some of your past work. I know you’ll fit in just fine here. Tony even said before that it was a shame that we didn’t hire you three years ago.”

After some more hesitation, you begin to fill out the forms. As you finish them, a knock is heard at the door and Pepper tells them to come in. A woman introduces herself as Stephanie from HR, who will be showing you where you will be working. “Am I starting today?” you nervously ask Pepper, still confused as to what was happening. “If you want to then yes, but we were just planning for you to get to know the environment a little better.”

Stephanie leads you out of Pepper’s office and to a new part of the facility you haven’t seen before. It’s a bit overwhelming with lots of handshaking and introductions to your new coworkers, but everyone seems pleasant enough. It’s a Friday afternoon and they all share their various plans for the weekend ahead. Having seen where you will be working, you head back to the lobby alone. You had assured Stephanie that you could find it on your own and to be entirely honest, her constant hovering had gotten obnoxious.

Ending up in an empty hallway where you could have sworn the elevator was a few hours ago, you realize that maybe you should have asked Stephanie to take you back downstairs. After a little more wandering you officially have no idea where you are and decide to leave your pride behind. You pull out your phone to call Stephanie to help you out, when a hand suddenly taps you on the shoulder. Unaware anyone was near you, you jolt, ready to attack.

To your surprise it’s Bucky with a bouquet of sunflowers. “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says with a smile. “Anyway, congratulations,” he adds, handing you the flowers.

Even more shocked by the present that his presence, you tell him, “thank you,” then quickly add, “what are you doing here? How’d you find me?” He informs, “I was planning to catch you earlier, but I must’ve just missed you. Figured you’d get lost, so I thought I’d be the one to come save you.”

Grinning at his teasing, you reply, “you certainly have saved me! It’s so dangerous here! I could trip on that rug and break my neck or maybe I’ll get a paper cut so bad I’ll just bleed out!” Laughing at this absurdity, Bucky replies sweetly, “I wouldn’t put it past you, doll.” Blushing a little at the nickname, you ask him, “so, how are you? Do you have work to do?”

Guiding you out of the hallway and into a completely different direction he answers, “I’m great actually. And no, I don’t work here. Not usually anyway. I just came to see you!” Unable to hide your joy from hearing his words you clutch your flowers to your chest. “Well you really shouldn’t have. I appreciate it and all, but I really doubt you give flowers to all the new employees.”

“Well you’re more than just an employee,” he says carefully, looking a tad bit confused. “You're,” he pauses, unsure how to finish his sentence, “you’re a friend.” You’re disappointed in his words, but they are true. You and Bucky really are just friends. You’ve had a somewhat fancy dinner alone together, but maybe that wasn’t a date, maybe he didn’t want more.

The rest of the walk to the elevator is silent and so is the ride down. A few people enter on various floors, which helps cut through the awkwardness, but not by much. Finally, on the main floor you exit the elevator and you prepare your goodbyes to Bucky. Still considering whether a hug goodbye would be appropriate or not (and even if it was inappropriate, would it be worth it just to get to hug him again), you feel his metal hand on your arm.

“Wait,” he says, leading you aside by taking your hand. He leads you into a small empty office to talk. “Would you like to stay for dinner? I kind of promised the team that you’d be there. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, just thought I’d ask.” He’s nervous, you can tell, but something just doesn’t feel right. “Do you want me to come, Bucky? Because if you don’t want me there then I don’t want to be there,” you tell him, wanting to be as honest as possible.

“Of course I want you to be there, Y/N!” he says quickly. “I mean,” he says a little quieter and a little shyer, “I, I really like you and I would really like you to come over again. The team really likes you and I really like you and well...” His voice trails off, his eyes desperately trying to read your emotions.

You nod, you want to go too, but you also don’t want to be led on. Not wanting to be too blunt, but not wanting to make him solve a riddle either you ask him, “what are we Bucky? Are we just friends or is this something more? I’m fine with either, but I just would really like to know.”

Bucky’s eyes are wide, yet his expression is still hard for you to read. He remains speechless so you continue, “it’s just that you said we’re friends ten minutes ago, but you also bring me my favorite flowers and text me all the time. And our night at the Tower? Was that a date or is that just something you do with lots of girls? What do you want?”

You hadn’t quite realized it before, but him calling you a friend had bothered you. You didn’t want to get your feelings hurt all because you thought an Avenger liked you when really, he was just being nice.

Bucky nods, swallows, and begins to speak, sounding more nervous than ever. “I’m not sure what I want anymore. A lot of things are really confusing to me and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. How to be human again. But I do know that I really like you. A lot. More than a friend. So yeah, I would like to be more than friends with you. I’d like to date you, have a real relationship. I know I didn’t say it before, but I thought that our night at the Tower was a date and I want to take you on so many more dates if you’ll let me.”

He pauses to breathe, then continues, “and no, I definitely don’t do any of this with other girls. You're, you’re the first girl I’ve been with in over seventy years. And um, maybe that’s why I’m so bad at this and why I don’t know what to do, but I just really like you and I don’t want to mess any of this up.” You grab his hand and squeeze it so he will stop babbling. It works and he looks down at you, anxiety covering his face.

You smile encouragingly, “breathe, Bucky. I like you a lot too and I’m glad our dinner was actually a date. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.” “Great,” he replies, adrenaline still high, “so do you want to come have dinner with us? I really do want you there.”

“That would be great,” you answer with a gigantic smile. It may not be exclusive or official, you still have more to unravel, but now you know what you had hoped: Bucky Barnes likes you.

The two of chat as you head to the more private buildings where the team actually lives. Wanda, Vision, Natasha, Steve, and Sam are all there for the evening. Bruce is at a conference overseas and Tony and Pepper are off doing their own thing again. Steve’s cooking tonight and he’s already in the kitchen preparing chicken for the meal. Wanda, however, is on the couch watching TV with Vision, rather than overseeing Steve’s culinary skills. Natasha, reading your face immediately tells you, “I’m nervous too, this is only the third time he hasn’t had Wanda’s supervision.”

“Super vision?” Sam jokes, “he’s right there, Nat,” pointing to Vision on the couch. Laughing at both Sam’s lame joke and the groans from the others, you relax on the couch with Bucky.  Soon enough Steve announces dinner is ready and it does look delicious.

You are all ready to dig in, but Bucky draws their attention away from the meal when he stands up. “Before we begin, I’d like to congratulate Y/N on her new position here at the Avengers Compound!” The rest of the group applauds for you, and then of course, begins to eat.

In between bites of food, they take turns asking you about the interview process, and what you thought about everything so far. “Is it better than your old job at PLN?” Wanda asks. “I mean, I haven’t even started yet, but I can't imagine it not being better.”

Wanda nods at this then asks, “but, are you going to miss your work friends?” You swallow then answer, “well I really just had one coworker I was close to, Jane. But she actually got a promotion and is being transferred to London soon. So, I’ll be looking to make some new friends here.”

“Jane,” Natasha says, sounding curious, “not Thor’s Jane, right?” “Oh no,” you say with a little laugh, “no, definitely not.” They laugh a little at that and then Steve asks, “so where are you going to live now? Will you be commuting every day from Manhattan or will you be getting a place upstate?” You pause, you haven’t actually figured any of this out yet. Your lease wasn’t over until spring and you hadn’t been entirely sure you’d have even gotten the job.

“I’m not sure yet, but for now I’ll be commuting, which is a pain. Not sure how I’ll manage that either, without my own car, but that’s a problem for later!” You laugh a little, not wanting anyone to worry about you or your situation. Bucky doesn’t seem to get the message though and is immediately concerned. “You can’t drive here every day, that’ll be exhausting,” he says, nervously. “Don’t worry, I’ll make it work,” you tell him, hoping he’ll drop the subject.

Natasha, coming to your rescue, changes the subject by gathering up the empty plates. You stand and help her take the dishes to the kitchen to clean. The rest of the team meanders back to the main room to argue over a movie to watch. Dishes dry and put away, you walk back to the living area to sit on the couch next to Bucky. He’s under a blanket already and lifts it up for you to get under when you sit. Wondering what the others think of your proximity to one another, you carefully scoot next to him.

Halfway into the movie, you start to sweat. You’re not sure why, but it feels like the temperature has gone up a hundred degrees. You move out from under the blanket and Bucky removes his arm from around your shoulder. He looks at you concerned, but you ignore him and focus on the movie, not wanting to cause a scene.

Ten minutes later you’re finding it hard to concentrate on the movie, your stomach uncomfortable. Another five minutes and you're ready to excuse yourself to the restroom, when all of a sudden Natasha gets up and runs to the kitchen.

You can all hear her as she throws up into a trash can, and the sound just about pushes you over the edge. Grabbing your stomach, you go to the kitchen, where you too vomit into the trash can. Bucky is by your side the whole time, hands rubbing your back and holding your hair as you gag. He gets you a glass of water as you sit on the floor and before you know it Sam is puking in the sink. Feeling lightheaded and confused you look towards Natasha for explanation.

“Steve, you bastard,” Natasha chokes out, pointing at the captain, “you gave us food poisoning.” At this information, Wanda too begins to vomit into a trashcan. Sam, Wanda, and Natasha all look as bad as you feel, and food poisoning does seem to be a valid culprit. The seven of you had all eaten together, but Steve and Bucky were fine due to their super soldier serums, while Vision hadn’t eaten and couldn’t possibly get sick. Steve does look like he’s ill though, as you watch his reaction to Natasha’s outburst.

“I am so, so sorry! It was on accident, I swear it!” Natasha isn’t impressed with this apology, and mutters, “you owe me big time, Rogers.” Natasha is back on her feet now and Sam has managed to sit himself in a chair at the table, but you’re still slumped on the ground. Feeling dizzy and weak, Bucky helps you lean up against the wall. His face is worried again as he puts his flesh hand to your forehead to check your temperature.

“She’s really warm, Vision. What’s her temperature?” Vision leaves Wanda and flies over to you to check your vitals. “103 degrees,” he says calmly, “which is dangerously high, even for an adult. She should be placed in a lukewarm bath and given acetaminophen to bring the fever down.”

You shake your head, the sound of having to swallow something making you want to throw up again. Bucky starts to help you stand up, but you’re starting to shake from the chills, and you don’t want to move.

Bucky ignores your whines of protest and picks you up off the kitchen floor. Carrying you to the elevator he ignores the others’ questions. Your head is up against his shoulder and it’s far too warm, but you don’t have the strength to move it.

Steve is by Bucky’s side, sounding regretful and worried. “Why is she so sick?” Steve asks Bucky who shakes his head in response. “The others seem fine already, is she gonna be okay?” Bucky ignores his friend’s worries and focuses on fixing the problem on hand.

Now in Bucky’s quarters, Steve runs a bath while Bucky sits on the floor of the bathroom with you in his arms. You’re more alert now, but still feeling terrible. When the water is full Bucky lifts you up again and sets you in the tub fully clothed.

His arms support you, even when you begin to throw up for the second time. Steve gets a glass of water for you as well as a thermometer and Bucky gives you small sips before placing the thermometer in your mouth, watching your temperature slowly fall. Once it’s at 100 degrees, Bucky begins to relax.

Steve leaves to go check on the others, Bucky having things under control again. “Bucky, I’m fine,” you manage to say after you’ve puked for the third time. It’s nearly one in the morning and if it’s been a long day for you, then certainly it’s been an even longer one for him.

“I can handle this on my own, you don’t have to be here.” He scoffs at that and helps you out of the bath water. Sopping wet and still fully clothed he wraps you in a towel and carries you to his bed. He goes to his closet and returns with clothes, a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers.

“Um I don’t have any underwear for you, but maybe you can just wear these?” he offers, sounding shy again. You nod, giving him a small smile. “Okay, um do you want me to get Wanda or Nat or something? Or do you think you can change by yourself?” he asks you, even more shy and nervous than before. “Bucky, it's fine. Just help me out of these wet clothes, I hate being so soggy.” He blushes a little at this and your smile grows, you’re feeling better by the second.

 “You know when I imagined you taking my pants off for the first time, I didn’t think it’d be like this.” You say, grinning as Bucky helps you out of your wet pants. “We haven’t even kissed yet and you’re thinking about me taking off your pants?” he teases.

You laugh weakly, your face still pale. He frowns slightly, disliking seeing you in discomfort. He hands you the fresh clothes and turns away as you change out of your underwear. Now in a pair of Bucky’s boxers, he helps you out of your wet blouse. He blushes slightly but gives you privacy once more as you remove your bra and put on his t-shirt.

He collects your wet clothes and takes them into the bathroom. Returning with another glass of water, he sits on the edge of the bed, watching you lay there motionless on top of the covers. “It’s just our luck, I guess,” you continue slowly, still feeling nauseous. “Now we’re finally alone and I don’t want you to kiss me because I’ve been puking up my guts.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” he answers unhappily, helping you sit up and move underneath the sheets. “Now you just close your eyes and rest. Don’t worry about kisses or anything else.” He grins at you and hands you the glass of water on the bedside table for another sip.

He’s still worried about you though, you can tell from his body language, and although you are a little excited at being able to recognize his emotions, you feel guilty. He was just trying to have a nice night in with friends and now he was stuck taking care of you.

“Really, Bucky maybe I shouldn’t be in your bed. I should probably just go home and give you your room back.” You say, thinking about how terrible of a guest you’re being. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says, sounding very protective again, “you could barely walk a minute ago and you think I’ll just send you off?”

“Bucky,” you whine, “I have food poisoning, not some alien disease or polio or Ebola.” Despite your words, you are feeling like crap and his bed is oh so comfortable. Soft sheets and a pillow that smells just like him. You don’t really want to leave; you just don’t want him to worry either. He checks your temperature again, the back of his hand cool against your slightly sweaty forehead.

“You’re right, but just because it could be worse doesn’t mean I’m not worried.” He tells you, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding your hand. “Ugh,” you mumble, eyes getting droopier by the second. “If you want someone to baby, I’m sure Sam would appreciate it.” He smiles at that, a nice change from his previous stoic state. “Sam isn’t nearly as cute, but I will go so you can rest,” he says, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

He stands up to turn the lights off and leave. “Wait,” you call out and he quickly returns to your side with a trash can just in case you’re about to hurl again. “No,” you say seeing the trash can, “just, can you stay until I fall asleep?” You’re shy and a little bit nervous, your tone of voice sounding just as it did when you had first met Bucky and had offered directions.

“Of course, doll. I’ll stay,” he tells you, sitting back down on the bed next to you, his hand smoothing your hair gently. You sigh in relief and in minutes you’re asleep, having been completely exhausted.


	11. Chapter 11

Bucky stays by her side, stroking her hair, even after she’s fallen asleep. Watching her breathe and dream, he feels more peaceful than he can ever remember feeling. Once he’s certain she won't be waking up any time soon, he stands up to get ready for bed. He brushes his teeth and then changes into more comfortable clothes. Checking her temperature once more with the back of his hand, he’s satisfied with her stability.

Leaving the bedroom door open, in case she wakes up to puke again, he lays down on his couch. It's barely long enough for him to stretch out, but it’s very comfortable, Stark only wanting the best. Closing his eyes and imagining what it would be like to fall asleep with her in his arms, he drifts off, falling asleep so much faster than previous nights.

When he wakes up Saturday morning just past eight, the latest he’s slept in in years, she’s still asleep, her hair spread out on his pillow, her breathing smooth and slow. She hasn’t thrown up again and her temperature feels normal, so after brushing his teeth once more, he heads downstairs.

Deciding on a breakfast of toast and fruit for her, he examines his fruit options. Debating whether she would prefer a banana or an orange, Steve enters the kitchen, taking the banana and peeling it.

“So, how is she?” Steve asks, mouth full of banana. Annoyed with his friend’s bad manners he answers, “she’s still asleep, but she doesn’t have a fever anymore and she hasn’t thrown up since last night.” “That’s good,” is Steve’s response as he sits down at the counter. Then sounding a little nervous Steve asks, “was she mad about the whole food poisoning thing? Does she hate me now?”

“Nah,” Bucky tells Steve, “but I should’ve known something was wrong before. During the movie her temperature was rising. I noticed but didn’t say anything. I should’ve done something to help earlier.” Steve, looking grateful that Y/N didn’t hate him, tells Bucky, “don’t worry about it, Buck. Even if you knew it was food poisoning from the start you wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it.”

“But I could’ve Stevie!” Bucky responds, sounding exasperated. “I was literally looking up food contaminants and the like a few days ago. I should’ve known! And then she wouldn’t have gotten sick!” Steve watches his friend carefully, his mind occupied by the emotions he knows Bucky is currently feeling. Then with a knowing smile he adds, “you really do like her, don’t you?”

“Yes!” Bucky says, looking at his friend like he was crazy, “of course I like her! How could I not? She’s amazing and sweet and kind and,” he waves his hands around, unsure how to describe her anymore. He’s feeling a bit overwhelmed by his emotions. Emotions that he hasn’t had to think about or feel or convey in a long time.

Steve stares at Bucky some more. “What,” Bucky asks, not liking the way Steve is looking at him. “Well,” Steve says, still staring. “Well what?” Bucky asks, spreading jam onto the toast. “Well did you kiss her yet?” Steve asks, genuinely curious.

“No,” Bucky says, sounding annoyed. “She was puking all night; she didn’t feel well. I couldn’t kiss her then. Besides,” he adds nervously, “I’m not sure if I’m ready for all of this yet.”

“Of course, you're ready Buck,” Steve tells him confidently. “You weren’t ready a month ago, but now look at you! You're letting yourself feel things again!” Steve pauses to think, “well maybe you’re not completely ready, but no one ever really is completely ready. If you wait until you're ready, then you’ll be waiting forever!”

Bucky isn’t sure what to say to that, but Steve continues. “You’ve improved so much! You used to be so guarded all of the time, even with me. But now you don’t hide your emotions as much and it’s such an improvement!”

Bucky completely agrees with that point, he feels more human now than he was before, and it’s due to her presence in his life. “She makes me feel things that I didn’t think I could feel anymore,” he tells Steve cautiously. “I actually feel like I’m a good person when I’m with her, especially when I get to help her.” Steve grins at this information. “See! I told you all of this and now it’s all coming true! She’s good for you, Buck. I’m really happy for you!”

“Thanks, Stevie,” Bucky responds, mind focusing back on Y/N upstairs alone and wondering what it would be like to finally kiss her. “Okay, I’m gonna go check on her now. Thanks for everything Stevie,” he says, carrying the tray of food. Steve salutes Bucky with a grin and grabs a slice of toast from the tray.

Shutting the door to his quarters a little too loudly, he hears the sheets rustle. “Hi,” he says softly, approaching the bed, “I brought some breakfast.” Her eyes are still closed as she stretches in bed. “What time is it?” she mumbles, voice sleepy.

“It’s nearly nine,” he informs her, setting down the tray on his nightstand. She groans at this, opens her eyes for a peek, then shuts them again, rolling over and burying her face in the pillow. “Too early,” she grumbles.

He laughs at her reaction, sitting down on the side of the bed. “How’re you feeling? Stomach still bothering you at all?” She rolls back over, hands rubbing her eyes. “No, I’m good. Slept great actually, this mattress is amazing.” He grins at that, Stark really does get the best of everything. “Well,” he tells her, “I thought it’d be good for you to get some food in your stomach, so I brought toast and an orange, Steve ate the banana.”

She laughs at that, and finally opens her eyes for real. She sits up in the bed, leaning against the pillow. “I am actually pretty hungry, now that you’ve mentioned all this food.” “Great,” he tells her, placing the tray on her lap. “Wait,” she adds, “what about you? Where’s your food?” “Oh,” he says, realizing that he didn’t make extra for himself, “it’s fine, I can eat later.”

“No,” she says, attempting to drag him onto the bed. “Come sit and we’ll share. This is too much for me anyway. Did you use up a whole loaf of bread?” she teases. Allowing himself to be tugged over her body and onto the other side of the bed, they share the toast and orange.

“Sorry, there’s probably crumbs everywhere now,” she tells him after finishing the last piece. He laughs a little; crumbs are a problem he can definitely handle.

She yawns again, and Bucky stands up, taking the tray from off her lap and placing it on the bed side table. “You should rest more,” he tells her, smoothing her hair and helping her lay back down, “you don’t have a good immune system, and your body needs to recover.”

“A bad immune system, huh?” she says with a smile, “what would a super soldier like you know about a bad immune system?”

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” he tells her with a smile, “Stevie had an even worse immune system than you before the serum. He would get sick all the time and I’d end up being the one looking after him.”

She smiles at this, “hard to imagine Captain America throwing up and then having to be carried to bed.” He grins back at her, watching her eyes close once more. His hand strokes her hair and he carefully bends down to give her forehead a kiss. “Well, it definitely happened, doll.” He listens to her breathing slow and soon she’s asleep again.

Bucky foregoes his usual morning workout, in favor of staying by Y/N’s side in case she wakes up and needs him. He instead focuses on his newest hobby: figuring out the internet. So far, he’s spent a lot of time on Wikipedia, reading up on history and random things. He doesn’t like not knowing what the world is like and things like Wanda teasing him about poisoned strawberries bother him more than he lets on. So, he reads up on things through Wikipedia, but he hasn’t quite figured out the rest of the internet.

He types away at his Stark computer until it’s the afternoon and he’s hungry again. Wondering if he should wake Y/N or just let her keep sleeping, he snacks on pretzels. The kitchen inside his quarters is large enough to cook in, but it’s still relatively empty. He has mostly snack foods since he prefers to eat his meals with the team. Although now that Steve has poisoned them, maybe team dinners won't be as common anymore.

Deciding to participate in more of Wanda’s cooking lessons, he searches online for easy recipes. Maybe he could cook something for Y/N without Wanda’s help, or maybe he and Y/N could make something together. The sound of feet on the floor, stops his search. Y/N is out of bed, looking at his computer screen.

“Recipes, huh?” she mentions casually. She’s still in his t shirt and boxers and he doesn’t understand how she looks so incredibly good. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so long, its nearly three,” she tells him. “You looked like you needed it,” he explains, standing up slowly. “So, um do you have an extra toothbrush, I desperately need to brush my teeth,” she asks, laughing a little at herself.

He heads to the bathroom, her following him. He digs around in a few drawers; he knows he has extras somewhere. Pulling out a new travel sized toothbrush, he hands it to her along with his toothpaste. He awkwardly side steps out of the bathroom to give her some privacy and sits on the bed, waiting. She follows him out of the bathroom while brushing her teeth. He must give her an odd look, because she turns right back around to walk into the bathroom.

He hears her spit and then call out, “sorry, it’s weird, but I usually walk around when I brush my teeth at home.” He laughs a little, then a few moments later when she hasn’t left the bathroom again, he tells her, “you can walk around if you want, I don’t mind.” She comes back out, brushing her teeth and pacing the floor. He watches her, amused by her actions. Teeth brushing wasn’t new or interesting, but her doing it had his complete attention.

Once she’s done, he offers her the clothes she had been wearing last night, all clean now. “You can take a shower and then change if you want to,” he tells her handing her a towel. She looks at the business outfit from her interview and frowns. “Do you mind if I wear these a little longer?” she asks, gesturing to Bucky’s clothes she was still wearing.

“Sure,” he tells her, opening up a drawer. “If you want to be more comfortable here’s a new t-shirt and the sweatpants you wore last time.” She thanks him then takes the t-shirt, shrunken sweatpants, and her underwear from the day before, and steps back into the bathroom to shower. He returns to his recipe search at his desk, trying to distract himself.

When she emerges, her wet hair dripping onto his clothes too large on her small frame, he can’t help but grin. “What’s wrong?” she asks him, noticing his goofy smile. “Nothing,” he says with a little laugh, “nothing’s wrong at all.”

The two of them head out of Bucky’s quarters and downstairs to hopefully hang out with some of the other Avengers. Just as he had suspected, Wanda and Vision are downstairs on the couch watching TV; Wanda eating a bowl of M&Ms. He sits down next to Wanda, takes the bowl and hands it to Y/N, who takes a few of the candies for herself. They spend the rest of the afternoon relaxing on the couch watching television and snacking. Or at least until Sam and Steve return sweaty from a work out.

“So not fair,” Sam says, eyeing the bowl of M&M’s, “but also why would you want to eat candy after you were sick all last night?” Bucky frowns at this, feeling stupid for not being aware that candy could just make Y/N feel worse instead of better. “You guys really shouldn’t be eating anything anyway, it’s dinnertime,” Steve announces, taking a drink from a large bottle of water.

“Deal with it,” Wanda says, then after sniffing the air adds, “go shower, you guys smell terrible.” Agreeing with that conclusion, Bucky tells them to hurry up and shower before dinner. Y/N shifts uncomfortably in her spot next to Bucky. He hopes that she isn’t upset with candy as the only snack option, or that she feels sick again. “What is it?” he whispers in her ear, knowing that she wouldn’t want any attention drawn to herself.

“Should I go?” she whispers back, looking anxious. “No,” he tells her, shaking his head, “you should definitely stay, I promise you won't get poisoned this time.” She smiles at that, whispers an okay in response, and curls back into his side. His metal arm is wrapped around her shoulder and his flesh hand comfortably intertwined with hers. He doesn’t know why he hasn’t lived life like this before, or why he would ever stop living like this now.

After a dinner of takeout that Sam had insisted on, Steve looking guilty as ever, Bucky drags Y/N aside. “Come on we’re going for a walk,” he announces, feeling pleased with himself for his plan. “A walk?” she moans unwillingly, “I don’t even have shoes for a walk.”

“Yes, you need the fresh air, and you don’t need shoes. I won't wear any either,” he reasons. And with that explanation she allows herself to be led away by him on a barefoot walk.

The two of them still haven’t been out in public together, not on a proper date anyway, and Bucky isn’t sure how much of a factor that will be when figuring out their relationship, but as of right now he doesn’t care. They can have all their dates in private for all he cares. He just wants to be near her and for her to want the same. He wants this so badly he should be afraid, but it all feels so comfortable and easy, he isn’t scared one bit.

“Is it gonna be weird that I’ll be working here now?” she asks him, looking up at him with those big brown eyes of hers. He squeezes her hand as they walk up a hill. “Not unless you make it weird,” he teases gently. “Be serious, Bucky,” she tells him sounding nervous, “please, is it gonna be weird?”

He stops walking to face her directly, dropping her hand as well. She freezes in her tracks, looking like a deer in headlights, and he immediately wants to hold her. But he refrains in order to properly convey his message in words. “It’s going to be fine, were going to take things slow and just see what happens.” He’s strangely confident in his answer, although it is quite vague. She must think it’s solid too, because without further question she grabs his hand again and they continue to walk, no destination in mind.

After walking down the hill and reaching a large flat area, he decides to stop. The hill blocks the view of the Compound, and here they can pretend it’s just the two of them, away from the world, surrounded only by nature. They sit down on the warm grass and watch a flock of birds fly away. It’s peaceful and quiet, but he is starting to get a little nervous.

He’s not sure what to say or how to make the first move or if it’s even the right thing to do, but then she’s looking at him and it’s all so easy. His mind isn’t caught up on looking for ways to escape or the best way to defend himself. He isn’t thinking about whether he’s ready for this or if his past will start to haunt her as well as him.

He is only thinking about her and the way her hair looks in the sunlight, the way her eyes are so focused on him he knows that he is the only thing on her mind. He thinks of how her mouth looks so pretty, so inviting and then he leans in for a kiss.

They’re kissing now in the grass as the sun sets around them. She climbs into his lap as they make out and soon, they’re both laughing for reasons neither of them fully understand. They’re so happy to finally have a moment without interruption it’s like they’re horny teenagers again. Once the laughter ends, and they’ve kissed a couple dozen more times, she turns back around to watch the sunset. Leaning against his warm solid back she relaxes easily.

“You know what?” she asks playfully, still gazing at the scene before her. “What?” Bucky asks in return, a smile clear in his voice. “This would be the perfect spot for a garden.” He laughs out loud at that, pure joy in his voice, and she turns around to watch. Giving her another kiss, he says sweetly, “you know what?” “What?” she asks, kissing him again in return. “You’re my favorite person.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took eleven chapters but yay they finally got their kiss!  
> Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: the reader has a panic attack in this chapter and is generally a mess. The angst is starting up, but if this story goes the way I've planned it then it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. I'm really nervous about posting this chapter, but hopefully you still like the story! Let me know what you think!

Monday arrives quickly after your kiss Saturday night with Bucky and a Sunday spent stressing about your new job. Just figuring out how you’ll manage to get to work by nine when you’re commuting from Manhattan is enough to deal with, let alone figuring out your actual job.

Not much is figured out though, and you go to bed early Sunday night with the knowledge that you’ll have to wake up ridiculously early in order to arrive on time. You’ve estimated that a three-hour bus ride will actually take four hours and with an extra hour to wake up and not panic, you have set your alarm for four in the morning.

You’re not a morning person in the slightest, and you didn’t sleep great last night, despite getting into bed at nine, so your first real day of work is off to a rough start. You manage to catch all of the right buses to get upstate into Albany, but it’s incredibly stressful and you’re exhausted by the time you arrive, despite not having even started your work day. Trying not to think about how you’re going to have to make the same commute home and then back again four more times this week, you greet your coworkers.

The break room is stocked with plenty of coffee and so you drink lots throughout your first morning as you try your best to learn the new systems for your new position. There are so many names to remember and so many forms to fill out, but somehow you manage. By the time noon rolls around you’re a jittery mess, but you’re finally done with the rest of the paperwork and work safety videos on sexual harassment in the office place.

You haven’t seen Bucky or any of the other Avengers, but honestly, you’re happy with things that way. You don’t want any unnecessary attention and you definitely don’t need to be the center of office gossip. Your coworkers thinking that you weren’t qualified for this job, but that you were just hired because you knew the team, would be a disaster.

Deciding to break for lunch and hoping to maybe get to know some of your new coworkers a little better, you take your bagged lunch to the break room. It’s like the first day of high school all over again, not knowing where to sit or who to talk to. All eyes are on you, it seems. Tables are full of people who all already know each other, who already have friends and cliques and you’re feeling left out.

Too exhausted from your early morning wake up to be brave, you choose an empty table near the trash can. You can meet people and make friends tomorrow you tell yourself, trying desperately to banish the following thought which is that you’ll be even more tired tomorrow. Slowly eating your peanut butter sandwich, you are startled when music starts to play. You look around confused as to what was the making the noise and why.

It turns out not to be a what, but who. Tony Stark is there holding a massive cake with a mariachi band in tow. You're instantly horrified. It can't be for you; no, it cannot be for you. But no matter how much you plead inside your mind, it will not change the fact that today is your 26th birthday.

The rest of the Avengers follow the band into the now crowded cafeteria style break room. Some are looking amused while others just look like they would rather be somewhere else. It doesn’t matter where they want to be or even where you want to be though, because this is actually happening.

You try to ignore the commotion in hopes that you’re wrong and it’s just the weekly Tony Stark Monday cake party. The rest of your coworkers watch in confusion as Iron Man himself walks up to the new girl and places the giant sheet cake adorned with candles in front of her.

You know your face is bright red and you know that you would gladly melt into the ground right now, but the torture has only just begun. The band starts up the familiar tune, “happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” Stark is waving his hands as he sings, gesturing at everyone else to join him.

Pepper gives you a pitiful look, Sam a wink, and Bucky refuses to even make eye contact. You're not sure if it’s just because you’re in public or if he feels bad for what is happening to you or something else entirely, but it upsets you even more than the entire birthday celebration.

Thankfully the songs ends, and you blow out your candles, wishing that this will never ever happen to you again. After that you help slice up the monstrous cake and hand out pieces to everyone. Your coworkers seem to have already accepted this incident, either because it’s a common occurrence or because there’s free cake. Hoping desperately that it’s because of the cake and not that this will be something to endure again in a year’s time, you grab what’s left of your sandwich and sneak out.

Despite being the birthday girl, no one follows you or even seems to notice you leave and that’s fine by you. You take a second to catch your breath, half hidden by a large plant, when you hear two men laughing.

“Well now we know why she was hired,” one says, as he leaves the break room with a piece of cake. His friend responds, “I bet you fifty bucks she’s sleeping with one of them.” The first man laughs, almost choking on his bite of cake, “one of them? She’s probably sleeping with all of them, the little slut.”

You’re horrified. This was your worst fear and now it has come true. All of these people are going to think you're some whore who can't do their own job. Once you're alone in the hallway, you manage to make your way back to your desk without breaking down, but it’s all wrong.

At your old workplace you had your own office, sure it was the size of a broom closet and the heating rarely worked in the winter, but it had privacy. Here you couldn’t take a moment for yourself to just breathe. Or to cry, which is what you’re on the verge of doing. Realizing that tears are inescapable, you dash off to the bathroom.

Thankfully no one is inside, they’re probably all still enjoying cake your mind vaguely decides, and it’s a small miracle because the moment you get in a stall the tears start. You’re sitting on the toilet seat, something you would normally be disgusted to do, but you’re shaking too much to stand or to care.  You are sobbing now, completely overwhelmed and not sure what to do about it.

Soft footsteps arrive in the bathroom and someone knocks gently on your stall. You try to stop crying, wanting to be quiet so as to not disturb the stranger, but to no avail. “Y/N, what’s wrong?” Wanda asks gently.

Swallowing and furiously dabbing at your eyes with toilet paper you answer, “Wanda, I’m fine, just give me a minute.” Wanda stays by the stall door, “no, you're not fine. I can feel emotions you know, and yours are all over the place.”

You don’t know what to say to that. It is true, you are a mess right now. “Just open the door please,” Wanda says. Unsure of a better idea you do as she says and are immediately embraced by the Sokovian witch. Her arms wrap around you and squeeze you in a comfortable hug. Comforted by this affection your tears subside and you manage to calm back down.

“You're taking a half day today,” she tells you once you’ve separated. Still wiping your eyes with toilet paper, you respond, “Wanda it’s literally my first day. I can’t take a half day on my first ever day!” “Exactly, it's your first day and you're not gonna do shit on your first day so it’s fine,” she responds, taking your hand. She starts to pull you out of the bathroom, but you stop her. “Give me a minute first, my face is a mess. I can't go out there looking like this.”

“I'll make it so that they won't notice, okay?” she responds and drags you out. You weren’t aware Wanda’s powers were capable of anything like that, but they seem to work. Either that or everyone in the office is suddenly really immersed in their work. The people who look at you don’t seem to see that anything is wrong and you're grateful.

You follow Wanda out of the offices and to the Avengers' living area in the Compound. You're not sure it’s where you really want to be going, but by the time you realize Wanda’s destination, it’s far too late.

The rest of the team is hanging out in the kitchen with yet another birthday cake when you arrive. The same kitchen where you ate your first meal with the Avengers (pizza), where you had gotten drunk with the Avengers, where you ate your second meal with the Avengers (Steve’s undercooked chicken dish), where you had thrown up said meal in front of the Avengers, and now just to keep everyone on their toes: the kitchen where you had cried on your birthday, again with the Avengers.

They seem unaware of the situation when you first arrive though, possibly due to Wanda’s powers or to their own blind happiness. Cheers and happy birthdays are called out, even Sam asking where you went. But all that ends abruptly once you get close enough. Wanda stops her spell and they see your puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. Bucky dashes over to you, immediately concerned, but after his apathy during the surprise, you’re not interested.

“Doll, what’s wrong, what happened?” Bucky asks, pulling you to the couch. “Why so interested now?” you ask bitterly, still emotional and now further upset that your notion was coming true: Bucky refused to acknowledge you only because you were in public. His face is shocked, something you haven’t seen yet, he was normally much more in control of his emotions, but apparently not today. “What?” you retort, getting angry, “you’re gonna look at me now that they’re aren’t other people around?”

“Other people?” Bucky asks looking more and more confused, “there’s people here right now. Steve and Natasha and.” You cut him off, “no, they don’t count. You know what I mean.” And he does know exactly what you mean and the sadness in his face conveys it.

“I am so sorry, Y/N. I was just upset that you didn’t tell me it was your birthday. I know it’s stupid, but it was just embarrassing when Stark knew and had all of this planned for you. It made me feel useless,” he explains.

You sigh, feeling sick to your stomach. It wasn’t right that Bucky had ignored you, but it wasn’t right that you had snapped at him either. He was dealing with all sorts of his own trauma and it wasn’t right for you to expect something out of him that he wasn’t ready for. You frown and regretfully take Bucky’s hand back in yours.

“It’s fine, it just bothered me that you were there and then proceeded to ignore me. I forgive you, let’s just forget about it, okay?” You try to ignore everyone’s stares and focus on Bucky, focus on convincing him that it’s okay, but it’s difficult. You can see his mind running a million miles an hour and really you just want to go home and cry.

Tony chimes in, “I only knew it was her birthday because of all the application forms and what not. I just figured that since you didn’t get to come to the Halloween party, Y/N, you deserved this one. But I overstepped and I am really sorry for that.” You’re not sure what to say about this, you barely know the guy, and he’s already doing all of this for you? Iron Man wanted you to be able to come to a party, so he threw you one?

“It’s just like you're a part of this team now and we want you to be included,” Wanda adds, moving to sit next to you on the couch. “Not to put pressure or anything on you and Bucky’s relationship, but we really like having you around,” Natasha says with a smile. “Well you totally did just add pressure you idiot,” Sam tells Nat, effectively cutting the tension. Everyone having had a good laugh settles down into their seats except for Tony.

Tony cuts a slice of the new cake and puts a single candle in it. Handing you the plate, he starts to strike the match, but you stop him. “Please, please don’t make me have to listen to you all sing again.” Everyone laughs at that and thankfully Tony agrees and removes the candle, beginning to cut more cake for everyone else. Most refuse having had a piece earlier, but you, not having had a slice from before, eat happily.

“So, what did happen to start all of this?” Dr. Banner asks you, sounding very professional despite having just finished his third slice of cake. You pause before answering, not sure how honest you want to be right now. “Well the party wasn’t exactly my kind of thing,” you explain slowly. “And, uh, then I just overheard some people talking and it was about me and it just wasn’t what I wanted to hear right then, so it upset me.”

Natasha presses, “what things? And who said them? Be specific.” You gulp, knowing that Natasha will keep questioning you if you don’t give sufficient answers. “I don’t know who they are, but they were just suggesting that maybe I wasn’t fit for the job.” “What?” Wanda scoffs, “that’s ridiculous, I bet you're more qualified than they are.” You shake your head at that claim, wanting this conversation to end as soon as possible.

“But what did they say?” Steve asks, sounding more upset than you had heard the solemn soldier before. You frown, “I can't remember exactly.” It’s not a lie, and this way you won't have to tell them the truth either. Unfortunately, you don’t know of Tony’s ways so when he asks where this all took place, you answer him truthfully. He messes around on his phone for a bit then displays on the TV with full audio and video: the security footage from earlier.

“The little slut,” the voice of the man from the hallway rings in your ears. Tears are beginning to form again in your eyes after having to hear all of that again, and this time in front of an audience. The group is horrified with the video and Natasha is the first to put her thoughts into actions. “I’m gonna kick their asses,” she announces, getting up and marching away. Steve stops her and drags her back to the couch.

“That’s not the way to teach those men, Nat. You know better than that,” the Captain says. You nod, agreeing that violence or any form of retaliation is not the answer. But then Steve continues, “you’ve got to hit them where it’ll really hurt. Stark you’ve got to fire them and make sure no one will hire them again.” “Steve no!” you shout, standing up. “That is not the way to handle this! I’m a big girl I can deal with this on my own. In fact, I should be going back to work right now.”

“You can deal with this on your own, but you don’t have to,” Bucky says, gently pulling you back down to sit. The rest of the team agrees with his words, Wanda telling you she has your back, and Steve telling you that work isn’t everything. Tony is blabbering about work code conduct and his plans for handling the situation. There’s too much noise and confusion so you, emotionally drained and physically exhausted, surrender.

“I do need a nap,” you tell them with a yawn, showing your concession. “You can go home early on one condition,” Stark says, getting your attention again. He is your boss, or at least the boyfriend of your boss, so you need to hear this. “You have to take this cake home with you.” You laugh at the terms of his agreement and stand to go get the cake and your things. “I guess I can handle that.”

“But seriously, you're not allowed to go back to the office,” Tony reminds you. You feel embarrassed at his added words, your mind starting to worry that maybe they’re starting to regret hiring you and that they no longer like you. You duck your head, feeling terribly guilty for skipping half of your first day, but also desperately wanting to leave.

Tony doesn’t quite pick up on your emotions, so when he quips, “you’d better not be late for work tomorrow it’s only your second day after all,” he’s unaware of the damage he’s just caused. You had been distracted before, worried about what your coworkers would think and how you're going to get home carrying a massive cake.

But now as you hear Tony’s words, “better not be late,” your mind changes course, now suddenly overwhelmed. You can't be late; you can’t let down the Avengers. They had hired you to do a job that you're already slacking off on.

Wanda rolls her eyes at Tony’s comment, and tells him, “it’s your fault for having the party on a Monday.” Tony replies, “oh so it’s my fault her birthday is on a Monday? I’m pretty sure a party can be at any time.” You don’t hear any part of their bickering though, as your mind races. You stare blankly at the chocolate birthday cake you know you’ll have to leave behind as you begin to panic.

You think about how you are going to be doing this every day for this whole week, for this whole month, for the rest of your life. You know you're exaggerating, that you’ll move out of your Manhattan apartment soon and find a new place upstate, but right now you're just too lost in your head to listen to common sense. Abandoning the cake and the team, who is still distracted with talk of Tony’s partying habits, you escape to the hallway.

Your heart is beginning to race again, and you're not sure how. You’ve already been through way too much today, it makes no sense that you're panicking yet again. It just seems like the universe it out to get you, birthday or not. You desperately need privacy before you start to panic again. You open a random door and step into a small closet filled with cleaning supplies. You turn on the light, close the door, and try to avoid a panic attack.

Five things you can see: broom, dustpan, mop, rags, and disinfectant. Four things you can touch: your face, the wall, your mind scrambles as the door opens. “Whoa, okay breathe Y/N, breathe,” Wanda tells you, but it’s not working, you can’t focus on her words or anything at all. You don’t want her here; you don’t want anyone to see you like this. You hate being vulnerable and yet here you are again.

You feel like you're going to be sick, like your heart is going to beat right out of your chest, and you don’t know what to do. Your calming tactics completely forgotten; you are in a blind panic now. Wanda’s hands touch your head and then you can understand her clearly. She calms you down somehow and you find yourself back in reality, collapsed on the floor, hands shaking. Wanda’s hands are still on your head with a warmth you can't explain, but you know it’s her that is helping you to relax.

But then Bucky is there by your side, anger clear on his face. For a moment you're confused trying to understand, but then he pushes Wanda’s hands away and your anxiety is boiling over again. Thankfully, after what seems like an eternity, her hands return. After what you assume to be a few more minutes of her tranquilizing energy flowing through your mind, she removes her hands and you have returned to a calm state. An exhausted, emotionally wrecked state, but at least you're no longer hyperventilating.

Bucky is stroking your hair, still apologizing to Wanda, probably for shoving her when she was helping you, but you understand his reaction. Messing with minds was no ordinary feat and he was extremely protective of you. Your mind jumps around, trying to connect things together, but it’s overwhelming. You move to stand up, but Bucky stops you, sitting you up against the wall. He and Wanda are talking quickly but their voices are too soft, and you can't comprehend.

Hiding your face in your hands you whisper repeatedly, “I can't do this, I have to quit, I can't do this.” Bucky wraps his arms around you and holds you close. “Don’t think about that now. I'll help you figure this out. I promise.” He picks you up in his strong arms, still murmuring that you're safe and that he’s got you. With your head on his shoulder and the rhythm of his footsteps in your ears, you fall asleep in his arms.


	13. Chapter 13

Bucky is embarrassed to not have seen Y/N leave, but once he notices that she’s gone and Wanda too, he begins to panic. She was in a bad state before, but what if she was even worse now? Stark’s comments couldn’t have made her feel much better, especially when he brought up how she had better not be late. He races down the hall until he sees the door to a cleaning closet open. Stomach in knots he dashes towards it, not sure what he’ll find.

Wanda on her knees, hands glowing red on Y/N’s forehead, is not at all what he had predicted. Horrified that Wanda was using her mind tricks on Y/N he harshly pushes Wanda aside, moving to take her spot in front of Y/N. The second Wanda’s hands leave though, Y/N begins to shake and hyperventilate.

He doesn’t know what to do as he watches her sob in a blind panic. Wanda thankfully pushes Bucky aside and replaces her hands. Y/N immediately calms down and Bucky apologizes profusely to the witch, who mumbles back telling him to shut up so she can concentrate.

He does as Wanda says, watching Y/N calm down even more until Wanda finally pulls her hands away. He leans in to hold her hand, to soothe, to do something, but he’s not sure what she needs. He strokes her hair in hopes to ease her anxiety and apologizes to Wanda again. Y/N tries to move to stand, but she is still so shaky, she can't. Bucky props her up against a wall and supports her. His metal arm around her body, his flesh hand still stroking her hair in the way he knows she likes.

Bucky turns to Wanda who is sitting on the hallway floor just outside the door, looking exhausted. “What should we do?” he asks her softly, not wanting to startle Y/N. Wanda shrugs, “get her out of here, I guess? Take her home?”

Bucky thinks, unsure what the best option would be. He’s not sure if her roommates would be home, although she did say they often went out at night. He’s also not sure if she would even want them to be home or not. He checks his watch, it’s nearly three, she’s had a busy day and probably needs her rest.

He could put her to bed in his room like when she was sick, but would that be what she wants? He’s still thinking when he hears her take in a deep shaky breath. “I can't do this, I have to quit, I can't do this,” her face falls into her hands as she starts to cry again. Bucky’s heart breaks watching her like this and makes a decision. This environment was too overwhelming right now, he would take her home in the quinjet.

Bucky gently moves Y/N away from the wall and tells her softly, “don’t think about that now. I'll help you figure this out. I promise.” He picks her up easily in his arms and stands up. Her head rests on his shoulder, he can feel tears wet his shirt. He walks to the garage, Wanda following him a few paces behind. “Taking her home?” Wanda asks simply, looking sad. He nods in response, carrying Y/N away from the overwhelming team.

“I'll keep them busy, tell them you're taking her home, that she’ll be alright,” Wanda offers, turning to head back towards the kitchen. He doesn’t respond to her, but he doesn’t need to. Wanda already knows how grateful he is for her help, and she doesn’t have to read his mind to know it either.

He holds her tight to his body, whispering little things to her. Telling her that he’s got her, that she’s safe, that it’s going to be okay, that she’s going to be okay, that they’re going to be okay. Maybe has just trying to convince himself, but his words do seem to help her. Her heartbeat slows to a normal pace and her breathing evens out. She falls asleep in his arms before the even get on the quinjet.

Once on the quinjet he lays her down across a few seats. Putting a seatbelt around her for the takeoff he sits in the cockpit. It mostly flies itself, thanks to Stark technology, but it’s too weird for him to not at least pretend to have control. He sets course for the Tower and off they go. Now in the air and on a steady course, he moves back to Y/N, who's still asleep. He sits on the floor of the quinjet by her and rubs her back. He feels so, so terrible about everything, he’s unsure of what to do.

Maybe if he hadn’t pushed her into taking the job. Maybe if he hadn’t bought her the flowers for her interview. Maybe if he had smiled at her during the happy birthday song. Maybe if he had noticed her leave and beat those guys up. Maybe if he had noticed her leave the second time then he could’ve prevented this break down. Maybe if he was a better person. Maybe if he had just left her alone in the first place.

Aware that he was taking things to the extreme, he focuses on solving the problem at hand. She needed a job and a place to live. She needed a job where she felt adequate and confident, and she needed a safe place to live that was close to her job. These were solvable problems; he could help her. Cheering up a little at his plans for how to help, he gets back into the pilot’s seat to pretend to help land the quinjet.

Now back in Manhattan, he gently wakes Y/N up. She awake with a jump, afraid and unsure of what is happening, and it reminds him of himself.  He used to fall asleep in random places all the time before, never being able to sleep in his own bed. Steve would wake him up after finding him on his bathroom floor or in a corner of the pantry, and so he knows exactly what it’s like to wake up and be afraid of who you are or what you’ve done.

Before she can rile herself up too much, he talks to her soothingly, “hey, it’s alright. You’re on the quinjet, I’m taking you back home to your apartment. You’re safe, I’m here.” He doesn’t touch her, not yet, instead he gives her space to wake fully. Once she understands what happened and where she is, she falls into his arms for a hug.

“I’m so so so sorry, Bucky,” she whimpers into his chest. “Hey, it’s alright, no big deal. Anxiety happens to everyone, right?” She smiles a little from hearing the words she told him so long ago.

He helps her out of the quinjet and inside the still empty Tower. “Stark’s got a car here I can drive, or would you prefer to walk?” he asks her, showing the keys in one hand. She wobbles on her feet a little, “car please.” He nods, happy to do anything she wants him to do.

As they drive to her apartment, the car is silent save for soft classical music. Her hands are still shaking slightly, but her breathing is calm. He parks the car and moves around to her side to help her out. She accepts his help and she gives him the keys to her apartment. There’s no elevator, and so they take the four flights up, moving slowly. Bucky wants to pick her up in his arms and carry up to her room, but he lets her go up herself, holding her hand the entire time.

Finally, they make it to her apartment, and no one is home. The living area is small, but cozy. Soft blankets on an old couch, a small TV on a wobbly looking stand. It’s all very clean, the sink empty of dishes, and he finds himself wondering if it’s Y/N that likes it this way or one of her other roommates.

There’s a note on the tiny kitchen table reading, “Went out. Hope you had a good first day! We want to hear all about it later, Mrs. Barnes!” Blushing a little at the nickname Y/N’s roommates had given her, he follows her into her bedroom.

It’s a tiny room, so small it should be claustrophobic, but instead he finds it comfortable. Y/N does too, visibly relaxing and even smiling as she enters her bedroom. The bed takes up most of the room, but there’s still plenty to look at.

There’s pictures on a wall: Y/N as a baby, Y/N in a cap and gown with a kind looking man next to her, Y/N and some kids climbing a tree. He's proud to be able to identify her easily. There’s a worn-down novel an arm’s reach from her bed, a half-eaten bar of chocolate on top of her dresser, a pair of red rainboots in the corner.

Y/N sits on the bed, watching Bucky look around her room in awe of it all. He finally turns to her, grinning brightly. “It’s not much,” she says, sounding small, “but I can't afford much else.” Bucky shakes his head, giving the small room another once over, “no, it’s great! It’s like meeting you all over again.” She laughs a little at this and relaxes into her pillows. He wasn’t joking at all though, he really feels as though he knows a whole new side of her now.

“Well,” Y/N says, “I’m gonna take a shower and then probably go to bed.” She yawns and unnecessarily informs him, “I’m exhausted.” Despite her nap on the flight over here, she is still emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. He smiles at her and watches her grab a towel.

Bucky looks around the room again, still intrigued by all of her personal belongings. Once upon a time he had things like this, but that was all before the war, now things didn’t matter to him. Pictures of his childhood just brought sadness and regret, and home décor was not something he had ever found so interesting before as he did now. Maybe he should spend more time and energy into turning his new room at the Compound into a home.

“Make yourself at home,” she adds with a smile, leaving her room to go shower. And he does make himself at home in this tiny space. He relaxes on her bed and soaks it all up, wanting to remember every little detail, but also wondering if she did even want to leave this apartment. She had mentioned that she wasn’t that close with her roommates, but the note on the kitchen table begged to differ. Maybe she would want to stay and find a job in the city instead.

Before he can think about it too much she comes back into her bedroom, just in a towel. “Forgot clothes,” she murmurs, digging around in a dresser. “Turn around and don’t you dare peek,” she instructs.

He does as she says, turning and covering his eyes with his hands. He’s grinning a little at her commands, but he also wants to respect her privacy. “Okay done,” she says, and he turns back around. She’s just in a t-shirt and pajama shorts, nothing too different from what he’s seen her in before, but he’s still in awe of how beautiful she is.

Bucky watches her as she yawns again and stretches, part of her stomach showing. He can't help but stare as she moves towards him and the bed, yawns for the third time, and climbs in under the covers. “You’re welcome to stay,” she tells Bucky sweetly. He can’t help but blush a little bit. He wants to stay, to be with her, but he remembers the long emotional day she’s had, and he doesn’t want to push. He did say that they would take it slow, and he wants to keep his word.

“No, I’ll head out in a bit,” he tells her, watching her face for any sign that she wants him to leave now. “Stay as long as you want, Bucky,” she tells him, snuggling into a pillow. He wants so terribly to be that pillow, to have her snuggle up into him and to stay that way all night. He refrains and reminds himself once more of how exhausted she is, after all it’s not even five-o-clock and she’s ready for bed.

She seems to read his mind as she tells him, “I know it’s super early, but I got up at four this morning, so it’s been a long day for me.” Four in the morning? He’s in shock. This was the same girl he woke up at nine on a Saturday who then told him it was too early to be awake.

He hides his shock and tells her easily, “well, change your alarm, doll. I’ll be by tomorrow at eight, we’ll drive to the Tower, then I’ll fly you upstate to the Compound, okay?” She’s confused, and he worries that she’s gotten upset again when he sees her eyes begin to water.

“Oh, Bucky,” she tells him, sitting up and pulling him into another hug. “Thank you so much, you don’t know how much this means to me. This job is everything I’ve ever wanted, and I know this isn’t a permanent solution, but thank you so much!”  He wipes away her tears of joy and kisses her on the cheek. “It’s my pleasure, now you just close your eyes and get to sleep. I’ll worry about the rest for you.”

She kisses him and then lays back down. “Goodnight Bucky,” she whispers, then closes her eyes. He stays with her until she falls asleep, and then he silently leaves, closing and locking her door, but not before taking a photo of the note on her kitchen table. He drives back to the Tower and flies back to the Compound, all the while finalizing his plan for her.

Back at the Compound he expects to be met by the entire team. He assumes they all want to know what was going on if Wanda hadn’t told them already, or if she had, they would want updates. But he is proved wrong when he enters an empty common room. Or so he thinks it’s empty. Tony appears from behind the bar, holding a glass of wine. Oddly enough Tony is the exact person Bucky needs right now.

Ignoring small talk Bucky jumps right into discussing his plan for Y/N. “Stark, I need your help finding a place for Y/N to stay upstate and a job position in Manhattan.” “What?” Tony asks, not understanding at all what Bucky was getting at. “You want me to find her a place to stay here, but to also get her a new job in the city?” Stark questions. “Yes, exactly,” Bucky says, sitting down at the bar.

Tony walks around to join him, “well the place upstate is easy, we have lots of empty rooms here or she could just move in with you, you know.” Bucky starts to interrupt, but Stark doesn’t let him, “as for the new position in the city, it can be done, but I don’t understand. She currently lives in the city and commutes to work upstate, now you want her to do the opposite?”

“No,” Bucky says stiffly, “I want her to do neither. But I also want her to be able to choose what she wants, so I want to give her both options.” “Okay I can work with that,” Tony says, thinking hard. “I can have a room set up here as early as tomorrow if you don’t want her in your quarters,” he says, taking a sip of wine. “No,” Bucky repeats, “not here, I don’t want her to feel any pressure from us. She’ll be too stressed out with a new job and with us all on top of her. She needs a separate place.”

“All of us on top of her, huh,” Tony says, “pretty sure you’ll be the only one on top of her, but I get your point. We are a little,” he pauses waving his hands aimlessly, “excessive I suppose.” Bucky nods in agreement. “So, can you get her a place somewhere near here?” Tony thinks it over, casually drinking his wine, “yeah there’s a place about 15 minutes away that would be good I think.”

“Great,” Bucky says, “I don’t know her landlord or anything about her lease, but your lawyers could probably get her out of it early, right?” “I’m sure they could work that out, yeah,” Tony answers, looking at Bucky curiously. “And a job in the city? You could transfer her to a new position there?” Bucky presses.

“Sure, I can do that too, but Barnes,” Tony says facing Bucky head on. “Why? Those guys that called her a slut were fired; she’ll never see them again. Why are you doing this? Why would you let her stay in the city if you’re going to be here?”

Bucky sighs a little and thinks of how to say what’s on his mind in a way the billionaire will understand. “I just want to support her in whatever she decides to do.” Tony seems to think the words over. “You're a good man, Barnes. I know I don’t act like that’s true, especially not in the past, but it is true. You are a good man.”

And with that Tony Stark pats Bucky once on the back and leaves. Looking at the glass of unfinished wine left behind, Bucky wishes he could get drunk. Drinking it anyway, not wanting to waste, he too leaves to go to bed.

Tuesday morning Bucky does exactly what he said he would. He flies from the Compound to the Tower, picks her up at her apartment at eight, drives her to the Tower, then flies her back to the Compound for work. It’s a hassle for sure, but it’s something he’s willing to do for the rest of his life, if it’s what she wants. The commute isn’t all that terrible though. Sure, the traffic in the city is insane, and surely Stark will start to charge him for flying his plane every day, but his company is excellent.

Y/N is in a much better mood than the day before, having gotten a proper night’s sleep. They talk happily during the drive and she’s excited although a little bit nervous to get on the quinjet. She’s been on it before obviously, but she had been asleep, and now fully awake she’s a little scared to see that there is no real pilot. “You’re flying this thing?” she asks him, doubt clear in her voice, once he’s lead her to the copilot’s seat. He laughs a little at the idea, “no, it’s all automated, I just like to sit here in case something goes wrong.”

“And if something does go wrong,” she asks curiously, “will you know how to fix it?” He shakes his head, “honestly, probably not. But I’ve flown in this thing a million times and the only time there’s every been a problem was when we were shot down from the sky.” She’s aghast at the notion of being shot out of the sky.

“Don’t worry,” he tells her, “that was in Russia years ago. There’s no danger here, and besides I’m sure Stark added enough upgrades that if there were an incoming missile, the quinjet would move itself out of the way or shoot down the missile or something to keep us safe.”

After they take off and are in the clear blue skies, he pulls out a brown bag hidden under his seat. He hands it to her nervously. She takes it looking confused. “Uh happy belated birthday?” he says, wishing he was more suave and less nervous. She opens the brown bag to find a small rectangle covered in red wrapping paper. She opens it carefully and reveals a paperback novel.

“Sorry, I know it’s not much, I can get you something better if you’d like,” he tells her nervously. “I got it last night, after I left your place. I saw the list of books you wanted to read as your bookmark. At least I assumed that’s what that list was,” he babbles. He’s worried now, that he’s completely mistaken. Maybe those were a list of books she owned already, or even a list of books that she hated.

“No, Bucky its perfect!” she announces before he can overthink anything else. “I love it! I’ve been wanting to read this one for ages! Thank you so much!” She unbuckles her seatbelt and gives him a hug. “I’ll start it right now!” she proclaims, flipping it open to read.

“Not now,” he protests, but it’s too late. She’s seen the handwritten inscription he wrote last night. He had written three rough drafts to get it right, and somehow, he still managed to have a few cross outs on the page itself. She reads the inscription out loud in a soft voice, thoroughly embarrassing Bucky.

“Y/N, Happy 26thBirthday. I know I’ve only known you for about a month now, but it feels like so much longer. I’m sorry your actual birthday wasn’t better, but I hope that I can somehow make up for it. I like you a lot and I hope that you still feel the same way about me. I know the team can be a little overwhelming sometimes, but just let me know when they’re annoying you and we can get away. You are so amazing and wonderful; I only want the best for you. I’m so happy we met. You can give me directions any time you want. Yours, Bucky”

She looks it over, smiling softly, probably rereading it again. “You weren’t supposed to read that until later when I wasn’t here.” He’s embarrassed to hear his own words in her voice. “And I’m sorry if it’s hard to read, I know my cursive is a little messy,” he adds, not sure of what else to say.

“No, I like it,” she tells him, closing the book and smiling broadly, “a little old fashioned, maybe, but I think its romantic.” She stands up again and gives him another hug, whispering, “thank you so much, Bucky.” She kisses him then sits back in her seat.

He’s grinning now too, excited that she had enjoyed his present, even found it romantic. He’s so caught up in his own joy, he is perplexed to hear Y/N’s next words. “You really shouldn’t have though, Bucky. You’re already doing so much for me and even after I ruined everything yesterday.” She’s embarrassed and he doesn’t like that. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Remember our first date when I freaked out?” he asks her.

“Yes, but yours wasn’t nearly as bad as mine, and well,” she says mumbling a little, unsure how to explain herself. “That doesn’t matter," he interrupts, "there’s no competition of who has the worst anxiety,” he tells her, reaching for her hand. “Yes, but you’ve had so much more trauma,” she stammers, giving his hand a squeeze, “you’ve been through so much more, I have no right to put you through all of my crap.”

“Nonsense,” he tells her, “there’s no competition of who’s been through the most pain. There’s always going to be someone who has had it even worse, so it doesn’t matter. We all deal with our struggles in different ways. Just because I’ve been through a lot doesn’t mean I don’t have compassion for you. It helps me to be able to help you!” She refuses to look him in the eyes, still thinking about what he’s saying.

“You wouldn’t want me to be embarrassed about when I panicked during our first date would you?” he asks. “No of course not,” she answers quickly. “Well then I don’t want you to feel embarrassed about yesterday.” She nods at this and finally looks him in the eye. “Thank you, Bucky. You seem to know just what to say to make me feel better.” He smiles at that, and they sit quietly, holding hands for the rest of the short flight.

Once they land, he walks her through the Avengers’ private area of the Compound, accompanying her to her office. “Do you want me to walk you there, or would you prefer I stay here?” he asks her once they reach the office building. “I’m not sure,” she admits, stopping in the overpass that connects the buildings.

“Okay, I’ll stay here,” he tells her, deciding that she probably wants to keep whatever remaining anonymity she has left. “Oh, and by the way,” he adds casually, making her stop to look back at him, “those two men from yesterday have been moved to a new location doing a new job. So, you’ll never have to see or interact with them ever again.” She stares at his face unimpressed, “so, you fired them?” she asks.

“Yeah, Stark fired them. Wasn’t sure if it would make you more upset to hear that, but yeah that kind of talk was completely unacceptable for a workplace,” he tells her in complete honesty. She nods her head at this information and turns to enter the other building. “Oh, and one more thing,” he calls out, forcing her to turn around again, “come to our kitchen when you’re done with your day.” “Okay,” she says turning back around once more.

“Wait!” he calls out, moving to her side again. “One last thing,” he whispers, giving her a long kiss goodbye. She’s blushing when he pulls away and he loves that he can do that to her. “Have a good day, darling!” he says confidently and turns to walk away. He leaves her with a smile on his face, the image of her shaking her head at the sight of him, a giant grin covering her face, stuck in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind Bucky is the ultimate problem solver. He sees the issue at hand and his first reaction is to do anything in his power to fix it, instead of panic which is what I usually do. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel any less guilty about it. The first version I wrote showed him freaking out a bit more, but I figured he should be better at handling stress so I changed it. Hope you still like it!


	14. Chapter 14

Tuesday is a huge improvement from your chaotic first day yesterday. Your coworkers don’t mention the birthday celebration, except to ask if you had a good birthday. You answer back politely that yes you had a great day, after all they do know you had a half day, just not the reasoning behind it. Not even a new message taped the refrigerator about office conduct and appropriate language can ruin your day.

Some of your coworkers are a bit suspicious of you, but you work hard and hope that you’ll have a chance to prove yourself soon enough. Most of them seem friendly enough though, your cubicle mate splitting their bagel with you. Most of the employees are hardworking and dedicated to their jobs, so there’s not much small talk, for which you are grateful. You're still learning about the new systems and programs, but you’re a fast learner and pick it up easily.

The day goes by quickly and soon it’s five and everyone starts to pack up to go home. Your new cubicle mate waves a quick goodbye and tells you that she’ll see you tomorrow. You smile and tell her to have a good night, excited at the prospect of having a new work friend. You take your time gathering your things, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that you won't actually be leaving, just going to the building next door to meet Bucky.

Once the majority have left and the rest who are staying late are focused on their work, you leave. However, when you step away from your desk, you’re immediately nervous that you won't actually be able to enter the private area of the Compound, not having an Avenger with you. Unsure if you should just walk outside and call Bucky to let you in, you approach the door to their building slowly, hoping that no one will enter the overpass from where you came from.

You look around for a keypad or a fingerprint scanner, but there’s nothing in sight. Maybe there was no lock, and anyone could get in? That didn’t seem right, but you reach for the door handle just in case. A small shock goes through you as you touch the door handle and you pull away in surprise.

Checking your hand and seeing no damage, you replace your hand carefully on the handle. This time you watch to see what happens and as you feel the slight shock you can see it glow slightly. It must have your prints in the system somehow, because you're able to open the door and step inside without starting any alarms. Wondering how and when you were added to their system, you walk through to the large main kitchen.

“Hello?” you call out as you approach, not wanting to startle anyone and cause a Natasha fight response like before. “Come on in, sit down,” Tony Stark calls out in response. He’s sitting at the kitchen island on a bar stool, dressed in a fashionable suit, and you nervously smooth your hair down, worried that you look like a mess.

“Hi,” you say as you get close, watching him pull out the stool next to his for you to sit. “I, uh, was hoping Bucky would be here?” you say nervously, unsure what to say or why he wasn’t confused that you were here at all. “He told me to come by after work, do you know where he is?” You look around the empty room a second time, just in case Bucky was hiding in the corners.

“He’s off somewhere,” Stark says vaguely, “but he told you to come so that you could talk with me.” You’re confused and anxious and scared all at once, but Stark takes it all in stride, pouring you a generous drink. You take a large gulp and turn to face the billionaire, interested to hear what he has to say but also terrified that it will be bad news.

“Bucky’s okay, right? He’s not injured or anything, is he?” you blurt out, suddenly worried that this is more serious than you had originally assumed. “No, your boyfriend is in perfect health,” he tells you making you a blush a little. Bucky wasn’t officially your boyfriend, not yet anyway.

Stark’s voice interrupts your daydream of being Bucky’s girlfriend. “Anyway, I got you an apartment fifteen minutes from here. I felt bad that you didn’t have a place to live upstate and that the stress of commuting was too much for you which led to your breakdown at your little party.” You're confused at his fast words, trying to comprehend what is happening.  “Think of it as a late birthday present. Or as an apology for how terrible your birthday was yesterday,” he continues, shrugging as he speaks casually.

“But that’s not all of it,” he continues, “you have a few options. Taking the apartment up here is probably your best bet, but I could also transfer you to a position in the city if you’d prefer. Then you could just stay in your current apartment. The position might not be as good, but that way you’d get to keep your current space.”

You open your mouth to speak, but he continues, “it’s up to you. Think it over first though, don’t make any rash decisions. Oh, and don’t let any moving costs hinder you. I can get you out of your current lease in a second and I know of a few super soldiers that can move some heavy boxes if necessary.”

Your shocked face must be amusing because he smirks a little at your mouth agape. Finally, you find your words, “but why are you doing this?” He pauses a moment before responding, still sounding more causal than you thought appropriate for someone offering a place to live. “Well it’s not like I’m short on funds, plus you're gonna still be paying for most of it. I’ll take it out of your paycheck myself if I have to,” he teases.

“Besides,” he adds softer, “I owe Barnes, and well, you make him happy so I guess this is just another way I can make amends.” You blush a little after hearing that you make Bucky happy and you think about what all of this would mean to you and your life. “So how many roommates would I have? Can I meet them first?” you ask him. He laughs a little at that and you start to worry again. Was he laughing at you, had you missed something obvious?

“No roommates,” he tells you, smiling kindly, “property is cheaper here, you know.” You're a little embarrassed to not have thought of that, but you shake it off. “You’ll have more space too, be able to see a little more nature,” he adds. “And I’m sure Barnes’ll be inviting you over here all the time anyway.”

You blush again at his insinuations. You are kind of nervous to live on your own, but your excitement is outweighing your nerves. “Thank you so, so much Mr. Stark,” you tell him, “I don’t know what to say, this means so much to me!” He shrugs at your thanks and tells you, “no need to thank me. Barnes planned all of this out for you, I just made a few calls.”

You're shocked and although you wouldn’t have thought it possible a few minutes ago, you’re even happier knowing that Bucky had a hand in this. “Is he around? I have to thank him!” you say excitedly, standing up to find Bucky. Stark shrugs again and then nods his head to the walk-in pantry. You turn to look and to your disbelief Bucky himself creeps out of the shadows.

“Sorry I was eavesdropping,” Bucky says shyly, “I thought it might be better if it was just Stark. Guess I didn’t think it all the way through though.” He sits down next to you at the bar, grabbing your hand.  “You didn’t want to tell me yourself?” you ask curiously, sitting back down.

“Well, yes I wanted to be the one to tell you, but I also didn’t want my presence to sway your decision.” He gives Stark a glare, “which is why I told you to keep your mouth shut.” You giggle a little bit as Tony sticks his tongue out childishly at Bucky. “I didn’t say a word about your poorly chosen hiding place,” Tony adds cheerfully.

“I wanted to tell you myself, but I was also nervous to see what you would think,” he admits softly, turning his attention back to you. “You could also move to the new apartment and keep your old one. I can help you pay for it; it’s not a big deal, I have too much money to know what to do with,” he adds, looking at you carefully, trying to decipher what you were thinking.

“No, Bucky,” you say shocked, “I can't ask you to do that! I don’t want a handout so really this apartment sounds perfect as long as I am the one paying for all of it.” You think over how thoughtful this plan was for you. “Thank you so much Bucky. Really it means a lot that you worked out all of the little details for me. It’s very sweet of you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Feeling braver now that Bucky is by your side, you turn to face Stark, then announce, “I think I’ll go with the apartment upstate and keep my current job, if that’s fine with you?” “You’re all done thinking?” Mr. Stark asks, wanting you to be sure. “No take backs. Stay upstate, work here and move into a new apartment is your final decision?” You nod confidently saying, “yes!” You turn to Bucky who is grinning brilliantly at you. “Well then you had better start packing,” Stark tells you before leaving you and Bucky alone in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe you weren’t gonna tell me it was you!” You say giving Bucky a small smack on the chest. “You were just gonna let Stark take all the credit for your hard work?” Bucky smiles at that but stays quiet. You grab your work bag and start to walk to the garage to go back to your apartment to start to pack to move.

You laugh a little at your good fortune, then casually say, “who knows, maybe then I’d be falling in love with Stark instead of.” You instantly freeze realizing what you were about to say. You turn around slowly to see that Bucky’s face is frozen too, just waiting to hear what’s next.

“You,” you whisper, softly finishing your sentence. Turning back towards Bucky you step towards him, feeling suddenly fearless. “Cause I am falling in love with you Bucky Barnes. And maybe it’s too fast and I’m crazy, but it’s true I swear it.”

Bucky still looks shocked, but he moves towards you and pulls you close.  You’re not sure what’s happening or what he’s going to do, but then he kisses you long and hard. Holding both of your hands in his and grinning wildly he tells you, “that sounds like the perfect amount of crazy to me, because Y/N, I think I’m falling in love with you too."


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the tenses in this chapter are a bit wonky but hopefully it’s not too distracting. It’s also crazy long, but I didn’t want to split it up so here you go! Thanks for reading! I hope you like it!

Bucky doesn’t have the best memory, and with that comes a confusing timeline, but there are certain things he remembers that he hopes he’ll never forget. After meeting Y/N at the start of October, things had moved quickly. They had only hung out a few times, but their connection was so natural, that even after she started her job at the Compound, things felt right.

Of course, things hadn’t all gone right. There were plenty of hiccups especially on her birthday, but he preferred to focus on the happier moments. For example, when he had brought Sam and Steve over to her apartment to help her move to her new apartment upstate.

Sam had flirted with her roommates, but her roommates oddly enough seemed to be into it. She had laughed at Sam’s pick-up lines and had even tried some of them on him later that night when just the two of them had set up her new place.

Their relationship had grown fast, but its consistency had helped him to learn that all else aside: she is someone he can count on. And rely on her he does as they pass through the holidays together. Thanksgiving dinner is a more intimate affair, just the team and a few extra people, such as Happy, Maria Hill and Nick Fury himself. Clint’s off with his family, but Y/N comes since she has nowhere else to go and her calming effect thankfully comes with her.

He’s normally a nervous wreck during the holidays, stressing about what he should be doing to enjoy it rather than actually enjoying it. With her by his side though, he finds himself thoroughly enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, even if Steve’s turkey is a bit dry. It's their first real holiday together and he can already picture her by his side for the next dozen Thanksgivings.

Winter comes and with it the snow. Snow that only reminded Bucky of his miserable years as the Winter Soldier. Memories of waking up alone half dead with one arm torn off, being dragged to a fate worse than death begin to haunt him again. But they don’t last as long as the year before, not when Y/N gives him new memories of being in the snow. Ice skating on the frozen lake, snowball fights, making snow angels, and his favorite: curling up by the fire with Y/N by his side watching the snow fall through the large windows.

Christmas is next and he’s nervous at what to give her. The rest of the team is easy in comparison. Steve gets some new drawing pencils and an expensive camera that Bucky knows he’s been eying even if the punk won’t admit it. For Tony a watch picked out by Pepper; Pepper a watch picked out by Tony. It’s a bit of a cop out, Steve tells him, but it’s not like Stark really needs anything anyway. Besides Bucky’s clueless about fashion.

Sam gets socks, another cop out according to Steve, but Bucky disagrees. The Falcon is always complaining about Bucky stealing his socks, and well, this way there’ll be more for the both of them. At least some of them have different patterns, although again, Bucky doesn’t have much fashion sense. His idea of a quality outfit is met by one condition: is it black?

For Wanda he buys a cookbook filled with meals that he may or may not want her to make for him, although he is sure that she will truly enjoy the gift. Vision gets a sweater because to be honest, he really doesn’t know what else to get the robotic man.

Steve informs him soon after purchasing it that Vision doesn’t even wear real clothes, just phases to look that way, but Bucky lost the receipt for the sweater and there’s no way he’s gonna revisit the mall just for an exchange. Add in the fact that he’ll have to find something else for Vision, and he decides that it is just not worth it.

Natasha is the easiest, a bottle of her favorite vodka, no need to even wrap it. Bruce and Clint are trickier; he barely knows Clint and Bruce is hard for him to understand most of the time, even when he’s not in his green form. He teams up with Steve and gets a scientific book that Steve swears Banner will love (Bucky finding that very hard to believe after paging through it and only understanding half of the words) and a new gym bag for Clint. He’s even extra generous and pays for half of the toys Steve buys for Barton’s kids.

He’s not sure any of them will even like their gifts all that much, except for Nat, but he also doesn’t really care. He just wants Y/N’s gift to be absolutely perfect.

Nothing seems good enough for her though, and all of his teammates’ ideas are garbage, so it’s already December 23rdby the time he figures it out. She’s mentioned travel before, and although he had already believed he had seen enough of the world, he is open to seeing something new with her by his side. Therefore, a little get away trip to the destination of her dreams seems like a safe enough bet.

He spends nearly the full 48 hours before Christmas on the computer, planning their vacation. Plane tickets are unnecessary with quinjet access, but lodging, food, activities and more need to be determined. Christmas Eve afternoon, a few hours before she’s due to come over for dinner, he begins to stress that it’s still not enough. Quickly going all out by adding all of the team’s recommendations for presents to his online shopping cart, he is thankful for Stark’s fast delivery services.

It’s altogether unnecessary he decides when the gifts all arrive an hour later and crowd his bedroom. He knows that she doesn’t really care what he gets her. That she’ll be happy with just about anything, but he does want her to know that he cares and put it in the effort. And effort is very much put in once he has meticulously wrapped each and every present in colorful patterned paper.

Another hour later and they’re at dinner, her sitting across from him looking like a vision in a gorgeous red dress. He finds it hard to concentrate on Steve’s speech, or on Tony’s or on the food, when she’s there laughing and talking and eating. He makes enough conversation though and doesn’t spill his wine or gravy so it’s a success in his mind.

He does start to get nervous again during dessert, wondering if maybe he should’ve gotten her a puppy or a diamond necklace. Those fears are stopped once he meets her gaze and sees the joy in her eyes. She’s laughing at something Wanda has said and this, this right here is the best present he could ask for. He doesn’t need anything else except her and his family all together here having a good time making fun of Sam’s bird costume.

He manages not to think about presents for the rest of Christmas Eve. Although it could be because of the fact that Y/N is planning to stay over for the night. Not in his room or anything, but a guest room on the same floor, and the proximity is thrilling to say the least. He knows he shouldn’t be so weird about it, that he needs to relax and realize that it is perfectly normal for her to be so close, but he just can’t help it. He is drawn to her and her to him, and when he stops by her door to say goodnight, well it doesn’t end there.

Christmas morning, he wakes up in his bed, her by his side. He’s a bit confused at first, then afraid that he had been reckless to let her stay but watching her breathe and snuggle into his chest he forgets all of that. He could’ve had a nightmare or a panic attack, but he didn’t. And yes, that is something he should’ve discussed last night before they fell asleep completely exhausted, but no harm done and it’s not like he can change the past anyway.

Their lazy morning is soon interrupted by the sound of Christmas music playing through every possible speaker in the Compound. Bucky, unaware that he even had speakers in his bedroom, let alone his bathroom, is in shock, but Y/N wakes in a good mood. She stretches in bed and they kiss for a while to tune of Jingle Bells, but then Sam’s at the door, telling them to hurry up and come downstairs to open presents.

She adores his present, presents actually. Each and every last one resulting in a gasp or a grin or some form of happiness, and he soaks it all in. She skims over each novel, tries on each sweater. He doesn’t think he could be any happier, but of course, it turns out he can. Her gift to him is even more perfect than he had thought possible.

A handmade scrapbook, full of pictures and memories both new and old. She’s a bit embarrassed about it and explains that Steve did a lot of the work, but her handwriting is there and so are her poorly drawn hearts, and he has to stop himself from crying. He fails at that to be honest, tears falling softly into her shoulder and then again into Steve’s but it’s the best Christmas and best present he’s ever received.

The rest of the team thank him for their presents from him, but it all pales in comparison with Y/N opening his final gift: the trip. She actually jumps for joy when she reads the note and sees the plane tickets. Ignoring the rest of the room she runs through the torn wrapping paper and jumps right into his open arms. They kiss and he changes his mind once more. This, this right here is the best present he’s ever received. He feels so privileged to get the chance to be with her.

Their kiss ends with them both gasping for air, noses still touching, eyes locked on one another. The rest of the team applauds and cheers, Tony whistles loudly, and the two of them laugh, a little embarrassed by their public display of affection, but not regretting it one bit. It’s the best Christmas ever and Bucky never wants it to end.

It does end, but as Y/N teasingly remarks, “if fourth times the charm is true for us then I had better start preparing now for our fourth Christmas.” It’s perhaps a little presumptuous to assume that the two of them will have three more Christmases together, but Bucky doesn’t mind that she’s thinking ahead. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been dreaming of the next fifty Christmases with her by his side.

Fourth times the charm does seem to be true for them though. Bucky had hung out with her three times before they had managed to go on a real first date. They had almost kissed three times before it finally happened. Who knew if this unluckiness would keep happening?

Not that he would change a single thing about any of it. He’s good with the way things have turned out, better than good actually. Life is so great he’d be too scared to go back and change anything even if he did have a time machine. (Although Bruce had tried to explain to him multiple times that time didn’t actually work that way at all.)

Life had really started on an upswing for Bucky and not just in terms of his love life. Work had been going good for him too. There were fewer and fewer missions each month, and he no longer felt the need to bury himself in work. He could just enjoy life, because he understood now that he deserved it. He didn’t owe anyone anything; he was free to do as he pleased.

Work had gotten much better for Y/N too. Her first day had been straight out of a nightmare, but she had really turned things around. Y/N had proven herself to be good at her job time and time again, which of course killed off all the rumors that she had been hired due to her connections. She was hardworking and intelligent, and he was so proud of all that she did, even if he didn’t really understand what it was.

One late January night at the Compound, Bucky just couldn’t imagine having to say goodbye. It was a cold and snowy night, and she hadn’t slept over since Christmas Eve. Not that she hadn’t wanted to of course. They were just trying to take things slow, and well, it was hard to make an excuse for her to stay when she only lived fifteen minutes away.

“Please stay,” he had begged and well, who was she to say no? It didn’t stop her from trying to half-heartedly resist though. “Don’t leave like that kid, Spider-Man,” he had whined much to her amusement. “Stay the night, pretty please.”

“Spider-Man’s a kid?” she had asked, turning around to face him, a suspicious look on her face. “Yeah, he’s like sixteen and in high school,” Bucky had said laughing a little at her attempt to distract. “Anyway, as I was saying, don’t leave like Spider-Man.” She had raised her eyebrows at that, and he had happily memorized the expression. 

“Stark invited him to live at the Compound, but the kid said no. So now Stark’s all upset which puts pressure on Steve which puts stress on me, which is why, baby, you have to spend the night.” She had laughed out loud at his reasoning but kissed him anyway. He had grinned at her, enjoying the sound of her laugh, and adoring the fact that he caused it.

“Wasn’t that months ago?” she had asked, “didn’t that all happen in like November?” He had shaken his head widely, “nope, you’re totally wrong, this is a very recent issue.” She had kissed his nose, knowing full well that Bucky was being ridiculous on purpose. She had melted right back into his arms after shaking her head in disbelief that he could be so silly.

She had then sighed dramatically saying, “well if you insist.” His smile had been about a mile wide at that point and she had felt the happiness radiating off of him. “Just this one time though, Bucky,” she had added, but he knew it was a lie and so did she. He had kissed the top of her head and refrained from calling her out on it.

“Just because this damn spider kid wouldn’t move in,” she had paused then added under her breath, “three months ago.” He had laughed as she continued, “I’ll stay one night.” He had laughed some more thinking of her sassy comment and at her name for Spider-Man, but her last words were his favorite. She would stay. He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tight, never wanting to let go.

Soon ‘just this one time’ became a weekly occurrence and shortly after that in February, Bucky’s room turned into Bucky and Y/N’s room. The other Avengers teased the two of them incessantly over this, but truth be told they were happy for both of them. Not too long ago they were unsure of how Bucky would work with others, and he here he is getting more ass than I am, as Sam would say much to Steve’s discomfort.

The team is still mostly the same, save for the new addition of a teenager from Queens, who stops by every so often to eat all of their food then swing away leaving small notes in apology. The notes are all signed by the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, but even without them the webs left behind are a dead giveaway.

And so the team is still the same as they’ve ever been. They’re loud and obnoxious and way too invested in Bucky and Y/N’s relationship. They really didn’t understand boundaries, and although some of those tendencies could be explained away for Vision and even Thor when he visited, the rest of them needed a lesson in minding their own business.

Y/N had only just started sleeping over when the entire team had seemingly decided that they could invite themselves anywhere. Bucky and Y/N had been cuddling on the couch in the common area watching a movie when Sam and Steve had joined them. Then Wanda was there with Vision, and their quiet night alone had altogether disappeared.

Y/N didn’t usually mind it, but Bucky knew it was starting to get on her nerves, especially since she, like him, was so introverted. She needed time to herself to recharge. Although that was something that she could do with Bucky around, she couldn’t with the entire team present.

That evening in bed they had talked about it. “You know I think the rest of the team needs to get out more,” she had started off casually enough. He had listened carefully, curious to know what she would say next. “They need to interact with more people, see more relationships. They’re always so intrigued by us you know.”  

He had nodded, encouraging her to keep talking, as he climbed into bed beside her. She had rolled over to face him, her nose inches from his. “Like tonight when we were cuddling,” she had paused to think of a more extreme case, “or on my birthday last year where they all stared and joined in on our personal conversation. They should’ve known that’s not normal.”

Bucky laughs a little at her phrasing, “they’re not normal, doll. I think that’s kinda the point.” She had shrugged in a noncommittal agreement. She knew that he was right, that they’re not normal, but that doesn’t mean she has to give up anything because of it.

“I know they’re not normal,” she had finally said after rolling over to turn off the bedside lamp, sounding a little irked, “they’re a combination of human and god and muscle and magic and super serum and metal and technology and I don’t get it at all, but I also can’t see why they can't learn some manners.”

He had wanted to laugh, but also knew that it would upset her, so he had kissed her nose and said, “you’re absolutely right darling, I’ll talk to them about it tomorrow, let’s just go to bed.” She had given him a kiss goodnight and laid on her back, staring up at their ceiling fan.

“I’m just saying that if I’m ever gonna live here they had better learn some proper manners.” He had grinned wildly at that last mumble. He had brought up her moving in with him a few times already, but it was slow going.

“Okay, doll whatever you say,” he had said to a sleepy Y/N.  “I’ll convince them.” He had leaned over to kiss her on the face. Her eyes had been closed and she was about to fall asleep, but rethinking her words about moving in, he suddenly had had too much energy.

He had crawled over her, moving to lay on top of her, his arms supporting his weight. She had tried to hide the smile forming on her face, but he wasn’t planning on going to go to bed without hearing a giggle.

“Anything,” he had kissed her nose, “for,” a kiss on the cheek, “you,” a kiss on the other cheek. “My,” a forehead kiss, “love,” a final kiss on the lips and he had gotten his wish: a laugh from his beloved. He had then rolled back over to his side of the bed, allowing Y/N to curl into his side and nuzzle her head into his chest. “I love you,” she murmured, finally falling asleep. “I love you too, Y/N. I love you too.”

A month later for his birthday Bucky has another plan. He knows it’s not right, that he’s not supposed to do any of the planning for his own birthday, but he can’t help himself. Besides it’s really a present for himself, he decides. So, on March tenth after a wonderful steak dinner cooked by Y/N he asks her for a favor. “A favor?” she had said confused, “it’s your birthday silly, did you forget?”

He had shaken his head at her, smiling mischievously. “Are you gonna let me ask, doll, or not? It is my birthday after all.” She had agreed and sat back down in her chair. “This is really a present for me,” he had started, the tiniest bit of nerves blooming in his chest, “but I think you’ll like it too.” “Just tell me, Bucky,” she had said, grabbing both of his hands from across the table and squeezing them.

“Will you move in with me?” he had asked and before she could respond he had started his reasoning. “You practically live her anyway, it’ll be a shorter commute to work, most of your stuff is here already, it’ll be easy to move the rest of it, I have plenty of room here,” he had a dozen more reasons but she had shushed him as she leaned over the dirty plates to give him a kiss.

“Yes, you fool,” she had said moving around the table to sit on his lap and kiss him again. “Yes, I’ll move in with you.” It’s what he had expected of course, he wouldn’t have asked if he knew that she wasn’t ready, but he’s still over the moon.

She loves him and he loves her and now they’re going to be living together. He feels like he could take over the world. Not that that’s necessary of course; his world is all right here in his arms and there’s no need to take it over, not when it already loves him for who he is.

Spring turns into summer and although it hasn’t even been a full year since they had met, Bucky feels like he’s known her for his whole life. Her moving into his quarters officially had been successful, and so far, life just seemed to keep getting better. The days were longer and sweatier and the whole team just seemed to be in a much better mood.

July rolls around and with that comes Steve’s birthday and Independence Day. Stark has planned a full day at the lake with promises off a fantastic firework show once the sun sets. Despite her excitement the night before, Y/N wakes up in a sour mood. At first he’s worried that she’s sick when he sees her slowly getting dressed in the morning. But after feeling her forehead and inspecting her a little more, he recognizes something he hasn’t seen from her in a long time: anxiety.

She’s grown more and more comfortable with the team since last fall, and now that she lives here with all of them, he hasn’t seen her nervous like this in a long time. She stares at herself in the mirror, tying up her hair then frowning and letting it all hang loose again. She keeps messing with it, and when he knows that she’s not going to stop, he goes up to her and wraps his arms around her.

“What’s wrong baby?” he murmurs into her ear, rocking back and forth slowly with her in his arms. “Nothing, Bucky, I’m just trying to do my hair,” she responds, pulling away. He didn’t expect that reaction, but he tries not to work himself up over it either. “Well then tell me what you’re thinking about, I wanna know.”

She sighs and moves back towards him, allowing herself to be embraced. He sits down on the edge of their bed, her standing between his legs, hands nervously clasped together. He takes her hands in his and repeats, “I wanna know what’s on your mind.” She sighs and moves to sit down by his side, looking down at her hands.

“I’m just really nervous I guess?” she admits shyly, hands still twisting together. He waits for her to say more, but she remains silent. “There’s nothing to be worried about, doll,” he tells her gently, holding her hands once more. “Do you not know how to swim? You’ll be safe, I promise. I won’t let anyone make fun of you if you don’t. Or are you scared of water?” he continues, rambling his own worries now.

“No, I know how to swim,” she tells him. “I’m a terrible swimmer actually, but I’ll be fine. And I’m not scared of water.” Her voice gets quieter with each word. “Then what is it darling?” he presses softly, not sure what is happening.

She leaps up and sighs dramatically, gesturing to her body with her hands. “Look at me,” she announces loudly, and look at her he does. “I’m disgusting,” she whispers, and to his horror tears are forming in her eyes. “Natasha and Wanda and Pepper they’re so gorgeous,” she sniffles, “and ugh,” she looks at herself in the mirror again, pulling up her cover up to show her stomach, “I’m so disgusting.”

Her voice is so quiet he can barely hear it, but hear her he does, and he immediately wraps her up in his arms once more. “You're not disgusting,” he tells her, “and you are gorgeous, the most gorgeous of all of them.” He kisses the top of her head, squeezing her tight, as if his words will sink in deeper if he holds her closer to him.

“You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend,” she mutters, but the tears have stopped. “I mean it.” He tells her, holding her face in his hands. He begins to pepper her face and her body with kisses. “You’re beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful and hot and elegant and sexy and I adore you. You’re my favorite person in the world. Inside and out you’re amazing.”

When he comes back up to kiss her on the cheek, he’s happy to see she’s blushing. “There is absolutely no reason at all for you to feel self-conscious about your body or anything at all. Look at me, I have a metal arm for fuck’s sake. I know we don’t talk about it much, but it’s here and I know you don’t give a damn so why the hell would I give a damn about what you look like. Who cares if you aren’t pure muscle? You’re soft and warm and perfect.”

He kisses her some more, “you’re perfect just the way you are, because you're you and I love you. If you want to come work out, I’ll still love your hot body. If you sit around eating cake all day, I’ll still love your hot body. Hell, if I wanted someone muscly, I’d go for Steve.”

She laughs out loud at that and he relishes the sound. She kisses him sweetly and climbs onto his lap, and perfect timing as always, someone knocks at the door. “Come on guys, no time for sex, the party’s starting!” Sam calls out. Bucky sighs and kisses her one more time. “Guess we’ll have to save our party for later,” he tells her with a wink. She laughs again and with no sign of tears, sorrow, or anxiety he carries her out of the room, down the hall, and to the lake.

A few weeks later in early August Y/N joins Bucky in the gym to work out. She had explained her dislike of waking up without Bucky by her side, and as much as he would like to, there’s no way Steve will let him skip morning workout every day. So, in order to wake up with Bucky still by her side, she starts trying to wake up earlier.  

The first few attempts are a bit of a failure. All that happens are that she turns off her alarm, rolls over, and goes back to sleep, but eventually it works. She starts joining Bucky in the gym in the morning, not having anything else to do and Natasha takes that as an open invitation to start training her. Y/N is unsure at first, wanting to stick to the treadmill, the only piece of fitness equipment she feels confident with, but Natasha is persistent in her offer.

One morning after Y/N, sick of treadmills, is watching Steve and Bucky spar, Natasha comes over to talk. Bucky is watching the conversation out of the corner of his eye, but Steve’s swings keep him from understanding what is happening. So, when Natasha pulls Y/N to her feet and starts punching the air, he gets reasonably nervous. Natasha didn’t have the best track record with Y/N and although he trusted the assassin, he didn’t want Y/N to end up with a broken nose.

“What’s going on here?” Bucky asks, stopping his training with Steve and jogging over to Natasha and Y/N. “Nat’s teaching me self-defense,” Y/N says simply, experimentally punching the air with her fist. “No that’s all wrong,” he tells her quickly, catching her fist in midair. “She doesn’t need self-defense,” he tells Natasha gruffly, starting to walk away with a reluctant Y/N.

“Are you kidding me?” Natasha scoffs, “you did just see the punch she threw, right? Do you want her to break her hand the first time she has to punch a bad guy?” Bucky stops walking away and moves back towards Natasha. “She’s never going to need to punch a bad guy because she has me to protect her,” he says angrily, protectively shielding Y/N.

“She has a point, Buck,” Steve pipes up, unwrapping his hands. “Y/N should know some basic self-defense. You’re not always going to be there to protect her.” Bucky frowns, wishing his friend would stay out of it and that he also wasn’t so logical. It’s all true, it was likely that one day Y/N would one day need to know self-defense. He just doesn’t want Y/N to ever have to be in that kind of situation. He doesn’t even want to think about it, but it’s not unreasonable to want to be prepared.

“It’s not up to you anyway,” Y/N says to Bucky, bouncing on her feet and getting into a fighting position. She punches the air a few more times. “I want to learn, it’ll be good for me,” she says giving Bucky a look that is pure stubbornness. Well then it’s settled. Bucky doesn’t want her to have to do this, but if she wants to learn, then he wants her to have the opportunity to do so and all in a safe environment. Preferably one he can oversee to make sure nothing gets too out of control.

“You’ll learn from the best,” Natasha says with a smirk taking Y/N’s hand and correcting her wrist. “Huh, didn’t realize I’d be training her, but I’m down,” Sam speaks up from by the weights. Bucky shakes his head at his friends. They really need to stop eavesdropping, but they are all spies so what else can he expect?

“Nothing crazy, Nat,” Bucky adds quickly, “she’s not a spy or an Avenger. She just needs basic self-defense skills.” Natasha nods, but he knows that look in her eye and Y/N is surely in for a ride. He smiles a little at the thought of Y/N learning to beat up Natasha and thinks that maybe this isn’t a bad idea after all. He isn’t always going to be around to protect her, no matter how hard he tries, and all he wants is for her to be safe.

All he wants is for her to be safe.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this starts off a bit repetitive, but I guess now you can see things from the reader’s point of view. Fun fact: I actually wrote this chapter before the last one.

Over a year has passed, and you and Bucky were closer than ever, in more ways than one. Celebrating your birthday at the Compound in early November led to you being invited to Thanksgiving Dinner, which led to the Christmas Party, then the New Year’s Party, as well as a hundred other parties Stark threw for no real reason. The parties were fun and all, but Bucky wasn’t a fan of crowds and you weren’t either, so the real fun was at the private events.

Christmas had been more perfect than you had ever remembered it being. It had snowed on Christmas Eve, the perfect set up to a magical holiday. Dinner with the team had been great, but after a few drinks you were feeling brave. Brave enough to pull Bucky in for a kiss when he came to say goodnight. A kiss that had led to you waking up in his arms on Christmas morning: the best present ever. Or what you thought would be the best present.

After you had opened endless presents from Bucky (a new Stark phone, a dozen more novels, a few sweaters, and countless other things) and Bucky had opened your present for him (a handmade scrapbook you had spent hours on), you thought you were done with presents. Instead, Bucky had handed you an envelope. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous to open it, especially with the entire team quieting to watch you.

Inside had been a note and two plane tickets, and the second your brain comprehended it you had thrown yourself into his arms, kissing him passionately. It had been a little embarrassing to hear the cheers of the team when you had separated to breathe, but you know that you’d do it all again, no regrets in your mind.

The trip itself had been straight out of a dream. It had been everything you had ever wanted in a vacation and more. Sure, you had only been working at the Compound for two months, but it was a welcomed break for you and a needed break for Bucky. It was definitely a little crazy to go on a trip abroad with a guy you’d only known for three months, but it wasn’t any guy. It was Bucky and you had fallen head over heels for him, and he for you.

On Bucky’s birthday in March he had given you a gift that he swore was really something for him. He wanted you to move in with him at the Compound. You practically lived at his place there anyway, only trekking the fifteen minutes over to your apartment when necessary, but it was still a big step. After thinking it over for half a second you agreed, and it was officially official.

You moved out of your apartment and into Bucky’s place. Things hadn’t exactly gone slowly as you had discussed so many months ago, but it was still all private. Bucky didn’t make many public appearances, but when he did his overprotectiveness came through once more. You never officially accompanied him to an event, to the public you were just another employee.

This was actually perfect with you. You didn’t want any extra attention and you hated the idea of having to talk to the press, so privacy was something you valued highly. Plus, the fact that Bucky wanted to protect you was enough explanation for keeping things within the small group of people. You had started self-defense training with Natasha, but you were far from being able to hold off an assailant. However, things at work were going really great. You loved your job and more importantly you loved Bucky.

Just when you had thought you had finally gotten used to the Avengers Compound and the team’s habits; something came along to mess it all up again. It’s a beautiful September night with you curled up on the couch watching TV while Bucky and Steve bustle around in the kitchen and Dr. Banner types on his tablet. Wanda occasionally tosses out instructions to them as she snuggles with Vision on a loveseat beside you.

When of course the power cuts out. TV off, lights off, and with the sun having set long ago you are immersed in the darkness immediately. “Bucky,” you cry out unable to stop yourself. The air has gone cold and your eyes blink erratically trying to adjust to the darkness as quickly as possible.

Bucky is by your side in an instant, his soothing voice in your ear. You grasp his flour covered hands embarrassed that you had yelled out. But it had been entirely unsuspected, the power cutting out in one of the most scientifically advanced buildings in the world, so an emotional reaction wasn’t all that surprising.

“Stark’s probably messing with something” Steve says as an explanation, his voice still coming from the kitchen. “Last time something like this happened, Tony created Ultron,” Wanda says quietly. “Ultron?” you ask, growing more and more nervous, “like those robots in Sokovia?” “Exactly,” Wanda responds, her voice tight.

“I don’t believe this is due to Mr. Stark, Captain,” Vision speaks evenly. “It’s probably his idea of a prank,” Wanda decides sounding slightly more hopeful. “No,” Natasha disagrees, her voice startling you as you hadn’t heard her silent arrival. “Jesus, how can you still be so silent when you can’t see a damn thing,” Bruce responds still from the kitchen, having also been startled by her arrival.

Ignoring him, Natasha replies, “FRIDAY’s not up, and neither is my phone, Tony wouldn’t do all that just for a prank.” Immediately everyone reaches to check their phones but yours won’t turn on and judging by the darkness no one else’s will either. Further testing Natasha’s observation, Steve speaks up to the ceiling. “FRIDAY? What’s going on?” No response.

A loud crash sends you jumping in fear. Bucky’s arms grab you and protectively wrap you up in his body, shielding you from whatever it may be. Huddled in Bucky’s lap your heart racing, you hear two sets of footsteps. Your ears aren’t good enough to determine who it is, how much they weigh, their physicality, and the type of shoe they wear, unlike two certain super soldiers so you cower in fear again.

Flashlights dance around the room. It’s just Tony and Pepper looking around at everyone. Everyone begins to speak at once. Wanda asking Tony what he did, Tony asking what they’ve done. Pepper asking about Bruce, Natasha asking about the city’s power. Steve quiets everyone with a shout, and he turns to face Tony. Tony’s flashlight blinds him, but Steve ignores it and asks the most important question, which is really all they need to know, “what’s going on?”

They all look at Tony waiting expectantly. He shrugs and says, “I don’t know, I wasn’t doing anything that could’ve possibly killed the power unless,” he pauses, clearly running a scenario through his head before shaking his head and resuming. “No, it can’t have been me.”

Pepper isn’t having it. “Of course it’s you, who else could’ve managed to pull off something like this but you.” Tony laughs a little and hums to himself thinking. “Well if you say so then it must be true, Pep. Bruce come with me I want your help checking something out. Pep you stay here with the gang.” Bruce and Tony head back down the stairs to the labs, Tony humming far too casually, while Pepper sets the flashlight on the coffee table and sits on the couch.

Suddenly all too aware of your proximity to Bucky you slide off his lap and back onto the couch. His arm remains around your waist but you’re happy he doesn’t retract it. You don’t like PDA, but you don’t mind a little extra comfort right now. More crashes and loud noises occur in the next ten minutes but now that you know it’s just the geniuses fixing the power, it’s not so scary. A few more minutes pass by and Bruce is back in the living area, flashlight in hand.

“I hate stairs,” he mumbles taking a few deep breaths. “Steve, Bucky, Nat he wants you down there too,” Bruce says, sounding almost nervous. “You alright?” Bucky asks softly before standing up along with the others to see what’s going on downstairs. You nod and whisper back a yes. They follow Bruce back downstairs to see what Stark could possibly want while you wait with Pepper, Wanda and Vision.

Minutes later you hear what sounds like yelling but it’s impossible for you to decipher, although judging by the urgent whispers between Wanda and Vision, you figure it’s intelligible to some. The power flicks on and you sigh in relief. More muffled shouts come from below and you strain to hear. Is that Bucky’s voice you hear?

Shortly after the lights come on, the five of them return. Stark fiddles with a screwdriver in his hands leaning over Pepper on the couch. He whispers something to her then straightens back up and addresses the group.

“Well it turns out that Pep was right again, and it was me. Somehow, we were hacked into, although hacked really isn’t the right word.” Tony pauses, presumably to find a better word to describe the situation, but Natasha urges him on. “Whatever or whoever it was knew what they were doing that’s for sure.” Your mouth opens wide in shock.

Tony continues his speech, “anyway, FRIDAY reacted magnificently and cut the power once she realized what was going on. Quite brilliant really. No power, no way to steal her information. However, in the half second before she killed it, some information had to have been gathered. And we have a rough idea of what that was.”

“How rough of an idea,” Wanda asks. Bruce answers her, his voice calm, “this hacker is either the dumbest genius and left trails both to themselves and to what information they took or they’re just a genius and they want us to know what they took.” “Or,” Steve chimes in, “they want us to think that they only took a small portion of intelligence when they really have the whole database.”

You glance at Bucky attempting to gauge his reaction, but he is a perfect neutral, giving nothing away. It’s a face you’ve seen time and time again, but not recently. Not since you moved in, actually. Either you’re not as good as you thought at reading him, or he’s hiding something. You’re not sure which is worse.

“That last one is highly unlikely, but we’re not sure, and there’s no clear way to find out except by following these traces and hoping it’s not a trap,” Tony finishes gruffly. You have never seen Tony this serious before and it is deeply unsettling. Bucky sits next to you and squeezes your shoulder as you turn to face him.

“One of the things we think they know now is all of the IDs of the people in the building. It’s one of the things at the top of FRIDAY’s mind so to speak. Which unfortunately means that this person or these people know who you are now, as well as the information we have on you.” Bucky voice is calm, and you know he is trying to make you feel as relaxed as possible, but relaxed is not at all how you feel.

“So, now what?” you ask the group, not sure what information Stark keeps on you in the first place. “You stay inside until we know more,” Bucky says taking your hands in his. “Until we know what the threat is, you aren’t going outside.” “That’s a little much, she can go outside don’t you think, Barnes?” Bruce asks gently. Bucky glares at him, suddenly turning emotional. “I said no.”

Bruce’s hands flew up to show he meant no harm, but Bucky is still upset. He pulls away from you, puts his face into his hands and sighs loudly. You sit beside him unsure of what to do. Normally you’d be comforting him, but Bucky isn’t acting like himself, and you’re not sure what he needs right now.

Steve moves towards Bucky and puts his arm around him. “I know, I know” he says gently. “But we’re gonna protect her, and I swear to you nothing will happen. She will be safe.” Steve looks into your eyes as he spoke, hand rubbing Bucky’s back soothingly.

“Well we’ve done what we can do for now.” Tony says, “so Pepper and I are off to bed. No one leaves the Compound tonight, okay?” The team nods noncommittally to this statement, unsure of what to do. “Thank god this didn’t happen during business hours,” Pepper says joining Tony’s side. “That would have been a nightmare trying to keep hundreds here after hours to stay safe. At least there’s just the nine of us here tonight.”

“I don’t think that’s a coincidence. They didn’t want to know all the workers; they could’ve found that online easily. They wanted to know us.” Natasha says grimly. “Goodnight,” she continues adding softly, “don’t know how I’ll manage to sleep tonight though.” Tony, Pepper and Natasha are gone now, leaving Wanda and Vision still whispering to each other in the corner, Bruce who seems to be thinking a million different thoughts all at once, and Steve and Bucky and you.

“Come on Buck, you guys should get to bed now too. I’m gonna call Sam and tell him to stay in DC,” Steve says, standing up. Bucky stands stiffly and holds out his arm to help you up. Taking it, you silently follow him, wondering what you were going to do about all of this. It was terrifying, but you were more worried about Bucky’s change in demeanor rather than this new threat. They were the Avengers after all, some hacker wasn’t going to disrupt their life. Bucky, however, was closing himself off again, and you couldn’t let him do that to himself again.

 “Are you mad at me?” you ask shyly, crawling into bed beside Bucky. “No of course not, doll,” he responds easily. You wait. He sighs deeply, “I’m just mad that all this happened. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”

The sound of his voice worries you. Bucky hasn’t had nightmares in months, and the few you’ve witnessed were bad, but Steve had called them mild. What if this stress brought Bucky’s nightmares back? What if they were as bad as they had been before you had met? What if they were worse?

You look into his eyes, and yes, he looks scared and stressed, but he’s the same Bucky you’ve always known. You know that if he didn’t think it was safe for you to sleep here, he’d leave. You know that Bucky would never ever do anything to hurt you.

“Don’t worry, Bucky,” you say, snuggling into the blankets. “I’m sure everything will be just fine. Everyone says it’ll work out.” “Yeah, I guess so,” he replies, reaching over to brush the hair out of your face. “Goodnight darling.” He gives you a short kiss then rolls over, his arm unusually not wrapped around you. You’re tired though and fall asleep quickly, unaware of Bucky’s tossing and turning while his mind begins to reharden.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a ton this past weekend which you can probably tell from my three chapters posted in three days. Whether that’s because I was procrastinating studying for my exam today or not.... Anyway I have planned out the rest of this story and it’s gonna get a lot more angsty. So if you’re just interested in fluff you probably should stop reading this. Sorry about that but I really didn’t know where this would take me when I started! Again thank you so much for reading! I love reading your comments and I’m so happy that everyone has been so nice and encouraging! This is my first fanfic and I was really nervous about posting, but I’m so glad I did! You guys are great!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another crazy long Bucky chapter, but again I didn’t want to split it up. Also, this is where the real angst starts so if you just wanted a cute fluffy story you should probably stop reading. Hope you enjoy!

A few weeks have passed since the security breach and nothing has happened. That doesn’t stop Bucky from being worried all of the time. He knows he’s reverting to his past self instead of moving forward. He knows he’s been short with the team lately, with Y/N even, but it’s all for her safety. Her safety is his priority and he won’t let anything, not even Y/N herself, distract him from it.

Bucky’s nightmares have made their return as well. They’re not nearly as bad as they had once been, but they’re still bad. The only blessing, which in its own way is also a curse, is that they’re still sporadic. His nightmares have evolved.

Now instead of dreaming of Steve falling off the train it’s Y/N in his place, screaming a terrible scream. Or he dreams that it’s still him falling for what feels like years and then becoming Hydra. These dreams are worse because he is still Hydra when he meets Y/N. He dreams of meeting her and her giving him directions and him killing her for it. He’s terrified of hurting her.

She’s obviously noticed the nightmares. She’s confronted him about it a few times already, but he hasn’t said much. He thinks she already knows the culprit is, even if he won’t admit it to her.  Things get worse instead of better. After a particularly bad nightmare where he wakes tangled in sweaty sheets, Y/N watching him carefully from by the door, they talk. 

She admits to him that she gets scared sometimes. It breaks his heart to hear her explain that she’s not scared that he’ll hurt her, but that she’s scared he’ll never forgive himself if he accidentally does. He wants to cry after hearing her words and they hold each other for the rest of the night, neither one sleeping a wink. He doesn’t know why she stays but she does.

Sometimes his nightmares get so bad she has to get Steve. Steve is used to this old behavior, but even he doesn’t know how to handle Y/N being there to witness it all. Y/N refuses to leave Bucky’s side no matter how bad it is. Bucky’s told her time and time again that he doesn’t want her to touch him when he’s still asleep and dreaming but she still does. She explains to him that she’s careful, that she just wants to help, but he gets upset anyway.

He tells her that it doesn’t matter if she’s careful. The Winter Soldier could kill her in a minute, and he wouldn’t even know until he wakes in the morning. She cries after hearing that. He feels terrible for scaring her but she’s not crying about that. He comforts her, regretting his harsh words, and once the tears have stopped, she explains.

She cried because he still calls that side of him the Winter Soldier, that he still hasn’t been able to fully move on even if the triggers are gone. She wants to help him, but she doesn’t know how. She begins to comfort him, and he’s confused by her embrace until he realizes that it is now his own tears blurring his vision and dripping onto her shirt.

The nightmares continue even after their talk. Some nights he’s afraid to fall asleep. Most nights he’ll wake up with Steve restraining him and Y/N stroking his hair and talking to him. Those nights, the worst nights, he doesn’t go back to sleep. Instead he lies in bed with Y/N on his chest whispering sweet things to him until she eventually falls asleep.

He feels guilty. For dragging her into all of this mess. For not knowing how to fix himself to get better again. He starts going to therapy twice a week instead of once a week. He takes his pills when he’s feeling more anxious than usual, but lately it’s hard to differentiate between the levels since he seems to always be stressed about something.

Y/N doesn’t leave him through any of it. She helps him every step of the way the entire time focused on him and his progress as little as it may be. He’s spiraling and he doesn’t really know how to stop. There’s nothing to fix in this situation. There’s no clear enemy to defeat. There’s no one to protect Y/N from so he doesn’t know how to make the nightmares end. The attack may never come. He doesn’t even know if the hackers from late September even know who she is. There’s nothing for him to do and it terrifies him. He has no plan of action; he has no plan whatsoever.

After a week where Steve has to come and help three nights in a row, Steve makes a decision. Bucky will take new pills to help him sleep. Bucky really doesn’t want to, and Y/N doesn’t want him to because he doesn’t want to, but Bucky knows it’s for the best, so he does as the Captain commands.

And the medication does start to work. The first week of it is rough, trying to figure out the correct dosage was a struggle, but it’s worth it now. He still has nightmares every so often, but they’re not as bad and Y/N can usually wake him up without Steve’s help. He feels a little muddled after taking them, but it’s a small price to pay for a good night’s sleep.

October comes and he thinks back on how much his life has changed in just a year. Insistent on moving forward, Bucky wants to do something special to commemorate their first meeting a year ago. He decides on sneaking her out of work early for a walk around Manhattan, and she adores their afternoon together. One whole year together and Bucky is certain: his life is so much better with her in it.

He’s so grateful for her company. She’s stayed by his side for all this time and it means more to him than he can say. They celebrate the anniversary of their first date as a remake of that date. They have a spaghetti dinner in the Tower and this time Happy doesn’t interrupt. Her birthday comes by soon after that, and then it’s Thanksgiving, and then Bucky stops taking the sleeping pills.

It’s a random decision he makes one evening. He’s tired and comfy in bed with Y/N by his side. He’s feeling fresh from the eight hours he’s been getting every night, and so he makes an executive decision. A blind, dumb, dangerous decision. When Y/N reminds him to take his pills, he tells her he already did. She doesn’t challenge him and after a kiss goodnight falls asleep quickly. Bucky ponders his decision for a moment, feeling guilty about lying, but yawning easily, he stays by her side and falls asleep.

The medication makes him feel foggy and apathetic; he justifies to himself the next night. The apathy scares him, reminds him of his time as Hydra, and so with the reminder that he slept great the night before he decides to quit cold turkey. It works fine for a while; he continues to sleep great and he feels great too. No one suspects a thing and so he tells no one. No need for them to know anyway, not until he’s positive that he won’t ever need the pills again.

Days go by and there’s still been no attack on the Compound or on any of the members of the team. There’s still no reason to believe the hackers even got any information, after they’ve chased down every last lead. There’s not a single shred of evidence to believe Y/N is in danger and subsequently, Bucky hasn’t been on a single mission since September.

There’s been other missions but at first his priority was staying near Y/N at all times, and in recent news he’s no longer cleared for missions since his mind is a bit compromised from the pills. They make him foggy, the others do agree, but they decide it’s worth it and Steve tells Bucky to keep taking them. Bucky tells them he’s still taking them.

Bucky is still concerned about Y/N’s safety, but it’s further in the back of his mind. His mind vaguely remembers that he himself could be a danger to her without his medication, but he thinks he can control himself. He’s only had two nightmares in the past three weeks he’s been pill free and they’ve both been mild enough that not even Steve needed to come help.

But as it turns out, Bucky is not in control of himself. The first week of December he wakes up drenched in sweat, heart pounding in his chest. There’s a weight on him and it takes him a while to place it, to make sense of what happened. But his eyes open and there staring right at him are the blue eyes of Captain America.

Steve is pissed, and rightfully so. Bucky can tell that Steve’s about to launch into one of his speeches, but he doesn’t give a damn, not when he sees Y/N on the floor. She’s on the ground, leaning up against the closet door, looking ragged and worn. Her hands are gently touching her neck, and with the sudden urge to vomit, Bucky realizes why.

Steve’s reactions are quick, and he knows his best friend, so thankfully a trashcan is placed in front of him before Bucky does in fact throw up. He’s nauseous and exhausted and disgusted with himself. He hurt her. He actually hurt the woman he loves.

Once Bucky is done vomiting Steve starts his rant. He’s loud and angry and Bucky wants to hear it, wants to feel the rage of Steve’s words but he’s still too out of it from the nightmare to properly listen. Steve’s yells flow over him as he lies there, completely still. Steve pauses as if to let up but then he ends with a phrase that Bucky fully hears and fully feels. One that he’s already been thinking over and over again in his own mind. “You could’ve killed her.”

Steve walks away, helping Y/N up off the ground as he goes. Y/N accepts Steve’s assistance, but she’s hesitant as she looks to Bucky. She wants to speak, but Bucky doesn’t want to hear it, not right now. He already knows what she’ll tell him, that it’s not his fault, that she forgives him, but he’s not ready. It is his fault and he shouldn’t be forgiven, not yet anyway.

Y/N thankfully doesn’t say a word, but her eyes say it anyway and Bucky has to look away. Steve gently guides her out of the bedroom and turning to Bucky he tells him, “I’m gonna take her to the med bay. She’ll be safe with me tonight. Don’t worry.” His final words don’t sound very heartfelt and Bucky knows exactly what Steve means by them.

He hears them walk through the living area of their quarters. Hears them open the door, and then so softly he wonders if he imagines it, he hears, “goodnight, Bucky.” Her voice is rough from the damage he did to her throat and he fights the urge to throw up again. Instead he lies there on his bed for hours, wondering if he should let Y/N forgive him for this.

Bucky doesn’t know how long it’s been since Y/N left with Steve, or how he managed to fall back asleep but when he wakes the sun is shining through the curtains and Sam is at his desk. He’s startled, afraid that maybe he had hurt someone else in his sleep, but Sam doesn’t appear harmed and no one else is around. Sam speaks calmly, as if he’s talking to an abused stray dog.

“Take a shower and get dressed. Wanda’s leftover pancakes are in your fridge.” Pancakes, Bucky thinks and swallows hard, the whole team must know. Wanda only made her pancakes for Y/N when Y/N was upset. He feels sick at the revelation but also a little bit better. There’s no way the team will let Y/N forgive him if they know what happened. Not that he really knows what happened either.

Sam seems to read his mind. “After you’ve eaten and showered, you, Steve, and Y/N are gonna talk.” Bucky’s insides feel like they’ve been rearranged, but he manages to pull himself out of bed and into the shower. Looking at Y/N’s shampoo he begins to feel sick again, picturing her on the bedroom floor, her neck badly bruised.

He fights the emotions and showers quickly, gets dressed, and eats a few bites of Wanda’s specialty pancakes. It’s so wrong to him. He’s never eaten them without Y/N by his side. But then again, he’s never attacked Y/N either. He can’t finish the food and throws it away. It’s a waste, but he doesn’t want to think about how shitty Y/N must feel and how he caused it.

Soon enough he’s forced to think about it when he reluctantly follows Sam to a private meeting room on the main floor. Y/N is there, her neck bruised in the shape of a hand, but healing. Steve is by her side and he stands when Bucky enters. Bucky thinks he might be sick again, but Y/N smiles at him softly and if he just ignores how painful her throat looks, he can just maybe start to breathe again.

He sits down in a chair at the small round table, directly across from Y/N. “I'll leave you guys to it,” Sam says and closes the door. Steve immediately begins to talk, “before you beat yourself up too much over this, we need to be on the same page.” His voice is calm, but Bucky can tell he is still angry. “We’re going to tell you what happened and then you’re going to tell us what happened to you to trigger this.” All Bucky can do is nod.

Y/N reaches across the table to take Bucky’s hand. He looks to Steve for approval, but Steve ignores her gesture. His flesh hand now in hers, she begins to talk softly. “So, I woke up around two and you were tossing and turning.” She swallows nervously and turns to Steve who nods to encourage her to keep going. Bucky wishes she would look to him for that help, but considering the situation, he’s happy that she has Steve to help.

“I guess I didn’t really realize what was going on,” she continues. “It had been so long since your last one and those had been so mild, I had forgotten. I was still mostly asleep and well, I just wanted to help.” She pauses to rub at her eyes, and Bucky’s heart continues to shatter. “I knew something was wrong, but I thought I’d be able to wake you up easily. I kind of grabbed your shoulder and I touched your face,” she pauses for air, “and you threw me.”

He’s in shock, pulling his hand from hers, but Steve grounds Bucky and gestures for him to keep listening. “You threw me aside, but I guess I still wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t hurt so I got up and tried to wake you again. This time you sat up and I realized it was a bad nightmare and.” She stops to cover her face, Steve wrapping his arm around her, whispering something to her. Bucky should feel jealous, but he knows there’s nothing romantic there, and even if there was, Y/N did deserve better than him anyway.

“I realized it was a really bad nightmare when you sat up. You lunged towards me and I screamed for FRIDAY and she alerted Steve. You grabbed me by the neck and lifted me off the ground.” She can’t continue, but Steve carries on for her. “FRIDAY woke me up saying it was an emergency. I ran to your room and you were holding Y/N off the ground by her neck. She was turning blue. I tackled you back onto the bed and held you down until you woke up.” Y/N isn’t crying, just staring at Bucky nervously.

“And thank god Y/N called FRIDAY or else,” Steve finishes lamely. The sentence doesn’t need to be completed; everyone already knows what the outcome could have been. Bucky didn’t think it was possible, but he is even more upset and angry at himself than he was earlier this morning.

“So now it’s your turn to tell us what the hell is going on with you,” Steve says, effectively interrupting Bucky’s train of thought. Bucky’s not sure where the words come from or how he formats them, but he tells them everything. He admits that he stopped taking the pills. He apologizes over and over again for his mistake. He explains that he’ll get the arm removed. That he’ll get put back in cryo. That he’s willing to do anything.

Y/N tries to stop his rant and his words, but he can’t seem to be able to stop. Suddenly she’s on top of him, lips gently pressed against his. He panics. He’s terrified to move, he’s terrified to touch her, he’s terrified to hurt her again. Thankfully Steve recognizes this and gently pulls Y/N off of Bucky’s lap and into her own chair. “Let’s take this slow, we don’t want to act rash,” Steve reminds her, but she doesn’t like that.

“I just want to forget about all of it,” Y/N tells them both. “Bucky’ll take the medication again and it’ll all be fine.” She sees Steve’s jaw set and Bucky’s bewildered eyes. “I love you,” she finally says to Bucky, “and I just want whatever is best for you.”  

Steve hears her words, but Bucky can tell before he speaks that he disagrees. “We can’t just forget about all of this. No, Bucky needs to think about what he did and why. We need to be sure he’s not going to be making that same mistake again.” Bucky agrees with this. He needs to remember that keeping Y/N safe is his priority. He also needs to remember that keeping her safe from himself is important.

The rest of the day moves slowly. The team is quiet and wary and watchful, but Bucky doesn’t mind. He doesn’t want to forget; he wants to remember to make sure it never happens again. Y/N doesn’t leave his side for the rest of the day, but they’re never alone. That evening Steve tells them that Y/N is going to be sleeping in a guest room. She tries to protest, but Bucky agrees, and she stops her argument. She still trusts him and his judgement and that scares him.

The rest of the week goes by much the same. Y/N’s neck has healed quickly thanks to Bruce, but Bucky is still feeling like shit. Not that he shows it though. He’s friendly and kind and gentle. The team eventually stops keeping an eye on him, and then Steve gives his blessing that Y/N can go back to their shared room.

Bucky hasn’t had a nightmare since the incident, but he also hasn’t slept much since then either. He tells the team that he started taking the pills again, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to hurt Y/N, but he’s also scared that the pills won't work anymore either. His solution is to just not sleep at night anymore. He holds her all night long and doesn’t sleep a wink. Instead he sleeps during the day whenever he can.

Y/N and the team notice that something’s up, but Bucky tells them the pills make him sleepy, so he’s been taking naps. He feels guilty for making them feel guilty but in his mind it’s better than the alternatives. He starts to think about how he doesn’t deserve her, that he should get her to leave him, but he can’t do it. Not when his nose is buried in her hair. Not when her hands grip his shirt. Not when she’s sprawled out on his chest, warm breath on his neck as she sleeps peacefully. He can’t leave her.

Finally, it’s nearly Christmas and the Compound has been in a festive mode for what feels like years to Bucky. Putting up Christmas trees the day after Thanksgiving seems excessive, but if there’s a better word to describe Tony Stark he hasn’t heard of it. Y/N, however, has been loving the decorations though, so Bucky tries not to make his aversion too obvious.

Stark is convinced that since nothing has happened with the hackers, his annual Christmas party on the 23rd, the eve of Christmas Eve is still on. Stark explains to Bucky that it’s best to not have the public suspect that anything is going on, but Bucky doesn’t like it. He’s back to being worried about the possibility of Y/N’s stolen information, while everyone else is excited for the party

Once Bucky realizes that he can’t get Stark to cancel the party and that both he and Y/N will be in attendance, he sits her down to talk. It’s the second time she’s been to the Christmas party, but this time she’ll be going as his girlfriend rather than an employee, and he’s nervous. She interrupts his babbling and tells him simply, “yeah I know baby. You just want me to be safe.” It’s completely accurate, and there’s not much else Bucky has to say on the topic.

Time moves quickly when everyone is excited for the holidays and before Bucky knows it, it’s just minutes until Stark let’s all of his guests in for the Christmas party. He attempts to pull Y/N aside to talk, but she’s comfy on the couch and chatting with Steve. “I want you to be careful, Y/N,” he tells her. She turns to him to give her attention after hearing the desperation in his voice. “I'll be fine, Buck. Don’t worry about me,” she reassures him, her hand gently squeezing his shoulder.

“But really, darling keep an eye out for,” Bucky starts only for Y/N to interrupt him. “Loki, I know. You told me a hundred times already,” she says to him, tapping him on the nose with her finger. He wrinkles his nose in response and tells her, “Tony trusts Loki, but I don’t. Thor swears he’s good now, but.” She smiles brightly and interrupts him again. Not out of malice but because he’s getting worked up for no reason.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thor and his brother Loki. Loki who stole the tesseract. Loki who brought the aliens to New York. Loki who has a good imitation of Steve. You’ve told it to me all before,” she says. “It’s not an imitation, he literally becomes me,” Steve whines. She stares at the Captain. “You’re going soft Rogers. I used to be intimidated by you, but now I see you’re just a soft squishy teddy bear.” Bucky laughs at her words, easing up a little more.

“I’ll stay away from Loki, I promise,” she tells Bucky, kissing him sweetly. He sighs a bit in relief. “Besides,” she adds, “there’s a hundred security people here and a hundred cameras. Then there’s Steve and Nat and the rest of the team looking out for me.” He opens his mouth to speak, but she shushes him with another kiss. “And of course, you, silly. My most favorite security guard.”

He smiles at her words and starts to remind her that he won’t be around the entire night, crowds make him nervous, but before he can speak the doors open and Tony walks in. “Get up people! Get up!” Tony announces, “this is a party! Everyone’s here and in fifteen seconds FRIDAY’s going to let them all in!” Tony starts an honest to god countdown that the rest of the team weakly participates in.

Once they reach zero the noise increases exponentially as people in cocktail dresses and suits storm inside. Y/N holds his hand tightly, squeezing it a few times and he notices that her palm is a little sweaty. He feels terrible instantly. He had been so worked up about her safety and his own fear of crowds, he had completely forgotten her own typical nervous jitters before an event of this scale.

It’s too late to comfort her now, but she doesn’t entirely appear to need it. She’s smiling at people and even waving to a few coworkers. “Is this alright?” she mutters in Bucky’s ear. He’s confused by her words until she squeezes his hand again and he follows her eye line. They’re still holding hands and knows it’s probably not the best for her safety if even more people figure out that they are dating, but at the same time he’s a little scared to let go.

He’s a bit needy in these situations and he’s not afraid to admit it. Besides, most of their coworkers already know he’s dating Y/N at this point. Bucky reminds himself that they’re all trustworthy people who had undergone background checks, lie detector tests, everything necessary to prove that they were good people. The nonemployees, however, Bucky has no idea how trustworthy they are. So, he decides to not just keep a close watch over Y/N, but to keep holding her hand.

His new plan doesn’t last very long though, not when Sam wants Y/N to join him on the dance floor. Bucky’s not much of a dancer, especially not this kind of music in this kind of a crowd, and Sam promises to be good, so Bucky lets Y/N kiss him on the cheek and run off to the dance floor. He heads to the bar after that, unsure of what else there was to do.

Bruce is at the bar, but Bucky doesn’t have much to say to him so they both stay quiet sipping slowly on their sodas. An hour or so later Sam comes over to the bar, but he’s with a different girl. Bucky questions him about what happened to Y/N and where she is, but Sam is distracted. After more pestering Bucky gets his attention and Sam explains that Y/N had met up with some coworkers. Sam tells him to relax, then with a drink in one hand and the new girl in his other, he leaves Bucky and Bruce.

Bruce tells Bucky not to worry, that Y/N will be fine. Bucky, of course, ignores Bruce and goes off to search for her. Almost immediately he sees Wanda and Vision, but they haven’t seen her since the party started. Bucky becomes frantic with this information. The stress from the crowd isn’t helping so Wanda pulls him aside to get him to calm down.

Once his breathing is under control Wanda tells him that maybe he should just go back to his room and wait for the party to end. It’s tempting but he disagrees. He thanks Wanda and continues his search. Shortly after leaving Wanda he runs into Thor and Steve. Loki isn’t with them which worries Bucky, but they tell him not to worry and even convince him to stay to drink.

Thor takes his drinking seriously and before Bucky knows it, he’s hammered. He relaxes and forgets about the importance of finding Y/N. Time flies by and then the party ends and so does Bucky’s stupor. He realizes it’s been hours since he’s seen Y/N and so he tears around the trashed area to find her, but he can’t. In his still inebriated state, he recruits the team to find her. They tell him he’s overreacting, but they also haven’t seen her in hours.

Bucky tries not to panic too much as he searches every room calling her name. He runs into a drunk Stark and a tipsy Pepper who remind Bucky to use his resources. Bucky calls out to FRIDAY to tell him where Y/N is. A few minutes pass as Bucky heads back to the main common area, bots everywhere cleaning the mess.

“Sergeant Barnes, Y/N is not on the premises,” FRIDAY announces. Bucky begins to spiral into a panic, but thankfully most of the team is around to hear FRIDAY’s message. Wanda calms him while Bruce gets FRIDAY to find the latest footage of Y/N. FRIDAY pulls it up on the big screen and the entire team moves close to watch.

It’s of Y/N in a hallway. She’s crying but a man is with her, standing close to her, comforting her. The man offers her a drink and she takes it, taking a few sips. He talks to her and she drinks more. Her legs give out and he can see the fear in her face before she slumps over onto the floor. The man picks her up easily and carries her outside. A black car is waiting outside and once they’re inside; it speeds away. The video ends and Bucky screams.

Facial recognition is being run. The FBI and CIA have been called. Nick Fury has been alerted. Cameras worldwide are searching for her and yet Bucky does nothing. He just sits at the kitchen table head in his hands. “It’s not your fault, Buck,” Steve says from Bucky’s right. Bucky does nothing to acknowledge his voice. “We all should have been more careful. We thought you were being paranoid. We should have helped you find her earlier.”

Bucky still does nothing. How can he do anything? He’s useless. He was useless before and he’s useless now. “Barnes?” a female voice that Bucky vaguely recognizes calls out. “Rogers, get Barnes in here now, he has to see this.” Steve drags Bucky off the table and back into the living room. Maria Hill points to the TV, but it’s unnecessary; Bucky’s attention is already directed on Y/N’s face.

Hill continues to speak about locations and signals, but Bucky can’t hear a thing. He’s too busy watching. “It’s a live feed,” Hill explains to the horrified team, but Bucky already knows. Y/N is on the screen, chained to a metal chair, unconscious but breathing. “We’re tracing the feed right now. We’ll know exactly where she is in a few minutes,” Hill states.

“No need,” Bucky says gruffly, pulling Steve away to the armory. “I already know exactly where she is.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning this is probably my most intense(?) chapter. It’s not incredibly violent but this’ll have the explanation of how reader was kidnapped and all that unfortunate stuff.

The party was a lot of fun. You had been looking forward to letting loose and you had hoped that Bucky would enjoy himself too, but perhaps that had been too optimistic of you. Bucky had seemed content to hold your hand for the entire evening, but you had wanted to dance, and Sam was your only option. So, you had left Bucky to dance with Sam who had quickly become enamored with your coworker Emily.

Sam had left with Emily soon after that, leaving you to dance with some coworkers you barely knew. It was still plenty of fun, and the music and drinks were fantastic, but you couldn’t help but wonder what Bucky was up to. Eventually you had tired of dancing and headed to the bathroom to freshen up. Feeling anxious as you weaved through the crowd, you tried to focus on your goal: using the bathroom then finding Bucky.

There were so many people and the first bathroom you saw had a massive line, so you forced your way back through the crowd to another location. It was slow going with the drunk people swarming around and by the time you had made your way to the opposite side you had had a drink spilled on you. It was sticky and you had felt very disheveled and overwhelmed.

At least this side was quieter, and less people were around. You climbed the stairs still dabbing at your dress with a napkin when you ran into a man. You apologized profusely but he still yelled obscenities at you. You had become tougher through your training with Natasha, but your feelings were still just as fragile. Upset with the man’s words, your ruined dress, and no Bucky to be found, you entered the thankfully empty bathroom.

Ignoring that it was oddly empty and oddly quiet you focused on fixing your hair in the mirror. Your finger combing wasn’t doing anything to help and looking over yourself once more you started to cry.

It was nearly Christmas, and nothing was going like you had wanted it to. Last Christmas had been perfectly wonderful, but this one was a mess. Your present to Bucky wasn’t finished and Bucky was barely speaking to you. He had closed himself off in a way that had scared you and you didn’t know what to do about it. You needed him and you didn’t know how to tell him that.

Looking at your stained dress, mascara stained cheeks, tangled hair, you leave the bathroom in a rush. So much so that you run into another man. Thankfully it’s not the same one from before, this one is much kinder, smiling at you and apologizing. “Are you alright?” he asks once you have steadied yourself. You nod your head hoping that he’ll take your word for it and leave you alone.

Instead he leans close and says, “you look like a mess.” His words destroy you and after your cry in the bathroom your emotions are near the surface. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he says grabbing your arm as he sees you start to cry. “Here’s some water. Drink it, it’ll help,” he tells you handing you a bottle of water. “No, I can’t take your water,” you choke out.

“Don’t worry about it,” he laughs pushing the half empty bottle into your hands. You take a few smalls sips of the water, but he tells you to drink more to rehydrate yourself. You do as he says, finishing what’s left of it. As soon as you remove the bottle from your mouth you know something is wrong. You feel so heavy and then your legs give out from under you. You fall to the floor, trying desperately to scream for Bucky, but before you can, you black out.

When you wake you have no idea how long it’s been since the party, where you are, or what is happening. Your head is pounding, and your mind is still feeling fuzzy. It’s dark and cold and you’re terribly afraid but unwilling to show it to your captor. You do what Natasha had taught you: take stock of your situation.

Your arms, legs, and waist are all bound by heavy metal chains. The chains are attached to a cold metal chair. The chains are loose enough that you could possibly wiggle free, but there are zip ties around your wrists and ankles as well. The room is mostly empty. You’re alone and thankful for it, but there is a fairly modern looking camera pointed directly at you. You can't help but wonder if they’re going to film them killing you just to send it to Bucky.

The thought makes you feel even more dizzy, so you focus back to what you know. The room is small with no windows and a single door. The door is metal, but slightly rusted and old. If you had to guess you would say you’re in a basement, but for all you know you could be on Mars. You’re terrified, but you trust the Avengers. They’ll rescue you. They will, right?

Before you can think about it too much, the door opens with a loud creak and four men walk in. One is the same from the party, the other three you don’t recognize at all. You look at them closely, trying to memorize faces, or notice any scars or tattoos that will make them more identifiable later.

One of the men moves to the camera, tapping it as if to make sure it still worked. You wondered if it had been filming you while you were out or if it was starting to now. Ignoring the creepiness of the entire situation you decided to speak. “What do you want from me? I’m not gonna tell you anything.” Your voice wavers, giving away your fear and the men all hear it.

They smirk and move closer. One man pulls out a knife and waves it menacingly. He speaks, but it’s in a language you don’t understand. The others laugh at your confusion and the man from the party takes the knife from the other. He points the knife at you and tells you with a grin, “he said we want you to scream.”

You can't help but laugh at his words, the drugs from earlier still making your mind out of focus. Unfortunately, this riles the men up. They mutter to each other in the language that you don’t understand, and you attempt to steady yourself. These men aren’t going to kill you, if they wanted to, they would’ve already, you tell yourself. Unless they want a really painful death you realize but you push that thought aside. There’s not much you can do if that’s what they want, but you can at least try to keep them distracted.

Maybe if you keep them talking, they won't kill you right away and that’ll give you more time for the Avengers to show up. For Bucky to show up, you think with a pain to your heart. Poor Bucky must be so worried about you. A slap stops your thoughts of Bucky. Your cheek is throbbing, and you can't stop your eyes from watering. The men laugh at this and then another one slaps you on opposite cheek.

“Little Y/N,” the man from the party coos sarcastically. “Little girl what are you gonna do without your boyfriend to save you?” You blink away the tears threatening to fall and look at the man. “He’s gonna come here and save me and kick all of your asses.” They all laugh at that, but none of them move to hit you again.

“So stupid,” the man continues, “don’t you see? That’s exactly what we want. We want your boyfriend to pay us a little visit. We have a present for him, one he’ll be happy to forget.” He laughs at his own little joke and you blanche in surprise. You look around the room once more. No way, there was no way. Bucky had said the building was destroyed. Bucky had said they were all dead. Bucky said it would never happen to him again.

But Bucky had also said you’d be safe. He said he’d protect you. He said he’d always have your back. And now here you were in Siberia, alone and no longer even wanting Bucky to come save you. Would these men actually be able to brainwash him again? Was it even possible anymore? You didn’t know and you didn’t want to find out either.

You don’t have too much time to think about that though, not when the men start to get impatient. They argue with each other in Russian and finally appear to come to a decision. One man positions himself by the camera and taps it again, so that a red flashing light blinks up at you. You’re being recorded and you don’t like it.

The men jeer at you, but you can't get too offended since you don’t know what their words mean. You have a good enough idea of it as they start to spit on you, and one slaps you hard across your face. You get whiplash from the motion and pray that you won't cry, not now when your face could be broadcast anywhere, to anyone.

“Scream for your boyfriend,” they tell you, a knife held close to your throat. You refuse, staying silent, but they press the knife into your skin, drawing blood. “Beg your Bucky to come save you,” they jeer and suddenly they all have knives. They swarm around you, making cuts all over your body; some digging deep into your stomach, others slicing long marks down your legs. It’s painful and you're scared, but your jaw remains clamped down, refusing to scream. “Little bitch,” someone mutters and then there’s sharp pain and you pass out once more.

You wake up and all you know is that you’re freezing cold. You’re outside in the night air, shaking like a leaf. Your mind is foggy, and your vision blurry, but through the drugs they’ve given you, you are still aware of the pain. Your mind screams as you desperately look around you trying to recognize anyone, anything.

You’re up on some sort of platform. It’s dark and there’s snow everywhere. It’s freezing cold and you’re still in your stained and ripped party dress. You can hear water moving below you, but you can’t see it. You’re still tied to something, but it’s no longer the chair. Your mind is unwilling to focus, but you try to wiggle free. Whatever it is you’re tied to, it’s heavy and you can’t move. Your vision spins before your eyes and you blink furiously but it doesn’t help much.

You hear noises behind you, but you can’t turn around to see. A man comes into your view. It’s not one of the four from before but he speaks English into his cellphone. “I’m in position. Just tell me when and I’m good to go,” he says enthusiastically. His voice chatters on but your head feels like a hundred pounds and you wonder vaguely if you’ll pass out again. Maybe it’ll be better to pass out.

There are more noises you can’t place, then movement. You’re on your feet, and it's suddenly so bright. Is that an airplane, you think indistinctly as you wobble against the man holding you up. There’s shouting and more noise, so much noise, and then you’re falling. You fall for what feels like years to your drugged mind. Then suddenly you stop falling. The water is so cold. You sink as your mind fades to black.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t do nearly as much research as I should have when writing this chapter, so sorry if it’s super unrealistic. Also, I think it goes without saying, but this is not at all medical advice for what to do in this type of situation! Enjoy!

Bucky pulls Steve along to the armory, focusing completely on saving Y/N. “Bucky wait,” Steve calls out, “where is she? And how do you know?” Bucky doesn’t want to answer but he needs Steve’s help and he know Steve won't come until he understands. Bucky grabs his duffle bag from the armory, a few guns, and tosses the shield to Steve. “It’s where I was kept.” His words are harsh and the tone severe, but now Steve understands, and he runs after Bucky towards the quinjet.

“I thought that was place was destroyed Bucky,” Steve tries to reason. “What if you’re wrong?” Bucky keeps running through the maze of hallways. “If I’m wrong then once Hill knows the location we can reroute. But since I’m right can we get going already?” Steve doesn’t have time to argue, but he doesn’t need to either. Not when they approach the quinjet to see the whole team standing there.

Bucky ignores the crew and climbs on board, already typing in coordinates to the location. Steve looks toward Stark to explain but finds that unnecessary when Stark too climbs on board. “We’re all going,” Stark explains to a confused looking Steve. Wanda, Clint, Bruce, Sam, and Natasha all climb on board as well. “Well, not all of us,” Stark continues, “Thor and Vision are staying back to keep an eye on Loki and the rest of the Compound.”

“No use arguing,” Wanda says to Steve, buckling herself into a seat. Clint takes over the driver’s seat and Bucky lets him. “We’re a family, and she’s part of this family,” Natasha says, wrapping an arm around Bucky, who closes his eyes but remains stiff. Steve nods and the quinjet starts up and speeds into the night towards Siberia and whatever terrors from Bucky’s past they might find.

It had been well past three in the morning when the Christmas party ended. After four painful hours of searching for Y/N using every system Stark possessed, they had received the video footage. Now seven in the morning and not having slept all night, Bucky is running on adrenaline. He should sleep. There’s nothing he can do until they arrive and although Clint and the quinjet are fast, it’ll still take around five hours to arrive.

He should sleep but he can't. Not when Steve tells him to, not when Natasha covers him with a blanket, and not even when Wanda eases into his mind. It just won't happen, not until he has Y/N in his arms again. The rest of the team tries to sleep, but none of them manage more than an hour. Everyone is on edge, afraid of what might happen or of what might have already happened.

Maria Hill notifies them that Bucky was right, that the video was traced to the same location where Hydra had turned Bucky into the Winter Soldier. It should be a good thing, that they’ve got this tiny head start, but no one wants to say what they’re all thinking: that things are significantly worse due to this. She tells them that she’ll send along any other footage of Y/N that they receive, but nothing comes in for the rest of the journey.

Due to the time differences and the five-hour flight time the sun has set on Christmas Eve by the time they arrive. Seven at night in the middle of nowhere, and it’s freezing cold and pitch black. Bucky knows the place though, remembers the land and he’s grateful for it. He considers telling Clint to land in an inconspicuous spot, but he figures there’s no real point. The enemy already knows that they’re coming.

The Hydra base is mostly underground, and thoroughly protected, but that doesn’t stop them. The Avengers are in full fight mode as they storm the base. Attacking, killing, and destroying wherever they go. Bucky’s body seems to move on its own, Steve following closely behind, as they search for Y/N. No one has announced on the comms that they have found her, but they keep going.

Once every room has been searched, the team meets up once more. Bucky didn’t want to do this unless he has to, but now thinking back on it, it’s probably the first place he should have gone. At least now he’ll have all the backup possible. He leads them to a hidden entrance, one that not even Natasha or Stark’s tech had picked up on. His memories flash through as he runs through it, back to the room where it all began.

The room is empty when he gets there, but there are still a dozen other rooms, other cells, and other labs where they repeated the experiment with others, and so they split up once more to further search. He’s alone when he sees it, the chair. He’s blinded by it, exactly how his enemies wanted it, planned for it. But Bucky’s faster, sharper, more aware and so even when distracted by all of his terrors and his fears coming to the front of his mind, he stops them.

They’re dead in seconds, all six of them, unable to use any of their weapons, words, or syringes to subdue him. He turns back to look at the chair. He wants to destroy it, but there’s no real point, the chair didn’t torture him, these people did. Besides, it’s insignificant, especially when he still needs to find Y/N. Because that is his biggest fear: that they’ll have hurt her the way they hurt him.

He calls the team on the comms and they come towards him to see the chair and bodies. “We’re done here,” he tells them. No one argues, they just follow Bucky’s lead back out into the snowy night. “Blow it up,” Bucky commands and Stark turns to point a missile at the base, but Steve stops him. “Wait,” Steve begs, “wait until we find her.”

Bucky shakes him off, but Stark doesn’t fire. “There’s another place,” Bucky explains as he walks back to the quinjet. “But,” his voice cracks, “she’s probably already dead.” He doesn’t want to believe it, but there’s also no proof of the opposite. Wanda tries to comfort him, but he refuses contact and marches onward. He will keep searching. “Let’s go,” he commands, and they follow.

Back in the quinjet, the night is even darker than before. “There,” Bucky points out, and Clint can just make it out, a shakily built structure haphazardly leaning over a not quite frozen river. Clint immediately turns on the headlights to properly see. It’s a mistake though, when they are immediately forced to dodge an attack.

The night sky is suddenly lit up with explosions. Stark, Wanda, and Sam fly out into the night, firing back at the enemy, but Bucky doesn’t pay much attention. His focus is on a small form on the rickety structure. He spots the torn red dress, and as he watches the body fall, he moves without thinking. He doesn’t hear Steve’s shouts or feel Bruce’s hands try to stop him. He just jumps.

The water is like ice, but it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. It’s her, it has to be her, he thinks as he struggles in the water, moving towards where he last caught a flash of red. It’s so dark and he wonders if he’s going to die here or if the serum will allow him to freeze and be thawed out in a hundred years like Steve. He wonders what that would be like, waking only to learn that everyone he loves is dead.

But then the metal chain catches the light of a particularly large explosion, and he dives back under. He’s not sure what he thinks after that point, not sure if he thinks at all. But he reaches the body and it’s her and nothing else seems to matter. He manages to free her from the weight that is chained both around her neck and arms, crushing the metal easily with his cybernetic arm.

Her now in his arms, he pushes hard off the bottom of the river and is immediately swept back up in the current. They struggle in the water, and he knows it’s taking too long. It’s been too long for her without air. It’s been too long for her in the frozen water. It’s been too long, and he’s scared. They break free and he gasps for air, lifting her up above the water as much as he can.

He doesn’t know how far downstream they were pushed, but he manages to get her out of the water and onto the snow-covered Siberian ground. He’s cold himself, and being a super soldier, he wonders how she’s alive. But alive she is, he can feel her faint heartbeat as she shakes in his arms. He holds her close to his chest, her body pushed up against his. She’s blue from the cold, but she’s breathing. She’s fading in and out of consciousness and he needs to get her someplace warm and safe fast.

The explosions are still loud and bright, but even brighter is the quinjet as it approaches them. Bruce and Natasha jump down as Clint lands the plane, and they quickly help Bucky up. Bucky won’t let Bruce take Y/N out of his arms, as he stumbles back into the warmth of the quinjet. Once inside though, he starts to feel his own exhaustion, and allows them to help so that Bruce can properly check her over.

She starts shaking as soon as they lay her down, so much so that they put her back in Bucky’s arms. Snug in his embrace, still unconscious, they quickly dry her off and redress her in warmer clothes. It’s a bit unnecessary, considering they’ll soon have to remove them to examine the number of cuts and bruises covering her body, but it’s more of a comfort thing. They need her to feel safe and to warm up first.

As they wrap her in a thick blanket she starts to wake. She groans softly in pain and Bucky tries to hold her more gently, squeezing her less. Natasha is still drying her hair when she starts to gag. She starts to throw up, and it is mostly water, but Bucky still feels terrible for her. Finally, with a little color in her cheeks, and the excess water out, Bruce gets Y/N out of Bucky’s arms and onto the examination table.

Bruce attaches a heart rate monitor to her chest and a blood pressure cuff to her arm. Bucky doesn’t know what much of the rest is, but soon she’s covered in wires and cords with an oxygen mask over her face. “We don’t know what is wrong yet,” Bruce explains, seeing Bucky’s expression. He peels back her shirt and starts stitching up a deep wound. Natasha starts dabbing disinfectant on some of her other wounds.

Now in the bright lights of the quinjet, Y/N on the table, Bucky can see all that they did to her. She’s covered in cuts, some deep and small, some shallow and long. She’s dirty from their impromptu swim, mud and a few rotting leaves in her hair. He picks them out, wondering why he is so utterly useless. Natasha and Bruce are patching her up, Clint is manning the quinjet, firing off into the distance every once in a while, but Bucky is useless. He doesn’t know how to help.

“You should change too,” Natasha tells him, as if reading his mind. “Get yourself cleaned up and then grab me more gauze.” He grabs the gauze first but does wipe himself down with a towel and change into dry clothes. He just wants to hold her in his arms again. “Here,” Bruce tells him, “hold down here,” he gestures to a large wound on her hip that is still oozing blood.

He immediately does what he was asked to do and puts pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. It must hurt though, or maybe something else does, because she wakes again, moaning in pain. Bucky feels terrible, but he doesn’t stop the pressure, instead trying to soothe her by stroking her damp hair. Bruce adjusts the IV drip and she falls back under again.

“It’s alright,” Bruce tells him, “we don’t want her to be in pain, and we’re not entirely sure what kind of damage has been done yet.” Damage? Bucky doesn’t know what to say that, without his voice betraying his emotions, but once again there’s no need. This team is almost as protective of Y/N as he is. Even Clint, who had never met Y/N until this very moment, shows this protectiveness as he speaks. “I can get to a hospital in ten minutes, should we go and come back for the rest later?”

“No,” Bruce answers calmly, “she’s fine, it’s not worth the hassle.” Bucky isn’t sure about this though. Hadn’t Bruce said just the other day that he wasn’t that kind of doctor? “If there was anything a hospital could do that she needed and that I can't do for her, we’d have already left,” Bruce reassures him calmly, focused on cleaning out a cut.

“She’s fine,” Bruce reassures again. “Her vitals are fine, actually really incredible for what she’s been through. She’ll probably have pneumonia,” he says, “from the cold water and all that. She uh, could have some brain damage too but, um, we won’t be able to tell until we run some tests, and there’s no real urgency to that.” Bucky panics at this information. “Brain damage?” he manages to squeak out.

Natasha stops with the bandages to grab Bucky’s hand. “It’s just a possibility. Brain damage makes it sounds much scarier than it is.” Bruce frowns at this. “Brain damage is what it is. Cerebral hypoxia, when the brain is deprived of oxygen,” he explains going into a full explanation of how lack of oxygen affects the systems of the body.

“Right now, we should just be thankful that she’s alive,” Natasha reasons once she has stopped Bruce’s blabbering. “We’ll deal with that if it happens, but since it probably won’t, there’s no point in getting worked up over it now.” Bucky knows that she’s right and that there’s nothing he can do if her brain has been damaged, so he goes back to concentrating on keeping pressure on the hip wound and holding her hand. He focuses on her, trying to ignore the rest of the world.

Natasha suddenly looking nervous, glances at Bucky then turns to Bruce. “She hasn’t, though right?” Natasha murmurs, voice low and anxious. “No, she hasn’t,” Bruce responds steadily. Bucky looks up in confusion, eyes swiveling between Bruce and Natasha. “She hasn’t what?” Bucky asks harshly, disliking not understanding what was happening.

Bruce and Natasha have a private conversation with just their eyes. They both turn back to Bucky. “As far as I can tell, she hasn’t been administered a form of the serum,” Bruce says cautiously. “Serum,” Bucky whispers looking horrified. He feels as though he might explode; this can’t be happening. “Bucky calm down,” Natasha tells him. “We don’t think she has it, but even if it has happened there’s no point in worrying about it now.”

“So, how’d she survive then?” Bucky asks, not believing Bruce’s words. “Yeah, it’s freezing out there,” Natasha comments, trying to sound casual as Bucky watches Y/N’s heart beat on the monitor. He can tell that Natasha is nervous too. She and Y/N had grown close, and Bucky knew that Natasha was very protective of her as well.

“I’m not entirely sure,” Bruce admits, hovering over her body, still examining some of the worse wounds. “But I’m guessing it has to do with you, Bucky.” He looks up at Bucky carefully. “Your body heat probably helped save her life,” Bruce tells him before pausing to listen to Y/N’s lungs. “There’s still some fluid, but she should be fine,” he comments quietly.

“My body heat?” Bucky questions, wanting to go back to the previous topic. “Right,” Bruce states carefully, “your body adjusts itself to extreme temperatures easily so when you jumped your body heated up in response to the cold water. Your heat warmed her when you held her, which is why along with the fact that her wounds are not healing before our eyes, I think that she has not been administered a super serum.”

Bruce turns to face Bucky again, glasses low on his nose. “Without you she’d probably be dead.” A pause before Bucky answers, “without me she’d never be in this situation in the first place.” They’re quiet as they continue to work on fixing up Y/N. Neither Bruce nor Natasha know what to say after that. It’s a true statement, but it’s also unhealthy to think about what could’ve been. “So, where’s Steve?” Bucky asks, breaking the silence.

“The idiot jumped out after you,” Natasha tells him, gently removing his hand from Y/N’s hip and disinfecting it. Before he can get too worried about what happened to Steve, the hatch of the quinjet opens and the team shuffles inside. The battle must have ended while they were taking care of Y/N, but to be honest Bucky had forgotten about it the second he had her in his arms.

The team looks relatively unharmed and they are all relieved to see Y/N alive and being taken care of. It’s not until they crowd around Y/N that Bucky realizes Steve isn’t with them. “Where’s Steve?” Tony asks, before Bucky can put his thoughts into words. Bruce, still occupied with Y/N, looks up in surprise. “I thought he was with you. He’s not here?” Bruce looks around the quinjet as if Steve is hiding from them.

“Nope, haven’t seen him since he jumped after Barnes,” Sam answers while removing his wings and watching Y/N’s vitals on the screen. “How is she?” Wanda whispers, one hand stroking Y/N’s hair, her other hand squeezing Bucky’s. Bucky squeezes her hand back in response, knowing that he can’t talk without breaking down, and that he can’t break down until he knows Steve is safe too.

“She’s doing great,” Bruce answers, “in fact she’s stable enough to fly so we should find Steve and get out of here.” Clint answers from the cockpit, “on it, gonna scan the riverbank for Rogers.” Bruce fiddles with Y/N’s IV and the computer, but then starts to strap her down for flight. Bucky doesn’t like the look of that. It’s not metal chains or zip ties, and it’s definitely no brain erasing murderer making chair, but he still doesn’t like it.

“Stop,” he commands Bruce, stopping his moments easily. Bruce looks confused and ready to argue this, but Wanda stops him. “It’s fine Bruce, she doesn’t have to be laying there does she?” Bucky wants to thank Wanda for her intervention, but his voice is caught in his throat again.

“I guess not,” Bruce mutters and he allows Bucky to pick up Y/N. Bucky stretches his legs out on the row of seats, and carefully lies Y/N on top of him, her head against his chest. He wraps his arms around her in a careful embrace, wanting to pull her close, but not agitate her wounds.

“You better fly smooth,” Sam tells Clint, who glances back and nods in understanding. The battle over, the night is back to pitch black, with the river barely visible. The heat sensors pick up bodies soon enough though. Clint eases into a dive back down to the river. As they approach, they can see splashing and grunts of pain. Unsure of what was happening and wanting to avoid turning on the lights as to avoid alerting others of their presence, they wait it out.

A few seconds pass by before they decide they can no longer wait it out. They are too impatient and too daring, so Tony and Sam both exit to get a better view. Bucky just holds Y/N and hopes that things are going alright. He won’t admit it but he’s too scared to watch. Everything that could go wrong seems to have gone recently and he doesn’t want to see how far that will go.

Eventually Sam and Tony return with a soaked Steve. Steve looks cold and miserable, but his first move once inside isn’t to clean himself up or dry himself off, he looks for Y/N. “Thank god,” he breathes out, moving close, “they said she was fine, but.” His voice cuts off and Bucky can see just how relieved his friend is to see Y/N alive and safe.

“Dry off, you’ll drip water all over her,” Wanda scolds, throwing Steve a towel. Steve dries off and changes as they speed off back home. “Wait why isn’t she at a hospital?” Steve questions, once he has sat back down and looked over her frail form with numerous bruises and wounds. Before Steve can freak out even more about it, Bruce explains that she’s doing fine, and that it would take longer to ensure a hospital was Hydra free and secure than it would to just fly home.

Steve doesn’t like this response. “We would protect her! You should’ve taken her to a hospital!” Bruce shakes his head at Steve, and tells him, “we have enough medical equipment on board, and we all have had emergency medical training, including you, Steve.” At this reminder Steve finally yields, and they all settle back into their seats for the journey home.

The flight home is just as long as the flight over here, but it’s completely different to Bucky. Time just doesn’t seem real anymore, not after all that has happened. The team doesn’t seem to be much affected though, as they doze off in their seats. Bucky starts to get mad as he watches them. They didn’t understand that everything had changed.

He’s not really mad at them though, not really. They did all that they could do and more. They’ve supported him and now they’re just tired and deserve rest. No, he’s mad at Hydra and their schemes to get him back in their control. He’s mad at what they did to her, furious actually. But none of that anger towards those bastards compares to the hatred he feels for himself.

How dare he do this to her. How dare he put her in this kind of danger, the kind of danger that almost left her dead. Hadn’t he learned when he almost killed her in his sleep? Apparently not, and at this point he’s furious at himself for the fact that he may never learn. What if he never does learn? Will he have to leave her? Should he leave her?

As they cross Europe his anger wears off and then he’s really just scared. She’s covered in so many bandages and so hurt. Her entire body is bruised and battered, including her face. And he can’t do anything to change that. He’s terrified of the world he has brought her into. The dangers that has allowed to enter her life. He’s lost in his thoughts and then, as they get even closer to home, she wakes up again.

“Bucky?” is all she mumbles before feeling his embrace and falling asleep again, but it’s enough. Hearing her voice so small and uncertain and afraid, and saying his name, breaks him.  Sure, they say that she’s fine, she’s just exhausted and freaked out and still on a lot of drugs, but her pain pains Bucky in return. He hopes that she recognizes his arms and knows that she is safe now.

In the quiet of the quinjet, with nothing but Y/N on his mind, Bucky cries. He cries unlike any time he’s ever cried before. He had cried when he remembered Steve, he cried when he realized the severity of all that he had done, he had cried when he had particularly bad nightmares, but none of those times had ever left him feeling like this. His cries wake the team, but he’s too distraught to care, too distraught to be comforted. He’s still crying when they land at the Compound.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops so it turns out this chapter is over three times longer than my shortest chapter, so sorry about that. I guess I just got carried away. Enjoy!

You wake up feeling disoriented and achy. You don’t recognize the room you're in at all, but you don’t freak out, because you do recognize the man next to you. Bucky is by your side, slouched over and asleep in a chair, his hand in yours. You can't help but smile when you see him, but that hurts. Your face is sore, and you gently let go of Bucky’s hand to feel your skin. The movement of your arm and what feels like a swollen cheek both pain you.

Bucky stirs when you release his hand, and soon he’s wide awake and blinking rapidly. “Y/N,” he whispers reverently, “you’re up.” He pushes a button and holds your hand once more. “What day is it?” you ask, your voice scratchy. Bucky helps you drink water from a plastic cup and smooths your hair back soothingly. “It’s Christmas day, doll,” he answers once you’ve settled back down into the pillows.

“Oh no. I’ll have completely ruined the holiday,” you say frowning, but that hurts too, so you stop. Your brain is fuzzy and unwilling to comprehend where you are or what has happened. You feel exhausted and you’re in pain, but your anxiety doesn’t relent. You feel terrible for the great inconvenience you’ve made; you just aren’t entirely sure what it is that you did. Bucky can tell you’re getting worked up though, and he calms and soothes you until your heart rate, which is shown on a monitor, returns to normal.

A knock is heard at the door. “Finally,” Bucky mutters as Dr. Banner enters with a stranger. “This is Dr. Helen Cho, she’s been monitoring your health,” Bruce explains as the woman smiles and looks over some information on a tablet. “Bruce did a good job with your stitches,” she states calmly. You weren’t even aware you had stitches, but ignoring the pain and lifting up your top, you see the scars.

“The regeneration cradle would have done a much better job. You wouldn’t even know you’d been hurt, but ever since Ultron,” she’s about to continue, but your heart rate has skyrocketed. You’re nauseous from seeing your wounds and finally starting to remember all that had happened. Everything was all coming back to you in floods, and it was getting hard to breathe. Dr. Cho must adjust your medicine or something, because you slowly come down from what feels like the start of a panic attack, Bucky looking terrified.

“We’re going to need you to take it easy, Y/N,” Dr. Cho tells you, but she’s a stranger and you’re more vulnerable than you want to be in front of a stranger. Her words mean nothing to you, and not even Bucky rubbing circles on your back, is enough to calm you all the way down. “Why don’t we give them a moment Helen,” Bruce suggests, guiding the doctor out of the room. Helen finishes tapping on the tablet and leaves with Bruce.

You let out a huge sigh once the door closes. “Bucky what is going on?” you ask him, terrified. “I remember some, but,” your voice is too choked up to continue. Bucky embraces you and continues rubbing your back soothingly. Your body aches less and less and soon you’re being pulled back under with the feeling of Bucky’s warmth soothing you. You know you’re safe.

When you wake again, sunlight is pouring in through the window and Bucky is still by your side. “Hi,” you mumble to him, and he immediately looks up from the book he’s reading. You recognize it as the first present he ever bought you. “Do you like it?” you ask, your brain still a bit muddled. “What?” he responds confused, but seeing the direction of your vision, nods and tells you, “yeah, baby. It’s a good book, sad though.”

You nod slowly, your head feeling like it weighs twice as much as it should. “Are you alright?” he asks nervously. You give the smallest nod in response. “Should I get Bruce or Dr. Cho back in here?” he questions. You give a tiny shake this time. “Okay, darling, just take it slow,” he pacifies, taking your head in his hands. The throbbing in your head eases at his cool touch.

“Bucky, what is going on?” you repeat once you’ve had a little more time to wake up. He looks nervous, afraid to answer. “Bucky, please. Where am I and what’s going on?” You’re begging him now and he can’t even look you in the eyes. He looks around the room as if the walls will answer for him. “We’re back in the Compound. In a room in the medical bay,” he explains simply.

You remember your wounds and look down at your stomach again. They’re still there but healing much faster than you would’ve thought possible. “Is it still Christmas?” you ask next. Bucky nods, “still Christmas, it’s nearly three in the afternoon now though.” You look around the room and out the window. You can see a bit of the lake from here. The sight gives you chills, but you aren’t entirely sure why.

“Do you remember the Christmas party?” Bucky asks gently. You think back. Yes of course you remember the Christmas party. “Do you remember what happened that night?” he asks again, voice ever so careful. You think harder, and yes, you remember the man with the water bottle, only it hadn’t been water at all. You shudder violently and Bucky wraps you up in his arms. “Shhhh, it’s okay darling, I’ve got you,” he soothes.

He holds you tightly as more and more of the night comes back to your mind. The fear is erupting in your mind, but the proximity of Bucky, his scent, touch, sound is enough to chase some of the fear away. “Should I call the doctors?” Bucky asks you. You shake your head, still trying to process everything. There was so much, could it all have been real? You check the scars on your stomach, feel the bruise on your cheek. It all happened.

“How’d you guys find me? What all happened here?” you question Bucky. He frowns and tries to come up with an answer. “Darling we don’t need to do this now, I don’t want you to get all worked up again,” he placates, still stroking your hair. “No Bucky, I need to know. Please just tell me.” You sound more confident than you feel, but you really do need to know what actually happened. You need to be able to separate imagination from reality.

Bucky tells you his side of the story from the very beginning. He explains how he got distracted with Thor and Steve and hadn’t protected you. You try to interrupt that it hadn’t been his job to protect you, but he continues on without stopping. He tells you how they realized you were gone and how they waited and waited until they finally got a video message. He divulges how once he saw it; he immediately knew where you were.

He explains how they all went to Siberia in the quinjet. He describes how they searched the base, but you were nowhere to be found. They then searched the surrounding area and found you on a tower by the river. He tells you how he saw you fall, and how he jumped in after you. Tears are flowing at this point, both out of your eyes and his.

“I thought you were going to die but you made it.” He’s whispering now, his voice sounding so very afraid. “We thought you’d have brain damage, hypoxia or something, but the scans showed no abnormalities so you're fine. You’re safe now,” he chokes out, still crying. You’re shocked and surprised and very, very scared, but he’s right, you’re safe now.

Once you’ve both had a little time to recover and process the retelling of the events, he explains a little more about the medical side of things. He tells how blue you were and how they had cleaned and stitched you up in the quinjet. He explains how they had arrived at the Compound very early today on Christmas morning and had scanned your brain and body for any damage. He repeats again, as if trying to convince himself, that you are fine and that you are safe.

You’re still a bit freaked out and overwhelmed, but his presence and his voice are still comforting. You aren’t sure if you know how to put your side of the story into words, or if it’s all that necessary, or if Bucky even wants to hear it, so you don’t. Instead you apologize profusely for not having done more. You apologize for needing rescue and having to put so much stress on him and the entire team.

Bucky barely listens to your apologies. “You have no need to apologize,” he explains. “You did absolutely nothing wrong, so I can’t accept your apology.” He pauses looking uncomfortable, “but I also don’t expect you to accept my apologies either.” You're confused. He did nothing wrong, what does he have to apologize for?

Bucky starts to explain all of his faults and how he had messed up terribly. He talks about how he still wasn’t taking the medicine to stop the nightmares even though he told them all that he was. He chatters on about how he should have stayed by your side at the party. He rambles about how he should have done more with your training, or that he should’ve been quicker to notice your disappearance. He’s ashamed and incredibly distraught.

You hear his guilt, but you refuse to acknowledge it. You don’t blame him at all, and you repeat that probably a dozen times in attempt to stop his babbling, but he doesn’t seem to hear. So, you let him get all the weight off his chest in his guilt-ridden apology. By the end of it you’re exhausted again, so you pull Bucky up onto the narrow bed, snuggle back into his embrace, and fall back asleep.

It’s Boxing Day morning when you wake, and yes Bucky is still by your side. He is no longer on the bed, surely having escaped when you were on a higher dose of drugs, but he is still holding your hand. “Good morning,” he says sweetly, as you stretch in bed. Your body aches, but there’s no sharp pains, and also a lack of wires. No more heart rate monitor and no more IV.

“The team really wants to see you,” Bucky informs you. “But, if you’re not ready yet they can wait.” You carefully sit up in bed, Bucky fluffing the pillows up for you to be as comfortable as possible. “That would be great, I really need to thank all of them,” you answer. “First maybe some breakfast though?” You're not sure when’s the last time you ate, and although you’re not starving, food sounds right.

“Of course, doll,” Bucky responds warmly, standing up to go get you breakfast. “Oh,” you say a bit surprised. He turns back to face you, taking your hand in his again. “Are you alright? Does something hurt?” Bucky questions with worry on his face. “I’m fine,” you admit, “just hoped you could stay here with me.” You’re a bit embarrassed by your confession, but at the same time you really do not want him to leave you alone.

“I’ll stay,” he decides and sits back down in the chair by your bed, “I’ll get someone to bring us breakfast instead.” You smile at Bucky shyly, agreeing with his idea. “Alright if I get Steve to bring it?” he asks, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “That sounds perfect,” you answer, and he calls Steve immediately. Steve of course answers on the first ring, and at first what you can hear of Steve’s voice sounds afraid, but maybe you’re just imagining it because it quickly reverts back to what he has always sounded like.

You don’t catch much of the conversation, but Bucky tells Steve to bring a whole variety of breakfast foods for you and then hangs up. You wait in silence, Bucky humming along softly to a song coming from the hallway. You’re getting a bit anxious as you wait, but you try to remind yourself that it’s just Steve, Bucky’s best friend. He won’t be mad at you, and even if he is, Bucky will surely prevent him from saying anything too mean.

Your stomach is in knots as you hear a knock on the door, Steve entering with a massive tray in both hands. “Good morning,” he says a little too loudly, and you can't help but flinch. Steve and Bucky both catch this and after a quick glance at one another, continue to speak in a much softer and slower tone. “I’m so glad you’re doing okay, Y/N,” Steve speaks gently, setting down the tray on a table.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t get there faster.” Steve’s words surprise you. They had gotten there fast though, hadn’t they? Hadn’t they arrived just in time? Bucky can sense your distress and distracts you with the food. “Looks like we’ve got Wanda’s pancakes, sausage, bacon, oatmeal, fruit, toast, waffles, eggs,” he lists options for seemingly forever. “Whatever you want, doll.”

You choose a piece of toast, overwhelmed with the selection at hand. You’re unsure if your stomach can handle anything too extravagant right now anyway. Bucky spreads strawberry jam on your toast for you and you slowly start to eat. Bucky and Steve watch you eat, unsure of what to do themselves. You finish a piece, then offer the rest of the food to them. At least this way they’ll focus on the food rather than you.

Bucky first spreads jam on another slice of toast for you, then both boys dig into the breakfast. It’s gone quickly and then you’re back to sitting in silence. “How was your Christmas, Steve?” you ask nervously, “did you manage to pull Bucky away for any of the festivities?” Again, Steve glances at Bucky to have a conversation made up entirely of facial expressions.

“Christmas was fine,” Steve answers. “We were all just so relieved that you were home and safe.” He pauses to look at Bucky again. “There weren’t really any festivities. We were all just so worried about you, we decided to put them off for later. It didn’t feel right to do it without you.” You grow more uncomfortable with the sound of that. You didn’t want them to skip the joy of the holidays just because of you.

“As for Bucky,” Steve continues, “no, none of us managed to pull him away from you. Not that we really tried to, either. We wanted to make sure you felt safe and secure and Bucky didn’t want you to have to wake up alone, so he stayed.” You can only nod to acknowledge this information. It was what you had assumed of course, but hearing it was a whole other matter. Bucky hadn’t left your side and you are so thankful for it.

You squeeze Bucky’s hand covertly under the covers, but by the soft smile that crosses Steve’s face, you figure he notices it too. Both Bucky’s and Steve’s phones light up at the same time, and they both reach to check their messages. They glance at each other once more, and you're starting to get sick of all of their wordless communication. “What is it? Do you need to go?” you ask, sounding a bit impatient.

“No, doll, not at all,” Bucky explains easily. “It’s just that Sam and Wanda have been itching to come see you as well.” You think this over. Are you ready to see everyone else? If they want to see you, they can’t possibly be upset, can they? Steve hadn’t been anything but kind, so the rest must feel the same, right? “The whole team, really,” Steve adds on cheerfully. “We all just want to check on you and make sure that you’ve got everything you could possibly want or need.”

You nod again, not sure if you can trust your voice. “Sam, Wanda and Vision made cookies for you,” Bucky tells you, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. You offer a weak smile, still feeling nervous. They clearly aren’t upset if they made you cookies, but your heart still pounds in your chest. “Maybe not today,” Steve responds after seeing your expression, “I’ll update them on how you’re doing and then maybe tomorrow they can stop by.” Steve stands up to leave with the empty breakfast tray.

“No,” your voice squeaks, “no, it’s alright. I want to see them too. I want to thank them.” Steve smiles at this. “Y/N you don’t need to thank them, they just did what they always try to do, which is just help people.” You nod at this, sitting up straighter in your bed. “Yes, but it’s different,” you argue, not sure how to back it up. “Anyway, I still need to thank you Steve.” You gesture for him to sit back down, and he does so.

“Thank you so much for all that you did, Steve. Bucky told me how you dived into the river too and I don’t have the words to explain how grateful I am for all that you did. You risked your own life to save mine and I’ll owe you for that for forever.” Steve’s eyes are looking a little watery, but his smile is just as bright as you remembered it.

“You don’t owe me a thing, Y/N. In fact, I probably owe you for all the joy you’ve brought into my life and Bucky’s life and into this whole team. We love having you and we should really be apologizing to you for putting you in this situation.” You stiffen a bit as you remember the situation, but Steve’s voice is strong and stable. “We all just want you to be safe and happy.”

Steve excuses himself after that brief speech, and Bucky asks to make sure you’re alright. “Yes, I’m fine, Bucky,” you respond once you’ve rubbed your own watery eyes. “Are they coming soon? I want to see them.” Bucky holds up his phone so you can see the flurry of text messages from the team, all of them begging to come visit. “Are you ready?” he asks again once you’ve read through most of them. “I’ve told them they’ve gotta take it easy around you, but it still might be overwhelming.”

“I’ll be fine, Bucky,” you assure him. “Tell them to come.” He takes his phone back to send them a message and then informs you, “they’re on their way. Just Sam and Wanda first, then maybe others if you’re still up for it.” You nod, excited to see Wanda and Sam. It feels like it’s been years since you last saw them. It’s only been two days, but in reality, it should be more like years considering how much has changed since the Christmas party.

Another knock at the door and Wanda and Sam slowly enter the room. Sam holds a large platter of cookies in his hands, and they sure do smell delicious. “Chocolate chip, we made another batch just this morning,” Wanda informs you with a grin. She sits by your side and takes your hand in hers. “It’s so good to see you awake, Y/N. We’re so happy that you’re healing up and everything.” Wanda’s happiness is infectious.

Sam hands you a cookie and you accept it. They’re still warm and the chocolate melts in your mouth. “Thank you! These are delicious as always,” you tell them. They grin brightly at you, Sam sitting down next to Wanda. “Tony and Vision are busy talking to the authorities, but they send their love,” Sam tells you. “Pepper too,” Wanda adds in cheerfully.

“We’re all so happy you’re home now!” You can feel her happiness radiating off of her, but that feeling in the pit of your stomach is growing again. “I have to apologize to you guys,” you say urgently, “I owe you both so much for all that you did to come find me. I know I can’t possibly pay you back, but I hope you truly understand how grateful I am for your help.” Wanda and Sam glance nervously at Bucky, but you don’t notice and continue rambling on.

“I really don’t deserve all of your help though,” you continue anxiously. “I mean when I first met you all I was just some poor girl working a job I didn’t like. I was in so much debt and I was overworked but then I got this new job that I didn’t even deserve. There’s just so much I have that I never actually earned.” You’re on a roll now, unable to stop yourself, even though everyone around you is trying to convince you otherwise.

“I used to not know if I could afford a cab ride home and now, I have more money and more love than I deserve. I’m living rent free, there’s always so much food and so I have no real living expenses and yet I’m doing nothing to help all of you. In fact, I’m just burdening you even more with all of my problems.” Tears are falling down your face and Bucky is motioning for Sam and Wanda to leave, but you don’t want that either.

“If this had been the old me, I’d be in debt for the rest of my life paying off my medical bills. I want you to know how grateful I am for your support, even if I don’t deserve it.” Wanda grabs your hand once more and looking up at her you see that she too is crying. You immediately feel guilty for making her upset. “You deserved it all, you earned it all,” Wanda tells you gently.

You shake your head to disagree, but before you can explain, Sam dives into all of the ways that you’ve helped them. Sam talks about how you always supported the team and encouraged them, even when they made mistakes and people got hurt. You were always there to listen to their stories and you never complained if they couldn’t tell you actual mission details, just the parts that they felt most guilty about.

Wanda talks about how you’ve been such a good friend to them all. How you had brought the team closer together, how you had helped her on the anniversary of her brother’s death, how you had comforted them all whenever they needed it. You had listened to their complaints, put up with their arguing, and brought them closer together. You were the voice of reason for them and they needed you.

Bucky joins in too, explaining how much you have helped him as well. The others add to this, further explaining how messed up Bucky had been, how he would wander around the city lost, without a goal in mind, until he had met you. They tell you about how Bucky had suddenly had a purpose, a reason to improve himself with you in his life, and how that had inspired the whole team. You had inspired Tony to work on his relationship with Pepper, inspired Steve to focus on himself. You had helped in so many ways that you had never even realized.

Although surprised by all of their examples you do listen carefully in order to let them start to soak in. All their stories are true. You did help Sam when they got back from the mission in Florida, where he had seen an innocent child die right in front of him. You did stay up with Wanda all night on the anniversary of Pietro’s death, and then cooked with her all day in the kitchen. You did try to help them work out their fighting and bickering, even if it was just Tony blaming Bruce for moving things around in his lab. You had tried to help the team, it just never seemed important until now. Maybe, just maybe, this was enough for them to keep you around?

You listen to the rest of their stories and finally, once they can’t think of any more, Sam adds in a very logical point. “If one of us had been in your situation in Siberia and if you had our skills and powers, you would have done the same thing we did. Without a doubt in my mind, you would have done the same for us.” Wanda wholeheartedly agrees, “without question you would do the same.”

You are forced to agree. You most definitely would do the same, but does that even matter? You don’t have their powers or their skills, and you never will, so why did it even matter what you would do if you never would get the chance to? You would never be able to pay them back for how they had saved you, not properly. Maybe they were convinced that your small acts were worth something, but to you, you were still just a worthless burden. You hide these thoughts though and smile back at them.

“Besides that’s kind of our job you know,” Wanda says kindly. “It’s our job to protect people, especially the people we love, and we love you, Y/N. You’re part of our family.” Wanda sounds so earnest; you can’t help but believe that she believes what she’s said. “Plus, none of us got hurt or anything,” Sam adds in. “We’re all fine and safe. Nothing happened to the Compound when we were gone, and now you’re safe too. It’s a win win win. Everybody except Hydra wins!”

You laugh a little at that, but that still hurts your ribs a little, so you stop. “Thank you so much,” you tell them. “For the cookies, for your company, for your friendship. But most importantly thank you for rescuing me.” You’re starting to tear up again, but Bucky’s arm finds its way back around your shoulder and comforts you. Wanda and Sam say their goodbyes and exit the hospital room.

Once you have had enough time to compose yourself and Bucky has okayed it with you, Natasha visits next. The moment she walks into your room you dive into an apology. You go on explaining that you should have used what she taught you to fight back. You should have realized that the guy at the party wasn’t who you thought he was.  You shouldn’t have accepted his drink, should have gone for help, and so much more. If it had been Natasha in that situation, she wouldn’t have needed saving.

Despite your apologies and explanations of how it was your fault, Natasha doesn’t blame you at all. Instead she just wants you to focus on getting better. Her words are simple and plain, but you trust her, and you trust that she means what she says. She gives you a hug, says that she’ll see you tomorrow and then leaves. There’s not too much room for overthinking with Natasha, and you appreciate that.

Natasha pauses just outside of your door as she leaves, not even closing it all of the way.  A man who must have been standing there for a while had been waiting for her. They talk for a few moments, and then the man knocks on the half open door. You don’t recognize him at all, so you turn to Bucky for an explanation. Bucky just nods to the man at the door, who slowly walks in, feet just as silent as Natasha’s on the tile floor.

“You probably don’t care but I’m Clint,” the man introduces himself, holding out his hand for you to shake. “Hi, Hawkeye, right?” you answer shyly, remembering your conversations with Bucky about the unmet Avengers. “I flew the quinjet back here once we rescued you. I would’ve met you at the Christmas party, but I was late. I know I don’t know you but I’m really glad you’re doing okay. You really scared us out there. But I’m glad that Bucky has you and that you have him.”

“Thanks,” you manage to say, your throat feeling rough again. “Thank you for flying me here and for uh shooting arrows?” you say wrinkling your nose at how dumb your gratitude sounds, but in all fairness you’re pretty much out of words at this point. “I’m sorry, that was rude,” you tell him, but he just laughs and smiles. He tells you kind heartedly, “Don’t worry about it. I guess it’s good to know what kids these days think of me.”

“Oh, I’m not a kid,” you say, “now that Spider-Man, he’s an actual kid. I’m nearly thirty years old now.” Clint laughs again at that. “You’ve got a long way to go but you’re right. You’re definitely an adult, that spiderling on the other hand though.” He shakes his head as if thinking of the high schooler. “Take care of yourself,” he says and excuses himself, leaving you alone with Bucky again.

Bucky offers you another sip of water, but you shake your head. You’re starting to feel uncomfortable but not because of the hospital bed or because of your healing scars or because of your aching head. You’re uncomfortable because of the way Bucky is acting around you. Sure, he had always been protective and cautious before but now he was treating you like you were made of glass. You had appreciated it before, but now it was getting old and obnoxious. You think he needed the reminder that you are an adult more than Clint did.

You sigh and stare at Bucky who asks you for the millionth time if you’re comfortable or if you need anything. You shake your head then whine, “Bucky please just either hold me and take a nap with me or go away.” You regret it immediately, not actually wanting Bucky to leave and he isn’t pleased with this comment either. “I’m just trying to help you,” he tells you with a frown. You frown and sigh in response, feeling more and more crabby.

“I know,” you answer, “it’s just not the way I need help right now.” His mouth twitches in uncertainty but then he nods in understanding. “Well are you gonna scoot over or am I supposed to lay on top of you?” he teases, and you softly giggle, moving over so he can climb up to snuggle. Happy that you're back in his arms you relax easily. Soon you’re fast asleep but he’s still wide-awake wondering how he’s gonna forgive himself for what he did.

A couple of days pass by, and you’re cleared to leave the medical bay and move back into your room with Bucky. It’s a bit weird for the both of you, but you still don’t want him to leave your side. The team wants to celebrate your discharge from the hospital with a cake, but you’re not really in the mood. With promises that you’ll be ready to celebrate being home as well as Christmas tomorrow after a good night of sleep, you and Bucky head to bed.

You should take a proper shower now that you are home, but something about the thought of it still scares you. You settle for yet another sponge bath and try to ignore the icky feeling of uncleanliness. You fall asleep easily once you take your pain killers, and Bucky sleeps soundly by your side, thankful to be back in a bed instead of a chair.

In the morning, despite your promises, you’re still not in the mood for celebrations. You really just want to stay in bed all day. Bucky agrees, after all you might not have pneumonia, but you do have a bad cold and lots of wounds that need to heal. However, your day in bed doesn’t last a day, or even the long weekend. Even once your wounds are healed all you want to do is lay in bed all day every day.

Once it’s been a week and you still haven’t found the energy to celebrate Christmas or the New Year for that matter, Bucky starts to get worried. He continues to blame himself for everything and apologizes to you constantly. You haven’t been feeling well, and not because of your cold or your physical wounds. Bucky often has to beg you to eat and even when he does you can only manage a few bites, before you feel too sick to continue.

You’re not sure why, but you’re just so exhausted all the time. You feel as though you’ve constantly been hit by a train. One afternoon, you wake up to the sound of whispers. It’s Steve and Bucky in the kitchen in your quarters. Bucky is telling Steve that he doesn’t know what to do and that you desperately need help. Steve says he’ll talk to Sam about finding you a therapist and that Bucky should try not to worry so much. You fall asleep before you can hear Bucky’s response.

Talk of therapy starts the very next day. Bucky wakes you up at eight and begs you to take a shower and eat. You don’t shower, but you do eat a banana. Your day just gets worse though, when Sam corners you with options for counseling. Sam has found a whole bunch of therapists for you, some coming highly recommended, but you dislike them all. In the end, Sam tells you that you have to choose one, so you pick a file blindly and he sets up an appointment.

Therapy itself is a disaster. You immediately decide you hate it and your therapist. You already know that you are having a really rough time with things, so why do you need someone telling you that? You hate talking about what happened in Siberia because then you have to actually think about what happened. Then all of the horrors come back in your mind and they terrify you. You start having nightmares of drowning, or bleeding out, or having Bucky watch you get cut to pieces.

You start skipping therapy sessions. There’s not much you can do, not when they are mandatory, and Stark is probably paying a fortune, but you hate therapy so much you don’t care. You end up hiding in order to not have to go. Most times you just hide in bed and tell FRIDAY not to let anyone in, but that rarely works. Someone will tell FRIDAY it’s an emergency and the doors unlock immediately. You complain to Stark about this flaw, but he doesn’t listen.

It’s one of those days where you’re hiding in bed to avoid therapy when Sam declares it’s an emergency to enter your room. You pretend to be asleep, but he just pulls back the covers and tells you to get up. You do get up, but move as slowly as possible, just to annoy him. You expect him to drag you downstairs and to your session, but instead he sits you down at the kitchen table.

“You know I’m the one around here who’s always cracking the jokes and making a fool of myself to entertain everyone,” Sam says. “Yeah, what's the point,” you grumble. Sam ignores your rude tone and moves on. “That’s my point, that’s my role in this weird family of ours. Not my job but just who I am. It’s not your job to make Bucky happy or to make him feel special but it’s your role because that’s just who you are as a person.”

He pauses to make you think about that. “You specifically make him happy. I know that for a fact. And even when you feel like shit and you think about how you’re fucked you just remember that we’re all fucked up and that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you make Bucky happy. Not because it’s your duty to do so or because you have to work at it but because of who you are.”

Your face feels hot from Sam’s words.  You turn away so you don’t have to look at him as he continues to talk. “It’s just natural to have these feelings. It’s why you need to keep going to therapy. But you can’t push us away. Not me, not Steve, not your therapist, and not Bucky. I know it’s hard to open up to someone you’ve just met, but I found you a trained professional because you need a trained professional. Just remember that if you need to talk to someone who already knows you, we’re here for you too. We all love and care about you in our own ways and we all need you in our ways.”

You’re blinking back tears now, but Sam’s still not done with his speech. “We’re a family and whether you like it or not you’re stuck with us now. I might be the funny guy most of the time but that’s what this team needs a lot of the time. There’s a lot of tension and stress and fear in this line of work and the way I am as a person makes me want to relieve that stress and turn it into joy.”

Sam grabs your hands and you’re forced to turn to face him once more. “I want to help you, whatever you need whatever it is I want to help. We all want to help you because you’ve all helped us in some way.” Sam’s got such a big smile on his face you can't help but smile back at him. You pause to wipe away your tears and he stands and moves his chair over to yours, his arm wrapping around your shoulder.

“That’s some speech. Think you’re gonna get Steve’s job someday?” you tease.  A few seconds pass by in silence and you know Sam is waiting to hear something substantial. “I am trying you know,” you tell him earnestly. “I know,” he answers, nodding his head solemnly, encouraging you to go on.

“It’s just really hard. I didn’t think my life was going to end up like this but here I am anyway, and I don’t know what to do about it. This wasn’t part of the plan. None of this was,” you gesture at the space around you. “No one really knows where their life is going to end up. But that’s kind of the point of life isn’t it? To live and see where it takes you? See where you take yourself?”

You smile at Sam’s words, more and more glad that he decided to talk to you instead of sending you to your therapist. “When’d you get so wise, birdbrain?” Sam pretends to be hurt by your nickname. “I’ve always been wise, miss smarty pants.” You laugh at his retort, “smarty pants? Am I back in the third grade?” He squeezes you in a half hug then stands up to leave. “Seriously though, Y/N, we're all here for you. To help you figure out wherever you want to go and how to get there.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life has just been really overwhelming lately and as a result I just feel like my writing has gotten crappy. I’m sorry if you’ve noticed it too, but at this point I just want to wrap this story up. I don’t know if any of this is logical anymore, but just try to go with it. Sorry if this isn’t what you expected it would be, but I’m running out of motivation, so let’s just hope I can wrap it up properly.

It’s the end of the first week of the new year, and Y/N hasn’t made any big improvements. Any improvement is good, Sam tells him over and over again, but Bucky just feels like he could be helping more. He’s trying to both give her space and show his undying support, but he’s finding it difficult to balance the two. She is improving though, and every day he sees a little more life in her eyes.

Y/N is back in the med bay for a checkup when Bucky decides to meet up with Steve. It’s been ages since they had a moment to talk, and that was all before everything had happened. There’s so many important things that Bucky needs to hear from his friend. Unfortunately, one of these things is not Steve’s encouragement or support, it’s the necessary explanation of how the newly found Hydra base has so far been handled.

Steve is in full military style debriefing mode when Bucky sits down, a large cup of coffee in hand. It’s the afternoon, but he’s been relying more and more on caffeine these days, finding it hard to keep up with Y/N’s erratic sleep schedule. She’d sleep all day for a week straight, then go over thirty hours without a nap. It was just one of the many reasons she had headed in for a checkup, one that Bruce had explained would take hours.

Steve drones on about the boring logistics of their mission, the longitude and latitude of the base, the total flight time, and all sorts of other garbage Bucky doesn’t give a damn about. He wonders when Steve got to be this way, following the rules and regulations to a T.

The Steve from the war had been willing to break any rules to do what he thought was right. He figures Steve will still do the same, but he knows that his friend feels the weight of responsibility now too. There aren’t too many other historical figures alive and well and Steve wants terribly to be a good role model. It’s probably why he did all those dumb videos for the public school system, Bucky recalls smirking a little.

Steve still keeps rambling on about reports and whatnot, and Bucky can tell that he is aware of how unnecessary this is, but he doesn’t stop. Bucky finds it hard to concentrate on Steve’s words. He’s busy thinking about how they’re probably scanning Y/N’s brain again, or how they’re making sure her scars are healing nicely. He should be by her side, but Steve had needed to talk, and Y/N had said she could handle it on her own. He still should’ve gone.

“Buck, you listening?” Steve wakes him from his thoughts. “I know that was all the boring stuff, but I do have some real information to tell you about.” Steve waits for Bucky to swallow down more coffee and look him in the eye. “Yesterday we sent a team of agents to the base to examine the wreckage.” Bucky is confused, choking a little on his drink. “Wreckage?” he asks plainly.

“Yes, the wreckage. We bombed the place once we had Y/N. Don’t you remember?” Steve is looking at his friend curiously, but Bucky is getting lost in his mind again. How did he not remember this? Sure, he had been focused on Y/N, but shouldn’t have the destruction of the place that had now both hurt him and her caught his attention? Shouldn’t he have asked about this before?

Feeling ill about how oblivious he has been to the efforts to eradicate Hydra; Bucky refocuses on Steve who is still talking about the wreckage. It’s boring and Bucky doesn’t want to hear about the biological samples collected or the number of Hydra made weapons discovered. He sips slowly on his coffee, it's already getting cold and Steve has just started.

“Bucky, seriously,” Steve says harshly, causing Bucky to lurch a little in his seat. “Look, I get it. You don’t want to hear all of this, so I’ll skip the rest of it. But seriously, this stuff is important. It actually has to do with you specifically.” That scares Bucky a little bit, but at least now he won't have to hear about what time it was and what the weather was like when the agents had searched the destroyed Hydra base.

“When I jumped in after you, I got swept up in the current immediately,” Steve starts off, voice more Steve like than Captain like. “I was dragged under, but it wasn’t just the water. There were bodies pulling me under, people dressed in scuba suits, people prepared for this.” Steve pauses to make sure Bucky is still following, but there’s no need. Discussion of what actually happened that night, not just what Bucky’s hazy memories told him, was something he was very interested in knowing.

“These people had all sorts of weapons, but the current was strong, and they weren’t expecting me. They were expecting you, Bucky.” Steve’s voice is solemn. “They had tranquilizers I think, no real guns, but they were desperate. I fought most of them off, some got swept away from me, but some were trained for this. We fought all the way until we hit a riverbank, and then we fought on the land.”

Steve looks nervous now, unsure if he should continue. Bucky hadn’t been monitoring the emotions has displaying on his own face, but he figures they haven’t been good. “They kept repeating words, Bucky. Not the same ones as before, but different ones. I don’t know if they would’ve worked on you or not, but they sure didn’t work on me.” Bucky finishes his coffee, feeling sick to his stomach.

“They thought I was you, Buck,” Steve tells him. “They wanted you.” Steve explains how he had fought them and how Sam and Tony had shown up to help. They had flown him to the quinjet and then that was the end of that. Bucky doesn’t know what to say. He’s really not all that shocked though. He had figured they had wanted him back for a reason, but this again, really? Bucky doesn’t know what to do.

Steve’s quiet now, watching Bucky carefully, ready to answer any questions he might have, but Bucky has nothing to say. He picks up his empty mug and heads out the door. He should’ve known talking to Steve would bring him no peace of mind. He should have known that information about the mission would have been bad. He’s not surprised, but his heart still feels heavy in his chest.

Y/N comes back from her appointment a few hours after Bucky had finished his talk with Steve. Steve had stopped by to check up on him, to make sure he was alright and didn’t have any questions, but Bucky wasn’t in the mood to talk. He still wasn’t in the mood to talk, but he doesn’t really have that option when Y/N comes home all worked up.

There’s nothing wrong, nothing has changed, she’s healing well and all that, but she’s on edge. She paces their bedroom while Bucky watches her, wondering if this is a give her space moment or a time to intervene moment. That decision is made obvious when she stops pacing and turns to Bucky, fear filling her face.

He’s by her side in a second, ready to comfort, but the fear fades just as quickly as it arrived, leaving her expressionless and blank. “Baby, you alright?” he asks softly, hoping that he is helping her instead of hurting her. She nods her head in response, eyes on him, but not really seeing. “Wanna talk about it?” he pushes gently, wanting her to have the opportunity to express herself if she wanted to.

She turns to face the mirror, her eyes still vacant. “Who am I, Bucky?” she asks softly, still starting at herself in the mirror. He’s unsure and feeling a little bit scared from her question. “Y/N, doll. You’re Y/N and I’m Bucky and you’re in upstate New York right now and you’re safe.” He’s about to continue on, but she turns back to face him, tears in her eyes.

“But who I am?” she repeats quietly, staring into his soul. The emotion is back, and he can feel the sorrow pouring off of her. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He knows that the brain scans came back normal, that she doesn’t have amnesia or short-term memory loss. He knows that this is something else.

Actually, this is something he himself can relate to. He didn’t know who he was for a long time either, and that wasn’t really from the brainwashing, not after he remembered Steve and his own name anyway. No, figuring out who he was has been one of the hardest battles of this modern world and he wasn’t going to let her go through it alone. “You’re whatever you want to be, darling,” he decides to answer. “But know that you are wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, kind, and lovely, no matter who you figure out you want to be.”

He’s about to continue with a thousand more adjectives to help her see the qualities that she possesses, the ones he adores so much, but she turns to face the mirror once more. “I don’t know who I want to be.” Her voice is timid and her body language screams for comfort, but Bucky doesn’t want to scare her either. She’s been shying away from touch lately, and again it is something he can understand.

“You don’t have to know yet, doll,” he answers her. “When I remembered who I was it took me a long time to figure out who I wanted to be.” She shakes her head at this, as if Bucky is lying or exaggerating, but he’s not at all. “You had real problems though, Bucky,” she responds, starting to pace the floor again. “Me, I’ve just been in one unfortunate situation and I’ve gone crazy. I know I have.”

He starts to interrupt her, but she keeps talking. “I’ve turned into a crazy person and now I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to go back into the real world when I’ve met the God of Thunder, or when I’ve been to the secret Hydra base where they created the Winter Soldier? How am I supposed to get a new life, once you toss me out? How am I supposed to find happiness without you?”

She’s crying again and this time Bucky can’t help himself. He holds her to his chest, as she cries. He’s ready to tell her all about how he is never going to throw her out, how she is in the real world already, how he is never going to leave her unless she wants him to, but he doesn’t get the chance. Not when she pushes him away angrily, tears slowing down.

“Why do you have to be so fucking nice all the time? Just so you can break my heart once you're done?” She’s shouting at him, pointing her finger at him, but he’s just trying to figure out how they went from her crying into his sweater to her screaming. “Why are you always supporting me when I don’t deserve it? Just so I can feel guilty about it for the rest of my life?”

He tries to interrupt, but she’s on a roll, and it’s probably for the best to let her get everything off of her chest anyway. “I should’ve trained more and learned to fight but you didn’t want me to feel like I needed to fight! What kind of bull shit is that? I fucking needed to learn how to fight!” He wants to explain that he just wanted her to feel safe, but he figures she already knows that response. He’s said it to her a hundred times by now easily.

“But even though I was trained, I was still an idiot who almost get herself killed!” Her voice is growing hoarse at this point, but she keeps shouting. “I almost fucking died and no one except you would have even cared. I don’t have anyone else but you.” Her voice breaks on the last word, her eyes dropping down to her feet. “You’re all I’ve got; I don’t have any family left.”

Bucky completely disagrees with that. He knows that the entire team would have been devastated if she had died. They would have mourned for months. “You have the rest of the team too. There’s no need to be so dramatic.” These words are a mistake, one he realizes immediately as she starts up again.

“No, you have the whole team, Bucky. They’re your family not mine. I had a family, I had my dad, but now I don’t have anyone.” She’s furious now, which he still finds strange. She’s never been much of an angry person and he hasn’t seen any emotion in her at all for the last few days, except for the burst of fear and then the sadness just minutes ago. But here right now with all of this yelling, she’s been angrier than he imagines she has ever been.

“I just said you have me,” Bucky counters. “And you do have the team as your family. They love you just as much as they love me, probably more.” He’s actually getting upset now, not because he’s jealous that the team loves her more, but that she’s not seeing reality. She’s blinded by her own fear, and he hates it. “Tony would build anything for you, Pepper would sue anyone for you, Steve would fight anyone for you.”

“No,” she interrupts, “they only ever did that because it was for you. They thought I made you happy, that’s the only reason they cared about me. But now that I don’t make you happy, they won't give a damn.” She’s getting angrier too, her voice getting louder with each word. Bucky’s certain the entire state of New York has heard them by now, but he makes it a point to lower his voice and sit on the bed in order to show his surrender.

“You still make me happy,” he explains, “but even if you didn’t and things between us changed, they would still love you just the same.” He believes the words, but even before has finished speaking them, he knows that she’ll need a long time to let them sink in. “I don’t know what you want me to do, but whatever it is I’ll do it and I’ll love you just the same.”

“Get out,” is her simple answer, and although it is not at all what he was expecting, he gets up to leave. “Don’t come back until you’re done telling lies,” she shouts at him as he opens the door. He wants to repeat again that they aren’t lies, that he and the team do love her dearly, no matter what, but that’s not the point. The point is that this is a give her space moment, whether he likes it or not.

Bucky goes to the kitchen to sulk. It’s nearing eleven now, and the caffeine from the coffee he had that afternoon has long left his bloodstream.  “What are you doing Buck? Shouldn’t you be in bed.” Of course Steve is up, prowling about the kitchen, just where Bucky doesn’t want him to be. It’s just his luck really, to get into a fight with Y/N and then follow it up with Steve telling him how wrong he was about handling the whole thing.

Steve is still Steve, Bucky figures out as he explains the fight with Y/N to him. There’s not much detail, but even so Bucky knows from his own words that he is in the wrong just as much as she. He should have known that she would’ve had a rough time dealing with the doctors, and he should’ve been prepared for that. He should’ve handled her outbursts better, comforted her better, reasoned with her better, been a better boyfriend. A proper boyfriend wouldn’t have argued with his girlfriend after she had clearly had a hard day.

“Bucky, come on,” Steve tells him, shaking his head once Bucky has finished the explanation. Bucky sighs. “But what was I supposed to do, Steve? She told me to get out. I didn’t want to go, but she didn’t want me to stay.” Steve shakes his head some more, disliking his friend’s actions. “Well is she alright at least?” Bucky groans, he already knows Steve is right and that he should have been more careful with how he spoke to Y/N but hearing it from someone else further solidified it. She was going through a lot and he didn’t want to be adding more stress to her life.

“FRIDAY how is Y/N?” Bucky asks the AI.  “Y/N is asleep Sergeant Barnes,” the voice informs him. “See,” Bucky tells Steve, “she’s fine doesn’t need me anyway.” Steve’s not convinced she’s fine. “FRIDAY are you sure she’s alright? How are her vitals?” FRIDAY takes a moment to collect data before responding.

“Y/N’s vitals are currently stable. She previously had an elevated heart rate and rushed breathing, but once she fell asleep, she stopped crying.”  Bucky blanches at the sound of that. Of course the AI had to be just humanoid enough to mention that part.

Maybe now is the perfect time for a real talk with Steve. He dives right into the meat of it, before he can chicken out. “I’m a mess Steve,” he announces, “I’m still not taking the medication for the nightmares.” Steve interrupts him, “I know. We all know.” Bucky doesn’t know whether to feel ashamed that they’ve let him get away with this or horrified that they have. “But I want to start,” he ends his sentence lamely.

“I want to start taking them again. Anything for her, to keep her safe I mean.” His voice embarrassingly cracks a little at this admission, but Steve has seen worse. “Bruce has been working on them,” is Steve’s reasonable response. “He thinks he’s adjusted them so that they won't make you feel foggy anymore.” Bucky can just nod at this; he didn’t know Bruce had been working on that for him. What else has this team done for him that he’s never ever realized?

“But the fight, I know I’m in the wrong,” Bucky adds wanting to explain himself and his guilt to Steve, but unsure of how to say it. “It’s alright, Bucky,” Steve soothes, “arguments happen.  They’re a part of every relationship.” Bucky just nods and they sit in silence for a while. Bucky wonders if he should go back upstairs or not. Will Y/N wake when he returns? Will she still be angry if she does wake? He’s not sure if he can handle any of this anymore.

Bucky starts to speak unabashedly. He just lets the words fall out without overthinking them. “You know I thought it was bad when she was sick. When you gave her food poisoning,” Bucky unnecessarily clarifies, causing Steve to grimace. Bucky’s small grin fades as he turns back to the much more serious point of his words.

“I thought that was as bad as it would get. At that time, I didn’t think I could possibly be more worried about her than I was then. But I also didn’t think I could possibly love her more either and I proved that wrong probably the very next day.” Bucky’s mind sidetracks and he runs his hands through his long hair trying to refocus.

“So, anyway I was in a totally new range of feelings when it all happened. I never knew I could feel that scared, that hopeless, that fucking terrible awful horrible in my entire life. It was like the light was drained out of me Stevie.” Bucky sneaks a peek at Steve, his heartbroken eyes searching for comfort that Bucky isn’t sure he deserves.

“I know,” Steve whispers, encouraging him to resume. Bucky sucks in a deep breath to continue shakily. “But then it got worse because I found her. And she was alive and breathing, but it was just like that night again. She was soaking wet and exhausted and yet I felt a trillion times worse than I had that last time.”

“Well this time was completely different,” Steve reasons. “This time she had been kidnapped. She had been,” Steve pauses and Bucky fills in the gaps. “Tortured. She had been tortured because of me. And seeing her like that was the worst moment of my life. Worse than waking up in the snow with a missing arm wishing I was dead. Worse than when Stark tried to kill me, kill us, for what I did. Worse than when I realized I was tearing apart the family you had made for yourself Stevie.”

“You’re my family too,” Steve reassures carefully. “I know,” Bucky says but he doesn’t sound happy about it. “And she’s part of this fucked up family too now. And I don’t know what to do about it.” Bucky’s voice is darker than usual. His face trying and failing to hide his pain. “I don’t think I could live through that again,” he tells Steve. “I don’t think I could live with myself if I saw her like that again. Definitely not if I caused it,” he adds heartlessly.

Steve wraps Bucky in a tight hug. “It won’t happen again. She’s safe now and you can't torture yourself with what ifs. You can't spend the rest of your life scared of the world. You’ve got to take what you’ve got and run with it.” Steve squeezes tighter until Bucky has to push back in order to breathe.

A little breathless and chuckling at Steve’s actions he messes the blonde’s hair. He thinks of all that Steve has been through. How the Stevie he once knew would have never been able to squeeze the air out of his lungs. Steve’s right after all. He just has to live with the past. He has to accept all that he’s been dealt and try his best to not dwell on it. He thinks he can do that. It’ll be hard for sure, but it’s just another thing to work on.

Bucky sits back down at the kitchen table, his mind running through all the possibilities of the outcomes. Steve is so much better at all of this, he thinks sadly, wishing that acceptance came as easily to him as it appeared to come to his friend. Steve is just the better man, he reasons with himself, looking at Steve clearly lost in his own thoughts. Steve catches his eye and grins hugely at him.

 “You know what, Buck?” Steve asks happily, knowing that Bucky doesn’t have the slightest clue what he’s gonna start blabbing about. “What?” he mutters, running his hands through his hair for the hundredth time today. “I’m really proud of you.” Bucky immediately straightens up to properly look at Steve, giving him a confused look.

“I’m serious,” Steve confirms, chuckling a little at his friends perplexed expression. Steve’s face hardens a bit before he continues in a much more serious tone. “Before I was scared that this would make you revert to your previous self, where you were self-destructive and dangerous, but you’ve improved so much that even through all of this pain you just want to help her and look out for her.”

Bucky, already confused from Steve’s announcement, is even more baffled by this information. “You’ve changed so much, and I am so proud of you for it. You’re not violent but caring. You’re not scared, you’re making smart decisions. Things are going to work out just fine.” Bucky doesn’t really believe that last bit, but he really wants to. Steve can tell it too.

“I just don’t know if I’m what she needs anymore,” Bucky admits. Steve wants to argue this, debate this thought of Bucky’s away so he can see logic, but first he waits to hear what else he has to say, hoping that Bucky will reach the same conclusion on his own. Bucky is tough on himself, impossibly so at times, but he is logical.

“Maybe,” Bucky continues sounding shy and unsure. “Maybe you’d be better for her Stevie. You had experience with this sort of thing from dealing with me and so you’d just be better at it.” Steve shakes his head and reaches for Bucky’s arm, but he pulls away. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not enough for her anymore. Never was probably,” Bucky mutters unhappily.

Before Steve can stop Bucky’s negative thoughts with an inspirational speech, Tony Stark enters the kitchen. “He’s right,” Stark announces while looking through the contents of the refrigerator. He pulls out blueberries, his speech casual. “You're way too old for her. She’s way too pretty for you. She’s way too smart for you. Actually, she’s really just way too good for you.”

“Okay, Tony, that’s enough,” Steve interrupts, his stern face telling Stark that now is not the time for this. Stark sighs and continues, “what I’m actually trying to say isn’t that you suck, Barnes. I’m saying that for some crazy reason she loves you and trusts you and wants you. And you love and trust and want her. So, by all means stop worrying about Stars and Stripes here stealing your girl and go get her yourself.”

Bucky listens to Stark’s words, albeit reluctantly. Stark eats a few blueberries and then continues, gesturing at Bucky. “It’s gonna be really fucking hard, I’m sure, but you’ve just got to deal with it. She’ll improve at her own pace, but she needs your help to do it.” Bucky turns back to Steve, wishing Stark hadn’t sounded so reasonable.

“He’s right about that, you know,” Steve tells Bucky once Stark has left the kitchen. Steve puts his arm around his friend’s shoulder. “Buck you’ve just got to be there for her. She’s scared and she doesn’t like it. She’s pushing you and the rest of us away because she’s scared that she doesn’t deserve your love and kindness. It’s the same thing you did to me and the team when you came here. It’s a natural response when you’re afraid.”

Bucky thinks this over as they walk upstairs. He thinks about what he felt when he had first moved into the Tower. He had felt so lost and out of control. It had taken over a year for him to lead a somewhat normal life. And even after he was cleared to leave the Tower alone, he would still wander aimlessly around the streets of Manhattan. He was lost. Maybe he didn’t know it then, but he had still been completely lost until he had met Y/N. And now she was lost and needed him to guide her back to who she was.

He turns to his oldest friend. The punk was still that same kid from Brooklyn, a good human. “Thanks Stevie. You’re right. I know exactly what I have to do.” Steve smiles at him and shaking his head slowly, pushes Bucky towards the door to his and Y/N’s room. Y/N is the main goal, but before Bucky can properly help her there’s one other thing that he’s going to need to do first.

He turns back to Steve before entering the quarters. “I’m gonna need some help. You in?” Bucky already knows the answer, but he likes hearing it anyway. Steve smiles and tells him, “to the end of the line, whatever you need I’m here for you.” He grins at Steve. Things are falling back into place. He can do this. Now he has a plan.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end! I hope to finish writing it all this weekend, and edit it during the week! (I have to give myself time in between to edit otherwise it's a mess.) If all goes as planned I should have it all published by Wednesday! This chapter is not my best work but I hope you still enjoy. Thanks for reading and please keep leaving comments! I love hearing what you think!

You wake up alone, but it’s not unusual. Bucky has been trying to give you more space since your last big fight when you kicked him out, but something feels wrong. He usually leaves a note, and although there is still one on his pillow, it’s extremely vague and unlike Bucky. Lately he’s been spending more and time away from you, at work in his office, a small mostly empty room in the employee filled building adjacent to the private building.

You hadn’t gone there to visit him, but Steve told you not to worry about it. Bucky was just doing his own thing, and you figured he probably needed the distance from you anyway. You would watch him on the security tapes, super creepy you knew, but you couldn’t help yourself. You were curious and a little bit nervous that he was so far from you. You hadn’t wanted to push him away, not really, but you were scared and didn’t want to bring Bucky down with you.

You had watched him the last few days busy typing away on computers and contacting different agents. You wonder if he’s burying himself in work just so that he doesn’t have to deal with you, but you know it’s useless to think like that. Nothing good will come out of those kinds of thoughts. You needed to focus on positive thinking and not go straight to your worst-case scenario anxious mindset.

With this prompt to be positive in your mind, you reread the note left on his pillow. You try not to be paranoid about the emptiness of it, but that doesn’t help much. “Good morning my love. I’ve got lots to do today. Have a good day. Love, Bucky.” It's short and sweet and straight to the point as usual, but normally he would tell you where he’s gone to, or what his plans for the day are. Curious to find out where he is and why he didn’t write it down, you quickly dress and head downstairs.

The kitchen is empty, but that’s not terribly unusual these days either. It's nearly eleven in the morning on a Tuesday, and most everyone else is at work, or at least doing something productive. Not you, though. You haven’t been back to work since the holidays; haven’t even tried to think about it. You’re just not ready for that yet.

You go to the gym, thinking that maybe Bucky will be working out, or perhaps Steve or Sam will be there and able to direct you to him, but no one is there. You're starting to get more nervous, so you run to the office buildings, trying not to think about how you haven’t been over there since your last day of work before the Christmas holidays. Since you had been kidnapped. You ignore the fear in your chest and race down the hall.

You’re so in your own head you run right past Wanda. She shouts out for you to stop, asking what’s going on. You’re already forty feet away by the time you comprehend. Realizing that she might know where Bucky is, you turn around and jog back. Your heart is still racing, and not just because you had been running, your mind is starting to think of worst-case scenarios.

“What’s going on Y/N,” Wanda asks you, looking you over. “I could ask you the same,” you snark back. Wanda recoils at your harsh words, and you immediately feel guilty. “I’m sorry,” you apologize briefly, “but where’s Bucky?” She doesn’t answer your question, just starts walking back to the living room with you following. “Bucky’s fine don’t worry,” she tells you once you’ve pulled on her hand to stop her.

You don’t understand why Wanda is being so weird. She won't look you in the eye and now she’s walking away from you again. What’s going on? Your mind races and suddenly you're feeling very dizzy. “Whoa breathe Y/N,” Wanda reminds you, quickly walking back towards you. You focus on breathing and slide down from against the wall to the floor. Wanda sits down next to you.

“Where is he?” you question again and Wanda frowns. “I promise you he is safe, but I also promised him that I wouldn’t tell you where he is. Besides he needs to talk to you himself.” Your heart pounds at these words. Is this it? Is this when Bucky breaks up with you, kicks you out? Wanda places her arm around your shoulders and the two of you sit in silence breathing slowly until you can properly think again, instead of just panic.

You're still feeling a bit nauseous but at least you know Bucky is safe. “Where is he?” you question Wanda again. She sighs and tries to avoid the question, but you just repeat yourself again. “Where is he and I’m not taking no for an answer. I deserve to know. Tell me where Bucky is now.” You can tell she feels guilty, but you don’t feel guilty for making her feel that way. You do deserve to know where your boyfriend is.

“Wouldn’t you want me to tell you where Vision was if he was missing?” Wanda groans and puts her head in her hands. “It’s not like that Y/N. Bucky isn’t missing, he’s fine.” You refuse to relent, “if he’s fine tell me where he is so I can check for myself.” You’re desperate for any information and you know that Wanda will eventually spill something. She has a weak spot for you, always has according to Natasha, although Wanda likes to claim that Natasha has a similar weak spot for you as well.

“Well did you try asking FRIDAY?” Wanda asks, clearly not wanting to break her promise. “Yeah,” you admit a little embarrassed, “FRIDAY doesn’t give me information anymore unless it’s an emergency or it’s public knowledge. Some stupid thing Tony did until I get a little better.” You’re embarrassed to admit this, but you figure she has already probably heard something about it.

“Alright,” Wanda finally says after a long pause of silence, “I’ll tell you one thing.” She pauses to make sure she had your full attention, as if you could possibly be distracted right now. “He’s on a mission, but I can't say anymore.” She stands and offers her hand to help you up, but you’re still trying to process her words. “A mission,” you repeat softly to yourself. You meet Wanda’s eyes albeit reluctantly, “Siberia?” She doesn’t respond but her face says enough. He’s definitely in Siberia, and you’re immediately pissed.

It’s been ages since he went on a mission, and he didn’t even bother to tell you? Not even when this mission was so clearly connected to you? Sure, you would have tried everything in your power to stop him, but he still should have told you before he left. Your brain bombards you with fears. What if he isn’t actually safe? What if he never comes back?

You’re buried in your thoughts as you leave to go back to your room to sulk, ignoring Wanda’s calls. She wants you to spend the day with her, surely so she can keep an eye on you, but you aren’t interested in having a babysitter. You head back to your quarters and pace for hours, your mind switching between periods of nothingness and overwhelming fears of the dangers Bucky might be currently facing.

Wanda checks on you again in the afternoon, wanting to know if you’ve eaten yet. You haven’t but you tell her you’ve had a sandwich. She probably doesn’t believe you, but she doesn’t press either. She returns an hour later with a batch of chocolate chip cookies, their smell enticing you to open your door and let her in. You don’t fall for her trick though and continue to sulk alone.

Wanda leaves the cookies outside your door where they sit for the rest of the day as you lay in bed. You must doze off because suddenly you’re awake and alert and very confused as to what is happening. Realizing that you are still in bed at home, your panic subsides, and you focus on what woke you up. It’s Bucky. It’s ten in the evening, he hasn’t contacted you all day, but at least he is finally home.

Your relief and joy of seeing him again doesn’t last long though. He’s tired but invigorated, and once you remember that it’s because of his mission, you’re upset again. However, your emotions don’t get the message from your brain that you’re still mad at him, and so you’re enthusiastic again when he approaches the bed to give you a huge hug. He’s okay and alive and here and you can’t help but squeeze him tight.

“I was so worried about you,” you tell him once you have let him go. He smiles at you and yawns. “You shouldn’t have been worried, doll. I was fine.” His refusal to admit that he might not have been fine at all annoys you. Anything could have happened, and he wouldn’t have even taken the time to say goodbye before leaving.

“You had Wanda lie for you,” you start. “She didn’t lie,” he tells you. He doesn’t know that for sure, but he never did ask Wanda to lie for him. “She promised me you were safe, but she didn’t know that you would be safe!” He sighs, running his hands through his hair. He’s still dirty from the mission, not having had a chance to shower yet, but you’re not done talking to him.

“I was safe,” Bucky explains to you simply, leaning up against the wall. “I am safe, doll,” he repeats, “I’m home now and safe and everything is fine.” Everything is not fine. “You shouldn’t have gone at all Bucky, but you should’ve at least told me before you went!” Your feelings have been hurt, but he doesn’t seem to understand that. His face is neutral and calm, and you find it disconcerting. You don’t like this side of him where he hides his emotions from you.

“You wouldn’t have let me go if I told you,” he explains slowly. “Yeah isn’t that the point,” you counter, “I didn’t want you to go, I don’t want you to go and you still went even though you knew that!” He thinks this over for a second before responding. “Don’t you see, I did this all for you,” he tells you, his voice too neutral to be natural. “Those guys are all dead, no one is ever going to come after you again. Everything is fine now that they’re gone.”

“But I don’t care that they’re gone!” You try to explain but from Bucky’s expression, you can tell he isn’t getting it. “I don’t care because I’d rather have you here and safe then off risking your life unnecessarily.” You're probably being overemotional and overdramatic, but all of your feelings have been so explosive lately. “Unnecessarily?” Bucky questions, his voice still an unnatural calm, “I couldn’t risk anything bad happening to you Y/N, that’s why I went.”

“I wish you hadn’t gone because something bad could’ve happened to you!” you tell him angrily. “Steve told me about those men waiting for you with new words. Why don’t you think before you act?” His face still reveals no emotion, stoic as can be. “Now’s not the time to start a fight, Y/N,” he patronizes. He might be right, but this just makes you more upset. He already risked enough going in to save you the first time, he should’ve left this to the other Avengers. 

You feel as though all you do these days is fight with Bucky, but that doesn’t stop you. “Then when’s the right time to start a fight? When you’re not here, but running off to the next battle? When you’re dead or brainwashed by Hydra?” You’re pushing him too far, but he still doesn’t turn angry or even appear all that upset. You want him to get angry, to show you what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking. You want to keep pushing.

“We had it all under control and I’ll never end up getting brainwashed by Hydra again. Not with Steve and the rest of the team there to keep me safe.” His emotions are reaching the surface now, and you can’t stop yourself. “But that’s still a risk you're willing to take? Risk being fucking brainwashed when the team could’ve done it all on their own?”

“I did it all to keep you safe,” Bucky argues, shaking his head at you. He’s finally getting angry and you know how to push that anger over the edge.  “Keep you safe, then why wasn’t I safe?” you say to him, your voice deathly silent. You know he hears you though, his face shows it all. He is destroyed by your words, and you don’t even care. You’re too upset with him, too lost in your own emotions to feel anything but the fire in your own mind.

“And what if it happens again, huh? I know you said it won’t happen again, but you said that the first time around and guess what, it happened.” You’re on a roll now unable to stop screaming. “It’d be so easy for them now too. They don’t have to take me all the way to a river in Siberia to get me to panic. Hell, they could put me in a bath tub and I’d need someone to come rescue me.”

You pause for a breath and after looking at his heartbroken face continue at a more normal volume. “That’s where I’m at right now Bucky. I can’t even shower without feeling scared. I’m terrified of water and of life and I don’t know what to do.” You collapse onto the couch, curling in on yourself, wanting to hide from the world.

Bucky wants to move next to you, to take you into his arms but he gives you space as you continue. “And the worst part is that you still love me, and you still want me. How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that it’s me who keeps dragging you back down into the mud.” You’re crying now, upset at the truth of your own words. Upset that Bucky hasn’t punched a wall or screamed at you, not even tried to comfort you.

Suddenly fueled by anger again you jump up off the couch and turn to face him. “How am I supposed to get back to being the person I was when every time I look at you, I wish I had never met you?” The tears are still falling but you don’t feel them anymore. You’ve gone numb and life doesn’t even feel real anymore. You’re not sure what you feel or what you think, you just say the words because they feel right.

“Don’t say that.” Bucky’s voice is a gruff whisper. He moves closer to you, slow soft movements as he sits on the couch to look up at you, still standing and still furious. “You don’t mean it. I know you don’t,” he tells you, his voice sounding close to breaking. “Well what if I do mean it. What if I wish we had never met?” You challenge him, crashing back onto the couch, but making sure not to touch any part of him.

“Then you’d break my heart. Cause I don’t know who I’d be if we never met. Certainly not who I am today.” His voice is steadier, but the tone still sounds broken or at least breaking. You turn your head to look at him, ready to start arguing again. “No, stop. Let me talk now. I’ve listened to you, so now you have to listen to me.” His words surprisingly shut you up. You have been screaming a lot and well, you can't help but listen to him when he pleads like that.

“I’m different now and so are you and that doesn’t matter one bit. We’re gonna keep changing you and I, and we’re gonna keep facing new challenges. That’s just the way life fucking goes. But I love you and I know that’s not gonna change. Because you’re still you deep inside and I’m still me deep inside. We’re still us and until I’m buried deep in the ground, I’m gonna love you.”

Your tears return as you listen to him. His eyes look so sad but so earnest. He’s still Bucky and you're still you. You fall into his arms and sob. You’re both shaking, your tears mixing together as you softly kiss. “I’m gonna love you,” he repeats, holding you tightly to his chest. “I’ll love you forever.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I don’t actually know how to end a story, so I’m probably leaving all sorts of loose ends and creating plot holes, but here you go. Also I’ve decided to do a little epilogue that I’m sure will be super cheesy and cliché, so there’s still two more chapters to go after this, although the epilogue will be super short. Enjoy!

Faster than Bucky would’ve thought possible it’s the end of March and Y/N has improved a lot. She still has a long way to go, but Bucky is undeniably proud of her. She’s been going to therapy on a much more consistent basis, has been ever since he had asked Sam to talk to her. She’s been talking about her problems, communicating her wants with him easier now, and it has made a huge difference in her progress.

At the same time, however, she herself doesn’t entirely know what she wants or needs, so although she is more comfortable with asking for help, she’s not sure what to ask for. She’s been less scared of water, less scared of the world, but she’s still not feeling like herself and Bucky knows it. He’s just not sure how to get her to that point where she was before. He’s not sure if that’s even possible anymore either.

She’s reminded him that she doesn’t have anybody else but him. She’s afraid that he’ll leave her, even when he’s told her time and time again that he would never abandon her. He wants to comfort her, explain to her, make her see logic, but he understands fear and knows that certain things can only heal with time. Unfortunately, Bucky is not a patient man. He wants to make a plan, execute the plan, and see results. Things weren’t exactly happening in that order, or happening at all, anymore, and it was frustrating.

The team is running out of ways to help as well. They don’t know what to do about Hydra at this point. They’ve completely destroyed the Siberian base, cut all loose ends, and have questioned everybody and anybody who might’ve have a word of information on anything. They did learn quite a bit though.

Steve had informed Bucky and the rest of the Avengers just a few weeks ago that the agents who had collected samples from the destroyed base had gone back recently and found a few men. After a bit of scare tactics and whatnot, the three Hydra prisoners had told some interesting news. Hydra had been watching Y/N for a while, ever since she had gotten the job at the Compound.

Steve had explained to the team that Hydra had previously had a man undercover working at the Compound. This spy had taken an interest in Y/N and had gathered information on her. His interest was not because of the odd birthday party that Stark had thrown her or because of her connection to the team, but because she had looked oddly familiar.

Steve had then pulled out a few photographs and Bucky had been shocked at the resemblance. The girl from Natasha’s days at the Red Room, the girl she had told Bucky about so long ago, really did look just like Y/N. They had the same chin, same nose, similar enough mouth, but their eyes, Y/N’s eyes were much prettier, Bucky had decided.

One of the pictures, showed the Y/N look alike dead. Bucky had felt sick when he saw it. It was far too easy to pretend it was actually of Y/N. The point was that they weren’t the same person, and the Hydra informant had soon realized that as well. However, due to his interest in Y/N, Steve had explained that the spy had learned something even more useful: Y/N knew Bucky.

Not only did she know Bucky, but he sent her flowers all the time. Steve had wanted to scold Bucky at this point, for being careless in his notes to Y/N, but he couldn’t. Not when it wasn’t actually Bucky’s fault, not when Bucky was already probably beating himself up about it. No, these Hydra agents were clever enough and would’ve figured it all out with time either way.

Bucky had passed the photos around to Natasha who refused to look and handed them on to Bruce. Wanda, taking only a glance at the image and shuddering, had asked the group a question. “Those men, the night of her birthday who called her a slut? Were they the Hydra informants?” The team thinks about this, dreading that perhaps it’s true and they could’ve recognized this earlier and prevented the situation from ever occurring.

“No,” Steve had assured, “we’ve been watching those two and they aren’t involved with Hydra at all. Unfortunately there are shitty people all over the world and most of them are just normal everyday people, not evil members of Hydra.” The team had thought about this for a while, trying to process how shitty the world actually was.

“The spy has been handled,” Steve had gone on to explain, “Natasha handled it.” The team had slowly nodded, still quiet and almost afraid to speak. Bucky had found it all extremely odd, normally when they were all together no one could hear a word, because they’d all be trying to talk over one another, arguing about dumb things. But not today, not this meeting, not when they were discussing Y/N. Bucky appreciates that, he likes knowing that all of these people have her back, that all of these people take her security as seriously as he does.

That meeting had ended in a weird place, no one quite knowing what the next step was. The uncertainty had made Bucky feel sick, but he had left the conference room with the others and had tried to get his life back together. The team had all been through their own tough times, going through cycles of it really, but this one had really shaken them all. They all needed time to recover.

Even now, a few weeks later, Bucky is still in recovery mode. He sits on the bed while Y/N sleeps next to him. It’s nearing midnight and he should go to bed soon too, but he hasn’t done anything productive all day and can’t go to bed until he does. Unsure of what to do, he falls into an old habit of his.

He looks through his phone at all of the pictures he has of their relationship. The note her roommates had left her so long ago calling her Mrs. Barnes, dozens of selfies, Y/N asleep on the couch, the birthday pancakes she had made for him shaped like hearts. So many photos, enough to start their own collage on the wall. Yet so much had changed.

He sets his background to one of his favorite pictures of Y/N. One he had secretly taken the day of her interview. He had sneaked up on her with a bouquet of massive sunflowers and while she was distracted with admiring them, he had captured the most beautiful picture. How he wished he could go back to that day and tell himself everything he knows now. But then again, perhaps that would change things, open up a new timeline, so it really wasn’t worth the risk, not if in a new future he didn’t have Y/N by his side.

His phone in hand, Bucky thinks of new ways to help Y/N get back on track. He’s thought of most of these ideas already, but he likes to run through them again, in case he’s missed something. Most of them are hopeless with no real basis in reality, some already have been implemented, and a few he keeps coming back to.

One of these that he’s been considering is calling up Y/N’s old coworker Jane. They stopped contacting each other sometime around last April, after she had moved in. Things had gotten hectic, and Jane and Y/N had simply lost touch. Bucky knew that Y/N had regretted losing touch with her old friend, but she also hadn’t been too sure what to do about it. Her life had changed so drastically just by moving into the Compound, at that point she wasn’t sure if they would have anything to talk about anymore.

Bucky isn’t sure they’ll have anything to talk about now either, but he figures Jane has always seemed like a decent person. She wouldn’t hurt Y/N, not on purpose, and if she did on accident she would surely apologize. Y/N and Jane might not have much in common anymore, but maybe some good old reminiscing would help her feel more like herself again.

Bucky had gotten Jane’s number from Y/N’s phone, but he’s not sure if he should call or if it’s just a bad idea. Jane, like the rest of the public, doesn’t have a clue about any of the events involving Y/N from Christmas, and it’s nearly been nearly half year since he had last heard Y/N even mention her. Still, he figures Jane would have some insight on how to help. Besides, maybe Jane would be back in town and willing to even spend some time with Y/N.

Hoping that Y/N wouldn’t feel as though Bucky’s actions are too invasive, he dials the number. There’s no answer and Jane’s chirpy voice tells him to leave a message. He hangs up, not having thought this far. Jane’s still in London probably, and with the time difference, he should’ve been prepared to leave a message. He plans one, after all there’s a lot to say and explain without causing unnecessary worry in a short amount of time, and he calls again.

Unfortunately, Jane picks up on the second ring, sounding irritated. “Who the hell is this and what the fuck do you want?” Bucky freezes once again, not prepared. “Um hi, sorry for waking you, I thought it’d get sent to voicemail again.” The voice cuts him off, “who the fuck is this and what the fuck do you want.”

“Right sorry!” he responds quickly, “this is Bucky Barnes, Y/N’s boyfriend.” He pauses, wondering if she will say something to show that she remembers him. He hears nothing in response. “So, um, Y/N has been going through a tough time lately, I was hoping that maybe you could give me some advice on how to help her?”

“Does this advising need to happen right now?” Jane’s voice is still annoyed, but possibly kinder? He answers her question. “No, this doesn’t need to be right now, but.” Jane cuts him off once more, “great then call me at a decent time, good bye.” She hangs up the phone and Bucky sighs in relief that that’s over.

He’s glad he’s done it, glad to be able to cross one possible way of helping Y/N off his list. He’s not sure if Jane will ever call him back, or if she’ll answer if he calls at a decent time, but it’s a worthy attempt. Maybe Jane will have some solid ideas on how to help Y/N. Then his awkward call and bad timing would be worth it.

He goes to bed soon after, creeping back into his and Y/N’s room. She’s still asleep, looking as beautiful as ever, her hair all over the pillow, her breathing slow. She looks so relaxed, so at peace, he’s willing to do anything to keep her that way during the day as well as during the night. He kisses her forehead, slides under the covers, and falls asleep.

He wakes at six and Y/N is still asleep. She’s clinging to his arm, and he doesn’t want to leave her side, but he needs to call Jane again. Telling himself that he’ll be helping her if he leaves right now, he eases her off of him and climbs out of bed. She rolls over and pulls her arms in close to her chest, but her breathing is still even, so he leaves.

Door closed, and coffee in hand, Bucky sits on the couch in their quarters. It’s only a few feet from their bedroom, but he knows Y/N’s routine and that if she doesn’t wake when he gets up to leave, she’ll sleep soundly for at least two more hours. He takes a few sips, and once he’s summoned enough bravery, he calls Jane. “Hi this is Bucky again,” he starts off once she has picked up.

“So I guess you two are still together then?” is her easy response. Bucky answers in the affirmative and then goes on to explain everything that had happened in the past year, focusing of course on the incident itself. Jane is silent as Bucky speaks, silent even as he finishes. “So do you have any ideas on how to help her feel more like herself again?” His voice is weak; he’s tired from having to retell and relive the past all over again.

Jane is quiet for a beat more, and Bucky wonders if she’s still there, or if he’s going to have to repeat everything again. “I’m not qualified for any of this,” Jane finally says. “I know,” Bucky answers, “and we have professionals who are helping her, but I just thought maybe since you were her friend before all of this, you’d know what to do.” He’s feeling more and more unsure of this plan as he speaks.

“Well,” Jane starts off slowly, “when her dad died I guess she went through a similar phase. Except then she just buried herself in her work. That’s how she got so good at her job, she spent all of her time, and I mean all of her time, working. She got a ton of promotions that year, but things settled down once she got a new boss. Then he basically used her to do all of his work.”

Jane stops to let Bucky speak, but Bucky has nothing to say. He knew some of Y/N’s history with her previous company, but he didn’t know it all happened after her father’s death or that his death had inadvertently caused it. It did make a lot of sense though. Jane continues on explaining what had happened to Y/N and the ways that she had tried to support her during that time.

None of the things Jane mention seemed to have worked terribly well in the past to get Y/N out of her funk, and she realizes it too. “I’m really sorry,” Jane tells Bucky, “none of what I’ve told you has probably helped at all, but I’m really not sure what to recommend. Y/N is a complicated person, always has been, and I for one have never fully understood her.”

Bucky can’t help but agree with that. He will probably never fully comprehend who Y/N is, and that scares him a little bit. Then again, he’ll never fully understand himself, so maybe it’s a good thing to have a little mystery.

“Anyway, if she wants to call me or to visit I’d love to have her!” Jane offers. “Unfortunately I’m pretty tied up in work over here, so I can’t come back to the States anytime soon. Either way tell her that I’m happy that she still has you in her life and that I hope she feels better soon.” Bucky thanks her for her help and informs her that he will tell Y/N about her offer to host Y/N in London.

Even though he didn’t get any new ideas or inspiration of how to make Y/N feel better, he is very glad he called Jane. She had a new perspective on Y/N, one very different from what the team saw of her. The team thinks that Bucky has been too easy on her, wanting him to show tough love and all of that. Bucky hates the concept of tough love. He understands the purpose of it, knows that the team genuinely believes it will work, but he thinks otherwise.

Bucky wants to support Y/N every step of the way, even if some of those steps are backwards. He doesn’t want to push her, not even during the bad times where she holes up in their room for days, only leaving to use the bathroom. She has plenty of good days too, and he likes to focus on the positives.

She’s been going to therapy, but there’s been no major improvements or realizations for the past month. She’s getting sick of it again, tired of discussing the same old things, but he still encourages her to go, and she still does go. However, she still hasn’t gone back to work at the Compound. She claims that her mind is still too much of a mess to work. She says that she’s not ready and Bucky trusts her. Despite these difficulties, Y/N truly is getting better and so is Bucky.

Bucky had restarted taking his nightmare medication shortly after talking with Steve about it. Bruce had been working on adjusting his nightmare medicine to keep him from feeling foggy for months without Bucky even knowing. Bruce had finished figuring it out, and with a few dosage adjustments, Bucky was nightmare and foggy free. Now he takes them every night without fail.

It had been tricky, realizing that this was yet another medicine he would have to take for possibly the rest of his life, but he had come to terms with it. Relying on medicine for your mental health or any other type of health isn’t bad and it’s nothing to be ashamed of either. Bucky knows that he just needs to take it for as long as he needs it, even if that means it will be for the rest of his life.

The rest of his life does seem terrifying to Bucky these days. He just turned 104, and some days he’s scared he’ll end up living forever. His birthday had been strange this year as well. Holidays had seemed wrong ever since the Christmas Party, and Stark hasn’t hosted a single event since then. Not that Stark threw Bucky an extravagant party last year, but at least last year Y/N had put in effort to make him feel special.

He still felt special on his birthday this year, though. Y/N always made him feel important and loved, but he knew her heart just wasn’t into it. She had joined in on Steve’s gift of a record player and some records, but it was nothing like his birthday last year where she had gone all out and cooked him dinner and made sure he had an incredible day. He did have a good day, a good birthday, but it just was different.

The team had been surprised that she hadn’t tried harder, but Bucky had explained that she just did the best she could at the time. He defends her actions and inaction as the rest of the team tries to tell him that she needs to be pushed more, tough love and all of that again. He doesn’t believe them; he just wants to take it slow. Let her grow at her own pace.

On Wednesday, while Bucky is stuck in a meeting with UN representatives, chaos commences. Alarms blare, as FRIDAY alerts all personnel that they are in danger. Bucky bolts out of the conference room, ignoring the pleads of the representatives to take them to safety. He needs to find Y/N and fast.

He calls her on his phone, but there’s no answer. He tries Steve, then Wanda, then Nat but no one is picking up. He figures that they’re all too busy trying to get into safe places or helping civilians. He goes to each of the designated shelter areas, places to go in case of an attack, but she’s not at any of them.

He sprints to their quarters, alarms still screaming at him to find shelter, and throws open the door. He yells out her name loudly so that she can hear him over the sirens. He’s anxious to find her, worried that she’ll be terrified out of her mind, or in the midst of a panic attack. Instead he sees none of the above.

He finds her curled up on the window seat staring out at the lake, just sitting there, listening to the alarms. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her legs, pulled close to her chest. Her breathing is shallow and fast, but her face is empty, devoid of emotion. “Y/N,” he calls out, but she doesn’t even seem to hear him.

He picks her up and runs out of the room, telling her that he’s here, that she’s alright, that she doesn’t have to be afraid. She doesn’t seem very afraid though, just lying in his arms, not appearing to be aware that they’re moving at all. They reach the designated shelter in seconds, and he lays her down on the floor, standing guard.

Wanda and Vision are there as well, talking calmly to a group of employees, who look both terrified at the idea of being bombed but thoroughly interested in the fact that they are in the private area of the Avengers Compound. Bucky doesn’t recognize any of them, and he hopes that for Y/N’s sake, none of them recognize her. Leaving work so abruptly had been really tough on her; she hated the idea of people gossiping about her, but there wasn’t any other way of getting around it.

An hour passes by and there’s no explosion, no wreckage, nothing. The alarms stop, FRIDAY stops repeating her warning message, and the threat has been deemed a mistake. The employees excitedly return to the other side of the Compound, chattering about how they had just survived what could’ve been the destruction of one of the most scientifically advanced buildings in the world.

Wanda and Vision head over to Bucky and Y/N, who is still lying on the floor staring at nothingness. “Is she alright?” Wanda asks nervously, studying Y/N and how pale she looks. Wanda slowly puts out her hand to Y/N’s head, wordlessly asking if she can read her mind, but Y/N doesn’t make a move. Wanda puts a hand gently on her forehead and closes her eyes.

When Wanda pulls away seconds later, she looks exhausted and her eyes watery. “Y/N, I’m so sorry,” she whispers, “I should’ve done more.” Before Bucky can ask what the hell that means, Wanda has left with Vision. Bucky bends down to look Y/N in the eyes. “You’re gonna be alright okay, doll,” he tells her, but he doesn’t sound too sure of it himself. Surprisingly, she nods at the sound of the nickname.

He picks her up easily in his arms and carries her back to their quarters. Perhaps another visit to the doctor is necessary, but he figures she's just in a state of shock. He tries not to show it, but Bucky is really freaked out about Y/N’s inability to react anymore. He knows that shutting herself down when she gets into what she deems a scary situation, is natural after what she’s been through, but it’s not conducive for her ability to stay safe and alive.

He lays her on the bed, and lies down next to her, waiting for her to get back into a state of awareness. It takes half an hour, but she gets there, blinking fast, and looking around confused. “I’m here baby,” he soothes, “you were gone there for a bit, but you’re safe now.” She sits up, slowly taking in her environment.

“But the compound?” she questions, “there was a warning and I thought.” Her voice trails off, her eyes wide and confused. Bucky hates seeing her like this, but he’s willing to do whatever it takes to help. “It was a mistake,” he explains slowly, hand rubbing circles on her back. “Not a real attack, nothing happened.” She calms down at his words and touch.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles after a while. “I’m trying, but I don’t know what happened there. I’m sorry.” Bucky doesn’t want to hear her apologies, not when none of this is actually her fault. “No need to be sorry, darling,” he tells her. “I’m here for you through it all, you know that.” She nods at this, ducking her head and clasping her hands together tightly.

“I’m sorry,” she repeats softly. “I wish I knew what to do to make it all better.” His heart breaks at her words. “Me too, doll. I wish I could make it all better right now.” She pulls away from him to lie back down on the bed. He reaches to take her hand, but she pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around herself in protection.

“I’m not easy to love anymore,” she claims, curling up into an even smaller ball. “Doesn’t matter,” he responds quickly, moving closer to her on the bed. “I’ve changed,” she adds, voice sounding empty. Bucky picks her up and puts her in his lap, pulling her close to him in a tight embrace.

“Doesn’t matter. People change all the time. I’ve changed a thousand times since we’ve met, and I still love you the same. Love isn’t supposed to be easy but it’s what you fight for and I’m going to keep fighting for you and for us. I love you.” She nods as if she’s finally getting it, then reassures him, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that I again ended this chapter with Bucky telling reader that he loves her, but whatever deal with it. I guess I just really want to hear Bucky tell me he loves me haha :) Thanks again for reading!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last real chapter! Thank you to everyone who has read my first ever fanfiction! I really hope you enjoyed at least some parts of it. A special thank you to all of the people who left comments as well! Reading your words really helped motivate me to write more and I would still love to read any constructive criticism or thoughts you have while reading! Thank you all so much!

You’re trying to do better, you really are. It just doesn’t seem to be good enough for everyone else around you. Natasha wants you to start training again, exercise will be good for you, she tells you, but all you hear is Y/N, you’ve gained at least ten pounds in the past month. You know that she doesn’t actually mean that, that she would never want you to think that’s what she meant, but it still hurts. You aren’t interested in learning more self-defense, not right now.

Natasha isn’t the only one who’s been pushing you to do better though. Sam wants an update on how therapy is going after every single session. Those appointments are draining enough without Sam’s questioning afterwards. Again, you know that they just want to help, want to do their part to help you grow, but it is just overwhelming.

Steve has tried to teach you how to draw, something you had been interested in learning last winter, but now art was the last thing on your mind. You know that it would be good for you to get a new hobby, something to do other than lay in bed, but again it’s just too overwhelming. Wanda wants your help in the kitchen, or Tony wants your opinion on technology you would never learn how to operate, and you don’t know how to actually say no anymore.

Saying no to all of these people who really are just trying to help you and support you makes you feel way too guilty. They are dedicating so much of their own time, money and resources into you, so how can you possibly reject their help? Therefore you end up getting dragged along to all of their events until you crash. The crashes are rough, leaving you drained and exhausted, often not leaving your quarters for a week at a time.

Bucky was probably the best part of the crashes though. He was always telling the team to back off, to give you space. And when you crashed, he would soothe and help put you back together. He’d spend time with you if you wanted, give you space if you preferred that. He was open to all options, any ideas. If you wanted apple pie for dinner, he was happy you were eating. If you wanted to watch New Girl on repeat, he’d watch with you.

The team said he was taking it too easy on you, that he needed to show tough love, but you were glad he didn’t. He understood better than all of them that sometimes the best action is inaction. Laying low and taking things slow was just the best way for you to heal right now. For others action had been the right course of well, action, but you just need a little more rest.

Unfortunately, you feel as though you are reverting to your past self. You feel as anxious as you did as a child when you found out about your how your mom had just up and left you when you were too young to ask her to stay. You feel as empty and broken as when your dad died, but this time you can't throw yourself into work. You can't bury yourself in reports and data all day, instead you actually have to deal with your emotions and problems instead of hiding them.

So really the team’s help and Bucky’s help are both necessary. You need to be pushed to do things even if you don’t want to do them and you need to be coddled and comforted. You just need to find the right balance between the two. For example, Bucky’s birthday had been a complete disaster. You had thrown yourself into making his birthday better than last year’s (truly a feat in itself), but all of your plans and ideas were too vast to put into reality. Wanda and Steve had tried to help you accomplish all of your ideas, but in the end you had just given up.

It was really a shame, and you had cried about it, further ruining Bucky’s birthday, but he had been sweet and caring through it all. He understood that it wasn’t what you had wanted it to be and he was fine with it all. He just wanted to spend his birthday with you, and he got that. That was enough for him.

You still felt horrible about it all, especially whenever you thought about how long you had been planning the party of his presents. Last fall seemed like a lifetime ago, but you had been so excited after your own birthday you had wanted his to be even better. It was just another example of how you were a failure.

And sure, even if the incident had never happened, you probably wouldn’t have accomplished all of those things, but at least Bucky would’ve had a better day. He would’ve felt more special if you had finished at least one of your projects, but instead you had given up. You wonder if he felt as though you had given up on him.

Wanda had been spending more time with you recently though. And it wasn’t urging you to help her cook, or to actively participate in social gatherings either. She had gone back to just hanging out with you, sitting with you as you watched the world from your window, or TV from your bed. You weren’t entirely sure what had caused the big switch from tough love Wanda to this version, but you liked it.

Ever since the attack on the Compound that had never arrived, Bucky had been even more watchful of you. You weren’t entirely sure what had happened during that time, something you had repeated multiple times to your therapist, but something must have had to happen. From what Bucky had told you, you had entered some sort of head space where you were unaware of what was happening around you.

The thought of that happening again scared you, but there wasn’t really anything to do about it. Your brain scans had still come back normal, and it was left as a mystery. Either way you had the Wanda that you remembered from your early days working at the Compound, and the Bucky who you adore in any state. They were on your side and you knew that you could handle whatever the future would bring.

Despite their support and kindness you still aren’t sure what to do with your time. The idea of going back to work as a data analyst was too daunting. You weren’t ready to see all of your coworkers or focus on relatively pointless data. Nothing seemed quite as important as it did before, especially work. Sitting at a computer all day when someone else could do it just as well as you, made work the last thing you wanted to spend your time on.

Bucky had called Jane a while back, and the two of you had gotten back in touch. Bucky had already explained the situation to her which was very thoughtful. You hated having to explain it all or think of it all for that matter. You and Jane would talk on the phone for hours at a time, discussing your old coworkers, recent movies, or novels she had been reading. You hadn’t done much reading recently, but it was about time you got back into it.

Jane was incredibly encouraging of you getting back to who you had been. Someone who enjoyed life, had goals, and had plans to achieve those goals. She believes that over time you can get some of those things back. Those things that made you who you are, who you were.

You missed your old self, who you used to be without all of the fear and knowledge of Hydra. You wanted that version back with no changes, no trauma, no incident at all, but you also knew it wasn’t possible anymore. You had grown up so much in the past year, learned so much, changed so much. Yet after all of this change, Bucky still loves you.

Bucky shows you that love yet again. Unfortunately, it just happens to be at five in the morning. He wakes you with urgency, but it’s not because of a threat or a danger. No, you recognize the look on his face, and you know that he has a plan. What that plan is, however, you don’t have the slightest clue. But knowing Bucky and seeing the light in his eyes, you figure it’s got to be good.

Sleepily you get out of bed and put on the clothes that he’s laid out for you. He’s got French toast for you in the kitchen, still warm. He urges you to eat quickly and you do, even though you’re exhausted. It’s delicious but you’re not even hungry, so he finishes it for you, impatient as always. He hands you your shoes, and you start to put them on, but he can’t wait another second and does it for you.

Shoes are pointless though when he sweeps you up into his arms, carrying you easily through the compound. You lay comfortably against his chest, wondering if he’ll let you fall back asleep in his arms. Once he realizes your plan to sleep, he sets you down and you have to walk the rest of the way. Where you’re going you still don’t know.

He leads you outside and it’s still dark, the grass wet from the morning dew. You walk for what feels like forever, but his hand is in yours and conversation isn’t important. Nothing is really all that important when you have him by your side. Things are going to be just fine when he’s with you. You know he’ll do anything for you. Finally after what feels like miles of walking, he stops and turns to you.

“Do you remember this spot?” he asks you, setting down a blanket you hadn’t even noticed. You look around, wondering why he has brought you here. The two of you sit on the blanket. “It’s where we had our first kiss. Do you remember what you told me?” His voice is calm and so is the air around you. You actually feel completely at peace here, and you realize that it’s for the first time since the incident. “You told me that it’d be a perfect spot for a garden.”

That does sound like something you would have said and as you continue to look at the open land in front of you, you have to agree. This would be the perfect spot for a garden. Bucky’s watching you carefully, gauging your reactions to his words. You offer a shy smile, “I do love flowers.” He nods encouragingly, “you do love flowers. Whenever I see them I think of you. I’ve probably spent thousands of dollars on flowers for you.”

You aren’t comfortable with the sound of that, and Bucky can tell. “But I’d do it all again. You’re worth so much more to me than money Y/N. I know you worry about not helping pay for living here but trust me it is our pleasure to have you here. We never want you to leave, and if you did have to go it would never be for a stupid reason like money. The only reason you would leave is if you wanted to.”

He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear as you think his words over. “Besides, if we have our own garden, maybe I won’t spend quite so much money on flowers for you, my love.” You smile at that. You love the idea of gardening with Bucky, of planting the seeds, watering, and watching them grow. You love the idea of him gathering them up for you, selecting the best ones for your bouquet.

And it’s true, Bucky has bought you a fresh bouquet of flowers every single week since you had moved in just over a year ago, sometimes even more often than that. He would explain that he couldn’t help himself, not when he knew how happy they would make you. And his flowers always did make you happy, those beautiful, bright, happy plants full of life. Maybe this is a good idea after all.

“I thought it'd be a good idea to start something new, so we’re gonna start a garden right here. With lots of yellow flowers, rows and rows of sunflowers,” he tells you grinning from ear to ear. They’re your favorites and you can truly picture it now. A field of sunflowers just for you. Bucky loves you; he’s proved himself time and time again of his devotion, but this, this gift is just what you needed.

A little reminder of who you were before you had even met him, the naïve girl offering to help a stranger find his way. The girl who had trusted him after just one date. The girl who had fallen for him faster than she would’ve thought possible. The girl who wanted him to be happy more than anyone else he knew, other than maybe Steve.

You can tell that he knows exactly what you’re thinking about, but he smiles and speaks anyway.  “When you met me, I was the one who was lost. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had no idea what I was doing with my life, what my purpose was anymore.” You lean up against him, your back to his chest, your hands intertwined.

 “You changed that for me, you guided me when I didn’t even know I needed it.” He pauses to take a deep breath and you turn to face him. He’s overcome with emotion, but it’s not sadness or stress, or maybe it partially is, but the overwhelming feeling you discern is his love for you. “And now you're the one who’s lost and I’m gonna be the one to help guide you back home.” He kisses you on the cheek, and together you watch the sun rise.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super cheesy and super short, but I just had to give reader a real happy ending. Enjoy!

A sunny June afternoon with the people you love? Nothing could be better. “Monkey?” a deep voice calls out. “Where did my little monkey run off to?” You can’t help but smile at the sight in front of you. Bucky wandering aimlessly through the sunflowers, pretending not to notice little feet and high pitched giggles.

“Bean!” He calls out next, picking on your son. “Did my Beanie go missing too?” The two year old can’t help it, not when he’s standing right in front of his daddy, poorly hidden by a single sunflower stalk. “Daddy! I here!” Bucky pulls a surprised face and lifts the toddler up and onto his shoulders. The little boy’s grin is massive, matching Bucky’s happy face.

Your five year old, the monkey, is doing a much better job of hiding than her brother, crouching down low to the ground. Bucky walks right by her a few times, ignoring the two year old’s pointing and shouting from above his head. He turns to you and gives you a ridiculous wink. You cover your laugh with the book that you’re pretending to read.

“Where’d Miss Monkey go?” Bucky hums loudly, scratching his chin for effect. The little girl jumps out and even though you can't see it from here, you know her blue eyes are sparkling just like her father’s. “Ahhh!” Bucky shrieks much to the children’s delight. “Where did you come from? Natasha must be teaching you some serious spy skills.” The little girl giggles in pleasure, nodding her head furiously to Bucky’s comments about Auntie Nat.

Bucky scoops her up in his arms and carries both of the kids over to you. He plops down on the blanket next to you and the kids scramble down to the ground just to start climbing all over him once more.  “Is it bedtime yet?” Bucky teases, checking his watch, despite knowing it’s barely four in the afternoon. “I sure am exhausted, Sunshine. Maybe we should put these babies to bed.”

The kids reject this idea with their fervent no’s and head shakes. Bucky gives you a quick kiss as you set down your book to look the trio over. Their hands are dirty, skin tanned, clothes grass stained, and you are all so, so very happy. You place your bookmark inside to mark your spot and glancing back to the front cover, your finger mindlessly traces some of your favorite words, “yours, Bucky.” You close the worn out novel and turn to the kiddos.

“Mama play!” They squeal with joy as Bucky tickles them. You take a deep breath, hand on your growing belly. It’s not long until your family of four becomes five. You reach over to tickle your daughter, and then your son. Bucky grins at you and the smile spreading across your face is unstoppable. This life, the one you have now, isn’t something you had ever thought would happen to you, and yet here you are living it.

The kids eventually tire of the tickling and settle down on to the blanket to catch their breath, staring up at the bright blue sky. “Daddy tell us a story,” your five year old begs. “What story do you want to hear Monkey?” Bucky asks her, although he already knows the answer. “The story,” Bean clarifies, and Miss Monkey agrees.

Bucky sits up and pretends to think. “Now how does it begin again?” The children are completely focused on him. Bucky looks at you, grabs your hand, and squeezes it tight. “I think I remember now,” he tells them. “Please, please tell it!” they implore. They’ve heard it a hundred times at this point, but you get it, it’s your favorite story too.

 “Well it was the first of October and your daddy was terribly lost.” Both of your children stare up at Bucky with big round eyes. “It was the eighth of October, darling,” you correct him, same as always, unable to hide your smile. “Shh doll, the first sounds better, besides I’m telling the story.” He pauses to make sure both kids have their full attention on him. “Like I was saying, it was the eighth of October and your daddy was terribly lost.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone again for reading and commenting on my work. I’m not sure if I’ll ever write a story this long again; it consumed a lot of my time and energy, but I plan to write some shorter stories somewhat soon. I’ll be pretty busy with the real world, but I have really enjoyed writing and exploring this creative side of myself. Thank you for making this a pleasant experience! I had been super worried that I’d get rude comments telling me that my writing was bad or that my take on a character was wrong, but you’ve all been so nice and supportive! Thanks again! <3


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